You can tell me as often as you like that I am...unique. You can say it with the same inflection. Tell everyone that will listen that I am just different. I know your lie, I know what it means.
I spent the whole day with these people, being attacked and having my opinions violated. I know what they mean. I stood there and I looked at what they were doing. I ran down the beach to get away from them. You just saw the smiles, the fake, fake smiles to warn you.
I snapped. Something is broken inside and I am not prepared to deal with any more. I am no longer working inside. There is something that doesn't fit any more and it has changed things.
All day, I have heard it. It was a quiet mumbling throughout the day, becoming louder and louder until it has reached the point where I am crying in bed with my laptop's heat scorching my legs. And I am hiding, no longer safe under the covers, with Damien trying to settle me. And it is not working.
It is coming back, that word. No! I don't want it. It is becoming louder and louder and I am scared. Your lips are forming that cruel word and I am sick. It is coming. It is coming. It is coming. freak. Freak. FREAK. FREAK!
29 April, 2010
The Girl Next Door Doing Yoga
You have perfect lines on your front lawn
So does the girl next door
But you were too busy planning spontaneity
To find out what she was looking for
And she lives alone with an orange tree
That drops seeds over your fence
That you want to plant into an orange tree
But just to look alike is your defence
Oh, you caught her once doing yoga
The girl who still lives next door
She saw you watching and she pulled you over
Told you what she was looking for
Made you help her wash her dog
And then you painted on her car
And it was already a rainbow
But to please her you painted stars
Now you’re back inside working nine to five
Coz you’re human with bills to pay
While she’s busy giving piano lessons
Making money her own way
Now in the mornings you’re doing yoga
With the girl who still lives next door
Across the road kids watch until she pulls them over
And they join in until they can’t do any more
Then you get her a coffee and go inside
To watch her dancing with her class
From your kitchen windows
On the wrong side of the glass
Next weekend you’re going hiking
Because she asked to go
And you know that you really don’t want to
But you’ll go when she says so
You’re learning guitar and growing your hair
You got yourself a pet goat
His name you can’t pronounce
But she takes him out in her boat
And you go swimming before you do yoga
But there’s no girl next door
When you saw the kids you pulled them over
They gave you a letter and you cried till you were sore
She’s alone somewhere on a mountain
Telling a guy she found what she was looking for
While doing yoga with the guy next door.
So does the girl next door
But you were too busy planning spontaneity
To find out what she was looking for
And she lives alone with an orange tree
That drops seeds over your fence
That you want to plant into an orange tree
But just to look alike is your defence
Oh, you caught her once doing yoga
The girl who still lives next door
She saw you watching and she pulled you over
Told you what she was looking for
Made you help her wash her dog
And then you painted on her car
And it was already a rainbow
But to please her you painted stars
Now you’re back inside working nine to five
Coz you’re human with bills to pay
While she’s busy giving piano lessons
Making money her own way
Now in the mornings you’re doing yoga
With the girl who still lives next door
Across the road kids watch until she pulls them over
And they join in until they can’t do any more
Then you get her a coffee and go inside
To watch her dancing with her class
From your kitchen windows
On the wrong side of the glass
Next weekend you’re going hiking
Because she asked to go
And you know that you really don’t want to
But you’ll go when she says so
You’re learning guitar and growing your hair
You got yourself a pet goat
His name you can’t pronounce
But she takes him out in her boat
And you go swimming before you do yoga
But there’s no girl next door
When you saw the kids you pulled them over
They gave you a letter and you cried till you were sore
She’s alone somewhere on a mountain
Telling a guy she found what she was looking for
While doing yoga with the guy next door.
28 April, 2010
Response To Elegies
Beloved! Be Loved.
Beloved! Be Loved. Days are done;
You have faced all weathers, your experiences won
Home is near, angels hear, your heart is exulting
But beating stillness without feeling, my face grim and baring
Still Heart! heart. Heart!
No more beating blood red
For in the casket lays you
Face of cold and dead.
Beloved! Be Loved. You are praised so all is well
But return to us - You so are loved - Can you not tell?
We bring our flowers. There are wreaths the black hole crowding
we sway on our feet, mascara a mess and away our faces turning.
Beloved! So Loved!
My warm hand to your face
It forces tears to eyes
To know you feel no embrace.
Beloved has no answer, pale of face, cold. So still.
Does not feel my childish fingers pulsating while I will
beloved is home now, her resting face sound
While I fear and smile away. return her to her ground
Smile friends to remember
As I mourn with every tread
For soon I must leave this place
Where Beloved lies cold. Lies dead.
This was written as part of my Literature- Creating workbook. after many weeks of diligent poetry study and analysis, it was time to begin my responses. Already written were "The Babe", "Response to Poem", "Ode to My Mid-Morning Snack", Response to: Sonnet 130 and Tarantella. There was also an unnamed poem by 'Lemony Snickett' himself.
"Beloved! Be Loved." was written in response to the topic of elegies and based on the form of "O Captain! My Captain!" by Walt Whitman. Whitman writes his elegy upon reflection of the loss of Abraham Lincoln. My elegy is for the death of my mother.
Any analysis, critiques, comments or odd observations are welcome.
For now, I'll just wait in the orange tree and do yoga.
Beloved! Be Loved. Days are done;
You have faced all weathers, your experiences won
Home is near, angels hear, your heart is exulting
But beating stillness without feeling, my face grim and baring
Still Heart! heart. Heart!
No more beating blood red
For in the casket lays you
Face of cold and dead.
Beloved! Be Loved. You are praised so all is well
But return to us - You so are loved - Can you not tell?
We bring our flowers. There are wreaths the black hole crowding
we sway on our feet, mascara a mess and away our faces turning.
Beloved! So Loved!
My warm hand to your face
It forces tears to eyes
To know you feel no embrace.
Beloved has no answer, pale of face, cold. So still.
Does not feel my childish fingers pulsating while I will
beloved is home now, her resting face sound
While I fear and smile away. return her to her ground
Smile friends to remember
As I mourn with every tread
For soon I must leave this place
Where Beloved lies cold. Lies dead.
This was written as part of my Literature- Creating workbook. after many weeks of diligent poetry study and analysis, it was time to begin my responses. Already written were "The Babe", "Response to Poem", "Ode to My Mid-Morning Snack", Response to: Sonnet 130 and Tarantella. There was also an unnamed poem by 'Lemony Snickett' himself.
"Beloved! Be Loved." was written in response to the topic of elegies and based on the form of "O Captain! My Captain!" by Walt Whitman. Whitman writes his elegy upon reflection of the loss of Abraham Lincoln. My elegy is for the death of my mother.
Any analysis, critiques, comments or odd observations are welcome.
For now, I'll just wait in the orange tree and do yoga.
27 April, 2010
Just Cranky Is All
In the last three days, I have not had enough sleep. I don't need to be forgiven for it, I just need you to be aware.
I do not like to judge people. I think it's rude and it makes people look like idiots. The world has plenty of those without adding me to its list.
So when I tell you that you reek of cigarette smoke and I feel quite ill, it's because I feel sick. I don't care that you're underage and have smoked on school property. I care that you are making me think I might be about to vomit in front of my entire year level. I'm not judging you. I'm telling you that you may do as you please but I won't be around for it or afterward. I like feeling well.
It's not that I don't like you. I'm just cranky is all.
I do not like to judge people. I think it's rude and it makes people look like idiots. The world has plenty of those without adding me to its list.
So when I tell you that you reek of cigarette smoke and I feel quite ill, it's because I feel sick. I don't care that you're underage and have smoked on school property. I care that you are making me think I might be about to vomit in front of my entire year level. I'm not judging you. I'm telling you that you may do as you please but I won't be around for it or afterward. I like feeling well.
It's not that I don't like you. I'm just cranky is all.
26 April, 2010
Trust - How Far We've Come
Paige. I am so very disappointed. For every talk I have ever given to you that you've been too embarrassed to have with your mum, every warning I've given you when I see you leave on Saturday nights, every single MumMoment I have ever had with you and will ever have again there will now be a deep green stain across the highlight. It seems to me that you never listened. I am deeply moved and not in a good way.
Yeah, I'm older than you. That's why you are my Year Nines and you, Paige, are special because you are my baby girl now I've lost Shonna. You don't know her. Don't worry about it. Being older than you also means I have a special responsibility. I run the 'Don't have sex. You'll get klamidia. And die.' rants.
You know that! You've had to sit through endless amounts of them. It would be hypocritical of me to rip into Sam if I was the same kind of person as her. I wouldn't even have been able to say half the things I've said to C or M (even N but that is NEVER going to go anywhere. I will break ALL of his fingers if he touches her, then his toes. Pull out all his eyelashes with a pair of tweezers. The usual) if I'd passed my Vees. No way. I wouldn't even be able to threaten G with mass amounts of duct tape and oak trees.
I'm proud of being a virgin. I know so few girls my age who still are. It's not right and it's even worse that you don't trust my judgment, let alone my sincerity in trying to help you make good life choices.
This is my body and I only trust myself with it. I wouldn't risk that on something I would not be proud of in the morning. So I'll hold on to my virginity for a while longer thank you and I'll trust you not to make the mistake of not trusting me again. How could you not in the first place?
Yeah, I'm older than you. That's why you are my Year Nines and you, Paige, are special because you are my baby girl now I've lost Shonna. You don't know her. Don't worry about it. Being older than you also means I have a special responsibility. I run the 'Don't have sex. You'll get klamidia. And die.' rants.
You know that! You've had to sit through endless amounts of them. It would be hypocritical of me to rip into Sam if I was the same kind of person as her. I wouldn't even have been able to say half the things I've said to C or M (even N but that is NEVER going to go anywhere. I will break ALL of his fingers if he touches her, then his toes. Pull out all his eyelashes with a pair of tweezers. The usual) if I'd passed my Vees. No way. I wouldn't even be able to threaten G with mass amounts of duct tape and oak trees.
I'm proud of being a virgin. I know so few girls my age who still are. It's not right and it's even worse that you don't trust my judgment, let alone my sincerity in trying to help you make good life choices.
This is my body and I only trust myself with it. I wouldn't risk that on something I would not be proud of in the morning. So I'll hold on to my virginity for a while longer thank you and I'll trust you not to make the mistake of not trusting me again. How could you not in the first place?
Courage
I suppose I wish this were real because then I would be able to tell myself that it's all over now and I will never have to go back. Unfortunately it was a daydream, a moment of woken terror and I will be seeing it again and again until I can no longer bear the weight of it.
What is courage? We have been discussing it in literature, referencing the actions of Bertrande Guerre (formerly de Rols). I was fortunate enough to also have referenced Robert Frost for courage yet it is his poetry that brought me to me knees (figuratively speaking) this very morning.
As a class, our definition was bravery. So what was our definition of bravery? Courage. So we went on in our circles, tightening and winding until we were dazed, lost and thoroughly confused.
The Oxford Australian Integrated School File Dictionary and Thesaurus (compiled by Anne Knight) tells me that bravery is "having or showing courage". This gets me no where. The compilation of Anne Knight goes on to tell me that courage is "the ability to face danger or difficulty or pain even when you are afraid; bravery." That shows where we lost ourselves that little (okay, significantly large) bit. Even the dictionary that is supposed to educate us, although we may not use it in any SAC, test or particularly difficult class, has turned on itself.
Courage is bravery, bravery is courage. What is each if it is not the other?
I took the liberty of spending an hour or so with Mr Frost to discover the answer. I like to have answers. I like answers much more than questions. I would love to spend all my days being asked any question at all as long as I was able to provide the answer to it. Even if it were a sad answer, it would still be an answer and there is its beauty: My ability.
I was simply sitting and waiting in my own world of peace, quiet and insane injustice when I came upon him. It struck me as odd. I was the one to stumble upon Robert yet I never moved before then. It was just how it went in my mind. We held a pleasant conversation for some time, amicably arguing about words and the like. I often hold such arguments within myself and was quite pleased to have a companion on this day.
It was strange that we turned to the topic of courage. We were aware of ANZAC Day having just passed but I'm quite sure we were talking about something simple like the weather or how my hair looked in the light.
As was to be expected, we were traversing through a wood I had no recollection of but for my imagination. I recollect pausing at some point without realising until I noticed the two paths we were standing before and had been standing before for a good twenty minutes. I'm not which of us it was but one of our exclusive group of two asked with path it was to be.
I am embarrassed to to admit I must have run from the paths even knowing they were not real. Every step back was another year until I was aching and withered from my efforts to return to Robert. He was gentlemanly enough to offer his arm. How wonderful of him not to have turned from the sight of a choice to be made. How strong and tall and proud he looked!
I chose the latter path. I will not tell you were we went as that is something to be kept between Robert and I. I am glad I showed courage and bravery. I am glad I caught myself up in the confusing behaviours of the forest and went to where I am supposed to be. I am pained by what it cost.
Now I am fortunate enough to know that courage is not bravery, nor is it the ability to face danger, difficulty, pain when one is afraid. It is the choice we make; At the end of the day we can either do what is easy or what is right.
I still think I did what was right.
Amy.
What is courage? We have been discussing it in literature, referencing the actions of Bertrande Guerre (formerly de Rols). I was fortunate enough to also have referenced Robert Frost for courage yet it is his poetry that brought me to me knees (figuratively speaking) this very morning.
As a class, our definition was bravery. So what was our definition of bravery? Courage. So we went on in our circles, tightening and winding until we were dazed, lost and thoroughly confused.
The Oxford Australian Integrated School File Dictionary and Thesaurus (compiled by Anne Knight) tells me that bravery is "having or showing courage". This gets me no where. The compilation of Anne Knight goes on to tell me that courage is "the ability to face danger or difficulty or pain even when you are afraid; bravery." That shows where we lost ourselves that little (okay, significantly large) bit. Even the dictionary that is supposed to educate us, although we may not use it in any SAC, test or particularly difficult class, has turned on itself.
Courage is bravery, bravery is courage. What is each if it is not the other?
I took the liberty of spending an hour or so with Mr Frost to discover the answer. I like to have answers. I like answers much more than questions. I would love to spend all my days being asked any question at all as long as I was able to provide the answer to it. Even if it were a sad answer, it would still be an answer and there is its beauty: My ability.
I was simply sitting and waiting in my own world of peace, quiet and insane injustice when I came upon him. It struck me as odd. I was the one to stumble upon Robert yet I never moved before then. It was just how it went in my mind. We held a pleasant conversation for some time, amicably arguing about words and the like. I often hold such arguments within myself and was quite pleased to have a companion on this day.
It was strange that we turned to the topic of courage. We were aware of ANZAC Day having just passed but I'm quite sure we were talking about something simple like the weather or how my hair looked in the light.
As was to be expected, we were traversing through a wood I had no recollection of but for my imagination. I recollect pausing at some point without realising until I noticed the two paths we were standing before and had been standing before for a good twenty minutes. I'm not which of us it was but one of our exclusive group of two asked with path it was to be.
I am embarrassed to to admit I must have run from the paths even knowing they were not real. Every step back was another year until I was aching and withered from my efforts to return to Robert. He was gentlemanly enough to offer his arm. How wonderful of him not to have turned from the sight of a choice to be made. How strong and tall and proud he looked!
I chose the latter path. I will not tell you were we went as that is something to be kept between Robert and I. I am glad I showed courage and bravery. I am glad I caught myself up in the confusing behaviours of the forest and went to where I am supposed to be. I am pained by what it cost.
Now I am fortunate enough to know that courage is not bravery, nor is it the ability to face danger, difficulty, pain when one is afraid. It is the choice we make; At the end of the day we can either do what is easy or what is right.
I still think I did what was right.
Amy.
Gay Hair...
What would your last haircut say about you now??
I have this idea that is goes like this: Darling, I wish I was still a part of your lovely do (yes, my hair is gay, get over it) but I suppose merely being able to see what has been done with your mane is enough. I am simply in love with the style. I doubt you are aware that you look a little like Shannon Doherty before she died on Charmed. Well, you do and honey, it's workin for ya!
I have this idea that is goes like this: Darling, I wish I was still a part of your lovely do (yes, my hair is gay, get over it) but I suppose merely being able to see what has been done with your mane is enough. I am simply in love with the style. I doubt you are aware that you look a little like Shannon Doherty before she died on Charmed. Well, you do and honey, it's workin for ya!
21 April, 2010
Back In The Real World.
It isn't nice here. It is warm and cosy. I am safe indoors, wrapped away from the wind and the rain. There is warmth on tap, ready to fire up or die down lest I burn up or freeze.
I don't like it in here. I want my wind, my mountains, my sprained knee. I want to get back on that surfboard and tell the surf to get fucked, I'm still standing. I want to lie down on the hard ground to sleep and tell myself "Fay" will not come and get me. Thanks McCrorey, worst idea ever. I want to have girls to laugh at and pity because the wombats at Wilson's Prom are feral and the girls themselves are stupid.
I find it odd that here I am, at school, in front of a laptop reminding myself I am back in the real world when Nature is more real. Dicko's scraped knee is real. The gravel was real, the blood was real, the pain was REAL. The hike was real. The shortness of breath was real, the forcing ourselves upwards was real, the view was REAL.
The view of trees that looked like they would just throw you right back up if you feel. The trees that were just begging you to jump. The trees you would walk closer and closer to, ignoring the cliff face until Kate was ready to scream and had such a tight hold on your arm that your fingers were blue. It was real.
How is it that I am here in the "Real World" when everything that made me alive and human is hours away and imprisoned in inadequate gates, telling me I will not be there tomorrow?
McCrorey, thank you for our Sunday Night Serenade. Hearing Damien Rice was ecstasy enough without finding out you knew enough of Nine Crimes to make playing it worth the effort.
Sweet Dreams (or Sour Nights in my case)
Enjoy the "Real World"
I don't like it in here. I want my wind, my mountains, my sprained knee. I want to get back on that surfboard and tell the surf to get fucked, I'm still standing. I want to lie down on the hard ground to sleep and tell myself "Fay" will not come and get me. Thanks McCrorey, worst idea ever. I want to have girls to laugh at and pity because the wombats at Wilson's Prom are feral and the girls themselves are stupid.
I find it odd that here I am, at school, in front of a laptop reminding myself I am back in the real world when Nature is more real. Dicko's scraped knee is real. The gravel was real, the blood was real, the pain was REAL. The hike was real. The shortness of breath was real, the forcing ourselves upwards was real, the view was REAL.
The view of trees that looked like they would just throw you right back up if you feel. The trees that were just begging you to jump. The trees you would walk closer and closer to, ignoring the cliff face until Kate was ready to scream and had such a tight hold on your arm that your fingers were blue. It was real.
How is it that I am here in the "Real World" when everything that made me alive and human is hours away and imprisoned in inadequate gates, telling me I will not be there tomorrow?
McCrorey, thank you for our Sunday Night Serenade. Hearing Damien Rice was ecstasy enough without finding out you knew enough of Nine Crimes to make playing it worth the effort.
Sweet Dreams (or Sour Nights in my case)
Enjoy the "Real World"
12 April, 2010
Marnie
I have just been sitting on givesmehope.com for the past hour.
I have just found one my friend has posted for me to remember.
She GMH
Marnie, Victoria (AUS)
My friend tried to kill herself twice last year.
"The second time, her school found out and she ran.
Two teachers went after her and locked her in a room until the ambulance showed up. She fought and screamed the whole time."
Teachers who trade black eyes for students lives GMH
I have just found one my friend has posted for me to remember.
She GMH
Marnie, Victoria (AUS)
My friend tried to kill herself twice last year.
"The second time, her school found out and she ran.
Two teachers went after her and locked her in a room until the ambulance showed up. She fought and screamed the whole time."
Teachers who trade black eyes for students lives GMH
I Am Proud. Of You. Of Me.
For the last three days, my words have avoided me. They were just gone and I could not get them back. Today, here are my words, sitting calmly beside me and wondering what punishment they are to recieve.
They shall not be punished. My words came back to me and I was able to look after my young ones again. My words were with me, my words came to the fore and let the world know what I was feeling and thinking.
I made a girl cry today. Her name is Samantha Peters. I am not sorry but am instead proud of the words I used against her today. I do not take kindly to the corruption of my young ones. Thirteen year old girls should not be having sex and they should not be under the influence of a sixteen year old who suggests it. If Samantha is unable to keep her legs closed, I would hope that she could at least keep her mouth closed.
I am disgusted by the things she tells my young ones and I am on the verge of being violently ill from the thought of what she suggests. I find her to be wrong in giving her blessing and only her blessing. That is poor advice. A thirteen year old can still become pregnant or get chlamydia. And die! A poor time to quote Mean Girls but it gets my point across.
I am a proud supporter of the Australian Childhood Foundation and the NNCF. No child should ever feel like they have to have sex and no child should be abused. I consider the habits Samantha is teaching my young ones to be abuse. She is abusing their trust in her wisdom and their innocence. I will not allow her to destroy my young ones.
They are my minions and I have promised to love them no matter what. I may not be proud of some choices they have made but they do not disappoint me. They are the only children I can look after.
My many nines have given me reason to be proud. They understand that you do not automatically have to lose your virginity once you are fourteen. Even the boys. I still have mine and I'm keeping it that way for as long as I like.
Paige. Riley. Bridget. Georgia. Steven. Natalie. Jacinta. Courtney. James. Kelly. DJ. Brad. Cody. Jodie. Even Joel though I really do hate him right now. I am proud.
Samantha is aware of the consequences of her actions. I do not easily anger but I am capable of being very destructive and I will do everything it takes and more to keep my young ones young.
I do not care how much it will hurt her. She is a pitiful excuse for a human being who cannot keep her legs closed. She has gone too far.
They shall not be punished. My words came back to me and I was able to look after my young ones again. My words were with me, my words came to the fore and let the world know what I was feeling and thinking.
I made a girl cry today. Her name is Samantha Peters. I am not sorry but am instead proud of the words I used against her today. I do not take kindly to the corruption of my young ones. Thirteen year old girls should not be having sex and they should not be under the influence of a sixteen year old who suggests it. If Samantha is unable to keep her legs closed, I would hope that she could at least keep her mouth closed.
I am disgusted by the things she tells my young ones and I am on the verge of being violently ill from the thought of what she suggests. I find her to be wrong in giving her blessing and only her blessing. That is poor advice. A thirteen year old can still become pregnant or get chlamydia. And die! A poor time to quote Mean Girls but it gets my point across.
I am a proud supporter of the Australian Childhood Foundation and the NNCF. No child should ever feel like they have to have sex and no child should be abused. I consider the habits Samantha is teaching my young ones to be abuse. She is abusing their trust in her wisdom and their innocence. I will not allow her to destroy my young ones.
They are my minions and I have promised to love them no matter what. I may not be proud of some choices they have made but they do not disappoint me. They are the only children I can look after.
My many nines have given me reason to be proud. They understand that you do not automatically have to lose your virginity once you are fourteen. Even the boys. I still have mine and I'm keeping it that way for as long as I like.
Paige. Riley. Bridget. Georgia. Steven. Natalie. Jacinta. Courtney. James. Kelly. DJ. Brad. Cody. Jodie. Even Joel though I really do hate him right now. I am proud.
Samantha is aware of the consequences of her actions. I do not easily anger but I am capable of being very destructive and I will do everything it takes and more to keep my young ones young.
I do not care how much it will hurt her. She is a pitiful excuse for a human being who cannot keep her legs closed. She has gone too far.
11 April, 2010
Understanding Arnaud du Tilh
Arnaud d Tilh, are you aware that you destroyed the mental health of a women you illegally possessed? Do you know that your actions tore apart a previously happy and well-to-do family?
Do you understand that you are a liar and a thief? There is no honour code low enough for you. So before you die, let's get on with the interview.
Miller: Why did you stay so long in the home of the Guerre's when you could so easily and quickly have made some gain for little effort?
du Tilh: Dost thee not believe that thou art capable of miraculous changes of self?
M: Cut the bullshit and let's speak straight.
T: Prithee esplain thyself.
M: Stop fucking with me. Drop the French accent and ditch the Shakespeare.
T: Ok, fine.
M: Now we're back on topic, explain. Why didn't you leave?
T: I enjoyed the opportunity to prove myself and be able to change. I liked being in charge and having others depend on me.
M: You fail. I distinctly remember telling you to cut the crap. Don't lie to me.
T: Hey, the being in charge bit was true!
M: And the rest?
T: Not so true... Don't judge me poorly for this-
M: I already judge you poorly. You're an idiot.
T: Can I continue? It was because of Bertrande. She's a beautiful woman and a fantastic wife.
M: Yeah, just not yours.
T: Well no, not really.
M: No. Not at all. What made you think you could take over all Martin Guerre's possesions, including his wife?
T: He wasn't using them.
M: Are you SERIOUS! That's your reason? You've got to be joking!
T: Look, when I met Martin in the wars, he'd been gone for years. He'd left his wife and son behind, his birthrights were being wasted. I fought in those crusades too and I barely got a thing out of them.
M: Except maybe a fair wage.
T: Don't be ridiculous. Those wages were piss poor and hardly worth the men who paid them out.
M: Hey, work harder, earn more. You're just a lazy prick who doesn't want to earn what he keeps.
T: You insolent woman! No one is ever to speak to me like that, let alone someone of inferior race!
M: My interview mate, my rules. So you can either shut up and sit down or I can send you off to be decapitated, Red Queen style.
T: Who the hell is that?
M: It's a thing from Alice in Wonderland...Nevermind. Look, I'm kind of bored with you so I'm going to wrap up here. See you around.
T: No you won't, I'm going to die.
M: Oh, yeah. My bad...Well, have fun with that!
T: Wait! Aren't you going to speak on my behalf?
M: No. You get what you deserve. Goodbye Mr. du Tilh and thank you for the *ah hem* pleasant talk.
T: Please? Won't you at least say something?
M: I could but it would harm your chances more.
T: Please! I don't want to be killed.
M: I'm sorry but I don't like you enough. I barely do at all. Play nice in the next life mmkay?
*door shuts*
Do you understand that you are a liar and a thief? There is no honour code low enough for you. So before you die, let's get on with the interview.
Miller: Why did you stay so long in the home of the Guerre's when you could so easily and quickly have made some gain for little effort?
du Tilh: Dost thee not believe that thou art capable of miraculous changes of self?
M: Cut the bullshit and let's speak straight.
T: Prithee esplain thyself.
M: Stop fucking with me. Drop the French accent and ditch the Shakespeare.
T: Ok, fine.
M: Now we're back on topic, explain. Why didn't you leave?
T: I enjoyed the opportunity to prove myself and be able to change. I liked being in charge and having others depend on me.
M: You fail. I distinctly remember telling you to cut the crap. Don't lie to me.
T: Hey, the being in charge bit was true!
M: And the rest?
T: Not so true... Don't judge me poorly for this-
M: I already judge you poorly. You're an idiot.
T: Can I continue? It was because of Bertrande. She's a beautiful woman and a fantastic wife.
M: Yeah, just not yours.
T: Well no, not really.
M: No. Not at all. What made you think you could take over all Martin Guerre's possesions, including his wife?
T: He wasn't using them.
M: Are you SERIOUS! That's your reason? You've got to be joking!
T: Look, when I met Martin in the wars, he'd been gone for years. He'd left his wife and son behind, his birthrights were being wasted. I fought in those crusades too and I barely got a thing out of them.
M: Except maybe a fair wage.
T: Don't be ridiculous. Those wages were piss poor and hardly worth the men who paid them out.
M: Hey, work harder, earn more. You're just a lazy prick who doesn't want to earn what he keeps.
T: You insolent woman! No one is ever to speak to me like that, let alone someone of inferior race!
M: My interview mate, my rules. So you can either shut up and sit down or I can send you off to be decapitated, Red Queen style.
T: Who the hell is that?
M: It's a thing from Alice in Wonderland...Nevermind. Look, I'm kind of bored with you so I'm going to wrap up here. See you around.
T: No you won't, I'm going to die.
M: Oh, yeah. My bad...Well, have fun with that!
T: Wait! Aren't you going to speak on my behalf?
M: No. You get what you deserve. Goodbye Mr. du Tilh and thank you for the *ah hem* pleasant talk.
T: Please? Won't you at least say something?
M: I could but it would harm your chances more.
T: Please! I don't want to be killed.
M: I'm sorry but I don't like you enough. I barely do at all. Play nice in the next life mmkay?
*door shuts*
10 April, 2010
For You, I Suppose
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.
Terreur Nocturne
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.
Terreur Nocturne
09 April, 2010
All My Friends Are Getting Married...
It seems truly odd to me that I am growing up and so are the people around me. I wake up some mornings, go have a shower and while I'm being deliciously pounded by steaming water (and wasting it all...bad Amy!) I have these odd thoughts. I'll have a discussion with myselves and it usually goes a little like this:
Amy: Alright, one of you guys can pretend to be DJ. She isn't here and I want to chat!
Voice/DJ: ME! Pick me!
A: All right, I pick you. Isn't it strange that I woke up this morning and what I was thinking was I won't remember you in three years?
V/DJ: Hmmm...Almost as strange as you holding a conversation with an invisible friend while you're naked o.O
(Honest to God, this is how it goes...I'm so lame)
A: Well yeah, that too but what I mean is; isn't it odd that my first thought upon waking is that I'm going to graduate and forget all of my highschool friends by the time I'm out of uni?
V/DJ: Except Ben of course. You promised to have his gay, ranga children. But don't say that, don't even think it. We really musn't mean that much to you if you think that about us!
A: Yeah, except Ben. Why do you always get so angry and defensive when I say that? I love you, of course I do. You mean the world to me but I know that eventually you won't. We'll grow up and move on. I'm going to uni, you're going to marry P!nk and Ben's going to join the R.A.A.F until I bitchslap him and make him come home. I'm sick of my friends getting shot.
V/DJ: Don't change the subject. Stop avoiding me, it's really because you just don't care about us.
A: I don't care? Really, I don't CARE? Who took you-know-who in for a pregnancy test? Who is in charge of tickling the fat-believers? Who posts on Ben's page reminding him he is loved? Which one of us is MUM? Who does PaigeBaby belong to? Who gets Riley to talk? It couldn't possibly be that chick who DOESN'T CARE.
V/DJ: Grrr, you're so annoying. That isn't even what I meant. Stop being such a brat.
A: Then say what you mean and mean what you say.
V/DJ: You don't care about making sure you remember us or even trying to stay in touch. It's like you don't want to be our friends.
A: That's right DJ/Voice, because I am a grown up.
(This is usually the point where I tell the DJ/Voice to fuck off and get out of the shower, I'm naked. Then someone knocks on the door and tells me to shut up o.O)
My point with DJ is that it is inevitibly going to happen. People move on and grow old. We don't stick together and that isn't a bad thing. It's a part of becoming an adult. There is always a time and place for highschool friends but unless I've made the plans, I won't know you in three years. I'll be busy with my job, a boyfriend, classes, the apartment, this dog I'll probably get, changing tyres on my car (I just changed my first one about a week ago, I was SO PROUD!), shopping, cooking, baby-sitting and of course, having arguments with newly aquired friends in the shower.
I don't really want to lose my high school friends because they do mean something to me. They mean a whole fucking lot and they always have. I am merely resigned to the fact and aware that it IS going to happen. Accept. Get over. Live through it. Live in spite of it.
Terreur xxx
Amy: Alright, one of you guys can pretend to be DJ. She isn't here and I want to chat!
Voice/DJ: ME! Pick me!
A: All right, I pick you. Isn't it strange that I woke up this morning and what I was thinking was I won't remember you in three years?
V/DJ: Hmmm...Almost as strange as you holding a conversation with an invisible friend while you're naked o.O
(Honest to God, this is how it goes...I'm so lame)
A: Well yeah, that too but what I mean is; isn't it odd that my first thought upon waking is that I'm going to graduate and forget all of my highschool friends by the time I'm out of uni?
V/DJ: Except Ben of course. You promised to have his gay, ranga children. But don't say that, don't even think it. We really musn't mean that much to you if you think that about us!
A: Yeah, except Ben. Why do you always get so angry and defensive when I say that? I love you, of course I do. You mean the world to me but I know that eventually you won't. We'll grow up and move on. I'm going to uni, you're going to marry P!nk and Ben's going to join the R.A.A.F until I bitchslap him and make him come home. I'm sick of my friends getting shot.
V/DJ: Don't change the subject. Stop avoiding me, it's really because you just don't care about us.
A: I don't care? Really, I don't CARE? Who took you-know-who in for a pregnancy test? Who is in charge of tickling the fat-believers? Who posts on Ben's page reminding him he is loved? Which one of us is MUM? Who does PaigeBaby belong to? Who gets Riley to talk? It couldn't possibly be that chick who DOESN'T CARE.
V/DJ: Grrr, you're so annoying. That isn't even what I meant. Stop being such a brat.
A: Then say what you mean and mean what you say.
V/DJ: You don't care about making sure you remember us or even trying to stay in touch. It's like you don't want to be our friends.
A: That's right DJ/Voice, because I am a grown up.
(This is usually the point where I tell the DJ/Voice to fuck off and get out of the shower, I'm naked. Then someone knocks on the door and tells me to shut up o.O)
My point with DJ is that it is inevitibly going to happen. People move on and grow old. We don't stick together and that isn't a bad thing. It's a part of becoming an adult. There is always a time and place for highschool friends but unless I've made the plans, I won't know you in three years. I'll be busy with my job, a boyfriend, classes, the apartment, this dog I'll probably get, changing tyres on my car (I just changed my first one about a week ago, I was SO PROUD!), shopping, cooking, baby-sitting and of course, having arguments with newly aquired friends in the shower.
I don't really want to lose my high school friends because they do mean something to me. They mean a whole fucking lot and they always have. I am merely resigned to the fact and aware that it IS going to happen. Accept. Get over. Live through it. Live in spite of it.
Terreur xxx
08 April, 2010
So Screwed
Urgh, I have uni tomorrow and I have to get up at seven. It is now 12 minutes to eleven and I'm not asleep yet. I may have to pull an all-nighter and not go to sleep. I really don't want to do that but I may have to because I dam sure won't wake up until nine. I normally wake up at nine on the hols. I also have been going to bed at two am-ish again but that isn't normal.
I used to go to bed at about three am and then get up at six or six-thirty. That pretty much killed me so I got myself back on track and started sleeping regular hours. Those being eleven to seven. Then I started chatting with an old friend until all ridiculous hours of the morning and my sleeping habits were forced to change again.
Staying up for hours on end isn't so hard any more but I know it isn't doing any good for me. It's not that I always feel tired or unwell, I just look like it. I'm a bit pale from being inside so often these hols, the homework is drowning me a little. That's another strange thing coz usually I'm on top of everything.
I actually believe I am able to blame this one on my medication. I paid for the damn box of little green pills and then flushed them all when I was only halfway through. It's made me feel heaps happier and I'm slightly less odd but I am having a memory issue. Pretty much the only item on the cons list for flushing meds instead of taking them besides spastic sleep habits.
I'm weird when I'm alseep. I have to have Roxy in here with me now and she has to be under the blanket next to my belly. I also find it too hot to wear pretty much anything to bed now but I still have to have that one bit of blanket over me or I can't sleep.
My actual rant for today was supposed to be about the class I'm taking. We (The Kwongers) have a 'success' workshop in the morning, then our elective master class, lunch and a careers chat lined up for tomorrow. My issue is that I chose Health Sciences and the health science we will look at is that of the environment. I'm an eco warrior and I love the environment, so what is the issue? The organisers are getting Dave Trevoski in for the talk. What's so bad about him? He is not Dave from the first lecture. Dave was wicked. Dave was cool. He still is wicked and he still is cool.
I'm not sure what masterclass Corkie is in but I'm pretty sure it will be Legal. She's doing Legal Studies 3/4 this year, she has no idea about engineering and being an eco nerd is my thing. There's my logic. I hope she chose Health Sciences anyways. It's fun to have her around. She wasn't in Yellow at the last Kwonger event so she missed out on Aaron, group ghosting and walking on forbidden grass. Ooh, and the best place to have coffee on campus! They had this chai tea which was the BEST EVER in my entire life...so far.
But yeah...I have to get up nice and early for the classes so I can meet up with Corkie and her fam (mum and My PaigeBaby are chilling out in the city while we play nerd). I don't see myself getting up early. I think I'm going to have to break out the coffee (awful stuff that instant coffee is) and keep going and going like the Everlast Bunny for the next seven hours.
Shall try to sleep on train :)
Terreur xxx
I used to go to bed at about three am and then get up at six or six-thirty. That pretty much killed me so I got myself back on track and started sleeping regular hours. Those being eleven to seven. Then I started chatting with an old friend until all ridiculous hours of the morning and my sleeping habits were forced to change again.
Staying up for hours on end isn't so hard any more but I know it isn't doing any good for me. It's not that I always feel tired or unwell, I just look like it. I'm a bit pale from being inside so often these hols, the homework is drowning me a little. That's another strange thing coz usually I'm on top of everything.
I actually believe I am able to blame this one on my medication. I paid for the damn box of little green pills and then flushed them all when I was only halfway through. It's made me feel heaps happier and I'm slightly less odd but I am having a memory issue. Pretty much the only item on the cons list for flushing meds instead of taking them besides spastic sleep habits.
I'm weird when I'm alseep. I have to have Roxy in here with me now and she has to be under the blanket next to my belly. I also find it too hot to wear pretty much anything to bed now but I still have to have that one bit of blanket over me or I can't sleep.
My actual rant for today was supposed to be about the class I'm taking. We (The Kwongers) have a 'success' workshop in the morning, then our elective master class, lunch and a careers chat lined up for tomorrow. My issue is that I chose Health Sciences and the health science we will look at is that of the environment. I'm an eco warrior and I love the environment, so what is the issue? The organisers are getting Dave Trevoski in for the talk. What's so bad about him? He is not Dave from the first lecture. Dave was wicked. Dave was cool. He still is wicked and he still is cool.
I'm not sure what masterclass Corkie is in but I'm pretty sure it will be Legal. She's doing Legal Studies 3/4 this year, she has no idea about engineering and being an eco nerd is my thing. There's my logic. I hope she chose Health Sciences anyways. It's fun to have her around. She wasn't in Yellow at the last Kwonger event so she missed out on Aaron, group ghosting and walking on forbidden grass. Ooh, and the best place to have coffee on campus! They had this chai tea which was the BEST EVER in my entire life...so far.
But yeah...I have to get up nice and early for the classes so I can meet up with Corkie and her fam (mum and My PaigeBaby are chilling out in the city while we play nerd). I don't see myself getting up early. I think I'm going to have to break out the coffee (awful stuff that instant coffee is) and keep going and going like the Everlast Bunny for the next seven hours.
Shall try to sleep on train :)
Terreur xxx
07 April, 2010
Today's Blog Topic : Desire
de·sire [dih-zahyuhr] verb,-sired, -sir·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.to wish or long for; crave; want.
2.to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request: The mayor desires your presence at the next meeting.
–noun
3.a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment: a desire for fame.
4.an expressed wish; request.
5.something desired.
6.sexual appetite or a sexual urge.
To start me of I have found a few quotes to explain to the world and then pretty much bitch about to my heart's content. Nothing new, right?
“The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”
Madame de Stael
What do we take this to mean? Amy's belief: most men think with their penis and most women want them too. Why does it mean this? Well, for the men it's just the disposition of their brain and restricted blood flow. For women it is something more sinister and degrading. Even if the idea of a guy checking you out is pretty wicked. Women are teases and we know it. We are conceited and we want to feel as though the whole world is in love with us. Sometimes it's a self-esteem issue. Other times we just really like the attention. It's disgusting. Women complain about how perverse guys are and then lean over a little further so they can get a better view. If you ask them if they would sleep with a celebrity they'd probably say no, they aren't that kind of girl. If you tell them they'd get a million dollars, they'd jump at the chance.
I digress...I am not supposed to be having an I Hate Women rant, just a rant on Desire.
“We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us.”
rashaski Francois Rabelais (another French Fry)
What does it mean? We want what we can't have, especially if we get told we can't have it. Why? Because people are stupid. The stupid thing about people is that we want what we should not have or do not have. When we are rejected and denied something, the longing for it burns more. We are willing to starve ourselves, never to sleep in the hopes of finding a way to obtain what is not there to call ours. It seems as though we are fighting to steal an ethereal possesion that is not ours.
"It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents."
Eric Hoffer
He say what? From desire we are given opportunities to obtain what we want and the things we sometimes do can surprise us. But whyyyyy? Well, I guess it's because people tend to go to great lengths for things they desire. It's like there is a big fire burning in your chest and the only water you can find is sitting side by side with what you truly want. What pisses me off about this quote? People don't seem to be able to recognise these talents they possess without wanting something first. Talent is a gift and a fabulous opportunity, not the sidekick of 'I WANT, I WANT'ing. What we are able to do should be discovered for the pleasure of it and not a means to an end.
I hate desire. It hurts people and makes them do stupid things. It's worse when desire doesn't work out for you. It hurts more and begets a vicious cycle of pain and destruction.
Sweet Dreams and Many Cavities
Terreur
–verb (used with object)
1.to wish or long for; crave; want.
2.to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request: The mayor desires your presence at the next meeting.
–noun
3.a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment: a desire for fame.
4.an expressed wish; request.
5.something desired.
6.sexual appetite or a sexual urge.
To start me of I have found a few quotes to explain to the world and then pretty much bitch about to my heart's content. Nothing new, right?
“The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”
Madame de Stael
What do we take this to mean? Amy's belief: most men think with their penis and most women want them too. Why does it mean this? Well, for the men it's just the disposition of their brain and restricted blood flow. For women it is something more sinister and degrading. Even if the idea of a guy checking you out is pretty wicked. Women are teases and we know it. We are conceited and we want to feel as though the whole world is in love with us. Sometimes it's a self-esteem issue. Other times we just really like the attention. It's disgusting. Women complain about how perverse guys are and then lean over a little further so they can get a better view. If you ask them if they would sleep with a celebrity they'd probably say no, they aren't that kind of girl. If you tell them they'd get a million dollars, they'd jump at the chance.
I digress...I am not supposed to be having an I Hate Women rant, just a rant on Desire.
“We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us.”
rashaski Francois Rabelais (another French Fry)
What does it mean? We want what we can't have, especially if we get told we can't have it. Why? Because people are stupid. The stupid thing about people is that we want what we should not have or do not have. When we are rejected and denied something, the longing for it burns more. We are willing to starve ourselves, never to sleep in the hopes of finding a way to obtain what is not there to call ours. It seems as though we are fighting to steal an ethereal possesion that is not ours.
"It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents."
Eric Hoffer
He say what? From desire we are given opportunities to obtain what we want and the things we sometimes do can surprise us. But whyyyyy? Well, I guess it's because people tend to go to great lengths for things they desire. It's like there is a big fire burning in your chest and the only water you can find is sitting side by side with what you truly want. What pisses me off about this quote? People don't seem to be able to recognise these talents they possess without wanting something first. Talent is a gift and a fabulous opportunity, not the sidekick of 'I WANT, I WANT'ing. What we are able to do should be discovered for the pleasure of it and not a means to an end.
I hate desire. It hurts people and makes them do stupid things. It's worse when desire doesn't work out for you. It hurts more and begets a vicious cycle of pain and destruction.
Sweet Dreams and Many Cavities
Terreur
06 April, 2010
In So Many Ways, I Am A Lemon
Hmmm. Could it be that I am surviving constant interruption. Yeah, I suppose that it is my fault for leaving msn on. Oh wait, no it's not. Unless I physically turn off this laptop, msn will NOT log out. Until today, I wasn't even able to change my online/busy etc. status. It did that on it's own when it wanted to. Maybe I'm a little narky because I'm in VCE and my holiday is being wasted on mountains of homework. Or perhaps it's even that I have to prepare for a class I have on Friday AT UNIVERSITY. They're totally easy, right. It could even be that I'm surrounded by dickheads who I MUST put up with because I live with them. You know, the kind who start arguments over lights, miss their daughter's first Easter. Wait, no, it could be that everytime I have an idea IT DISAPPEARS. It may even be that my brother cut his own fricken hair and I had to fix it. Or maybe it's Sean pissing me off by taking jokes too far. Hang on, didn't I get most off a bottle of formula vomited on me by my niece recently? Like, in the last two hours? Yeah, I remember! I had to change TWICE. See, I really think it's the fact that my period takes twice as long to show up as is normal. It could have been the car accident I went past with St John and had to stop and assist at. Hmmm, maybe it's the neglected pregnant dog that sleeps in my room now. What about the fact that I've been having nightmares every night this whole week so I haven't slept? Oh, maybe it's coz I don't have time to do my laundry or have a proper shower without being rushed off to do something else. It might be the fact that my classes are leaving me pretty much broke except for one Wednesday a fortnight. It might have something to do with the fact that the police keep getting called up to my house. I don't know. Maybe I'm just having a bad day? Hmm?
So screw your tea cups, your changed tables and your incessant need to know what people DON'T like about you. Are you RETARDED? Why would you want to know what people DON'T like?
*leaves.*
So screw your tea cups, your changed tables and your incessant need to know what people DON'T like about you. Are you RETARDED? Why would you want to know what people DON'T like?
*leaves.*
What Will Keep Me Up Tonight
I understand that I was not a planned pregnancy and therefore am a 'mistake' but am I really a mistake? Was my birth an incident which should not have ever occurred? Do I have the right to be alive after all the stupid things I have done?
This essay is really hard. Why can't I focus and why does everything I write sound like a lie? Why am I struggling with something I normally do well? Where has my creativity gone?
Am I a good person? Why do I keep getting so frustrated and then hold grudges against people I love? Am I really doing what is best for myself or am I just trying to impress my dad and show him I honestly don't need him?
When I was little, I used to have a dog named Munchkin. I know where she is now but I haven't done anything about it. SOmeone else has my gorgeous dog and I'm not getting her back.
Why do I spend so much time with somebody else's kids? All day I'm practically attatched to Kerrie's hip in case she needs me. Where is Luke and why isn't he here with his daughter or ar work providing for her?
I think I'm going to get sick again soon. I'll deny it if I am, I'll tell anyone who says I'm ill they can fuck off. I can't have sick days. VCE is too important. Speaking of, WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY BAKING PAPER LEFT?
I'm such a clingy friend. And still a grumpy one. I'm just over talking to certain people and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Where can I get my answers? What about sleep?
Marnie, comment here and die.
This essay is really hard. Why can't I focus and why does everything I write sound like a lie? Why am I struggling with something I normally do well? Where has my creativity gone?
Am I a good person? Why do I keep getting so frustrated and then hold grudges against people I love? Am I really doing what is best for myself or am I just trying to impress my dad and show him I honestly don't need him?
When I was little, I used to have a dog named Munchkin. I know where she is now but I haven't done anything about it. SOmeone else has my gorgeous dog and I'm not getting her back.
Why do I spend so much time with somebody else's kids? All day I'm practically attatched to Kerrie's hip in case she needs me. Where is Luke and why isn't he here with his daughter or ar work providing for her?
I think I'm going to get sick again soon. I'll deny it if I am, I'll tell anyone who says I'm ill they can fuck off. I can't have sick days. VCE is too important. Speaking of, WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY BAKING PAPER LEFT?
I'm such a clingy friend. And still a grumpy one. I'm just over talking to certain people and I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Where can I get my answers? What about sleep?
Marnie, comment here and die.
05 April, 2010
Sweetest of Dreams, My Dearest Day Fail
Just had a Day Fail moment. Makes you feel all alone in the world when you get ignored, especially if you find out your mate deletes you too. Guys can be horrible sometimes and girls can be even worse. Either way it still sucks to have a Day Fail.
It's awful. Makes you feel unwanted. Gets you asking where the nearest bridge is.
You know what? I should have a kid. I should go out, get knocked up and force a child out of my vagina. That would right the world, wouldn't it? Like, totally. Kids are great and fun and I love them but what's the use of having a kid now? What would I do if the baby didn't love me? Just because I know other people who insist on sleeping around doesn't mean I'm going to become one of them. I would never ruin my life.
I'd just end it.
It's awful. Makes you feel unwanted. Gets you asking where the nearest bridge is.
You know what? I should have a kid. I should go out, get knocked up and force a child out of my vagina. That would right the world, wouldn't it? Like, totally. Kids are great and fun and I love them but what's the use of having a kid now? What would I do if the baby didn't love me? Just because I know other people who insist on sleeping around doesn't mean I'm going to become one of them. I would never ruin my life.
I'd just end it.
An Actual Post Talking About The Night.
So. I'm lying on the mattress in the anexxe and I am surprised by how warm it is in here again. The best things about this anexxe are the glass doors and the fact that this is a permanent structure with welded bits and sturdiness. I like the structure and the solidity. Right now I am loving the glass doors because I can see out of them.
From this mattress I can stay all snuggly and warm even though I'm nekkid and I can see the moon. It's a very pretty moon I must say. It looks to be five eights and in the waning stage. The clouds are spectacular. It's odd how all people can be laying down under the same moon but see something different.
I wish we could all see the same moon. Each of us is shown the same darkness, the same orb of light to shine through it, the same clouds but we all see a different moon. It is because of perspective. I hate perspective. I hate it even more than 'Whose Reality?' and that is a lot.
I just want everybody to lie down and be warm. I want them to drink hot chocolate, read a book, light some candles. They can listen to music, watch their babies sleep, sing lullabies, eat leftover lasagne ( :) ) for all I care. Be comfortable and watch your moon. Try to see it your way but try to see it mine too.
She is there to light our paths and to guide us in the dark. She is well set to mean more than the sun and surpasses all stars.
Sweet Dreams, Sleep Tight
Terreur Nocturne.
From this mattress I can stay all snuggly and warm even though I'm nekkid and I can see the moon. It's a very pretty moon I must say. It looks to be five eights and in the waning stage. The clouds are spectacular. It's odd how all people can be laying down under the same moon but see something different.
I wish we could all see the same moon. Each of us is shown the same darkness, the same orb of light to shine through it, the same clouds but we all see a different moon. It is because of perspective. I hate perspective. I hate it even more than 'Whose Reality?' and that is a lot.
I just want everybody to lie down and be warm. I want them to drink hot chocolate, read a book, light some candles. They can listen to music, watch their babies sleep, sing lullabies, eat leftover lasagne ( :) ) for all I care. Be comfortable and watch your moon. Try to see it your way but try to see it mine too.
She is there to light our paths and to guide us in the dark. She is well set to mean more than the sun and surpasses all stars.
Sweet Dreams, Sleep Tight
Terreur Nocturne.
04 April, 2010
Gemi
Today has been loads of fun. My family is happy, the baby is asleep and Scott threw a wicked as play tantrum during the egg hunt. Trina is getting really devious with our backyard! I guess it's a good thing I know it better than her but I would have had even more fun if I didn't. It's not about the chocolate but the finding of things.
I like knowing things. I like to solve problems and search for stuff. I like to feel like I have answers. It rights my world.
I'm really having a good day today so I've come to a conclusion. Sometimes you have to stop and assess things. When you look around you and think someone is messing with your head or playing mind games, it is usually because they are. So today, although I'm having a great time and loving my family I have to speak up.
That's it, I've had enough.
I have my head in a good place. My family is happy. I am happy and I'm too scared to risk that on wild and childish hopes. I am safe at home with an extensive supply of chocolate and the in-laws abundant. I am loved right now by people who are right here. That should be enough.
I like knowing things. I like to solve problems and search for stuff. I like to feel like I have answers. It rights my world.
I'm really having a good day today so I've come to a conclusion. Sometimes you have to stop and assess things. When you look around you and think someone is messing with your head or playing mind games, it is usually because they are. So today, although I'm having a great time and loving my family I have to speak up.
That's it, I've had enough.
I have my head in a good place. My family is happy. I am happy and I'm too scared to risk that on wild and childish hopes. I am safe at home with an extensive supply of chocolate and the in-laws abundant. I am loved right now by people who are right here. That should be enough.
03 April, 2010
e.e cummings inspired
it is nine twenty four and i think i am just going to sit her and typ and type without consequence i'm not going to bother with things unless they just occur and hey, if they occur they occur right half the time i do things like punctuate out of routing because i know it is what im supposed to do we are all trained that way. tonight i just want to go with my flow and keep going until i wake up and the world is over i got to help treat this really cute boy today i felt bad because he was only little his bumped head was blue green and i think thats funny because some people would say no its not its red coz they just look the same i wonder what would happen if you stuck a bunch of red-green colour blind people in a room full of paint swatches and told them to right down what colour they are? how would they know which colour to say that would be awesometastic fun but i guess it sucks it would make driving a little odd you just have to remember which light is which and hang the colour wait for it to flash! i've noticed how you dont have much tone in the flow of saying things without stopping yourself you could seem monotonous or too quick or indifferent i dont like indifference it isnt nice or fair be an individual and care its strange how you are different if you care we should care anyway i think i'm enjoying this fractured structure of flow going-with far too much but thats ok because it only affects me needs a vodka and some time with the muffin cam i love that kid she is so good and beautiful i want one thats right jealous of the hippos lol so mean to themselves these supposed hippos were but they were only sick of being pregnant i just accidentally typed in oregnant and it made me think of oregano wayne and i are still iming i think its cute now how he really wants me to want to have a kid my family is kinda nice he reckons practice makes perfect babies i reckon babies is babies and i want one my parents are weird and all that shit from a few nights has died down i dont really like what happened but both sides blew things out of preportion im glad i got to reminisce i dont have many people to tell me about my past i cried myself to sleep after dad told me this story about how he saved me from the highway when i was three how can someone i loath so much have loved me once must have been that time when i was still cute now everything is just screwed i want my dog back i want my huge rottie named munch and i want her to sleep on my feet like she used to i loved that dog so much i remember getting her from this chinese lady and the poor thing had never been outside munch had never even been out on grass it was so cute when she chased after dad she pretty much used to live on the back of his ute tray great welcome back waterworks i really miss that dog i loved her more than i have ever loved any person but some came close see the tuddle notes? yeah wheres tiffany when you need her or monnie but i don't think shell be round our house soon false positive pregnancy test thank god i dont know what i want
02 April, 2010
Ahhhhh, So Bored This Family Is!
I ovulate in six days and that is a problem because my stepsister's partner, Wayne knows that. He is also trying to convice me to have sex and get pregnant. It was merely a standing joke until now. He's serious that I should have a kid. I laughed, a lot and then I told him if he wants to me to share in the miracle of life thing, he should by me a turkey baster. You kinda need a GUY to get preggers!
Which I, by some kind of miraculous miracle, do NOT have. Nor a girlfriend but they wouldn't be of much use now would they?
And I mostly don't want a kid right now, specially after Monnie's scare. We were soooo worried about that. Besides, I'm still in highschool AND I just bought a new corset for Deej's party. No way would I fit that if I was knocked up. I would be even less able to breathe.
So I'll just be content with watching my little darling niece on the Live Muffin Cam Wayne set up, baby-sitting for Kerrie and sitting with Amanda resting my head on her belly to feel her BOY (you know you're having a boy!!!). Sarah, you're next. I'm just going to be a good little girl and daydream about kids named Choc Hazelnut Spread :)
Which I, by some kind of miraculous miracle, do NOT have. Nor a girlfriend but they wouldn't be of much use now would they?
And I mostly don't want a kid right now, specially after Monnie's scare. We were soooo worried about that. Besides, I'm still in highschool AND I just bought a new corset for Deej's party. No way would I fit that if I was knocked up. I would be even less able to breathe.
So I'll just be content with watching my little darling niece on the Live Muffin Cam Wayne set up, baby-sitting for Kerrie and sitting with Amanda resting my head on her belly to feel her BOY (you know you're having a boy!!!). Sarah, you're next. I'm just going to be a good little girl and daydream about kids named Choc Hazelnut Spread :)
Oh, But I AM Doubting
In my mind I'd replay our conversations over and over till they'd be like hallucination...
Does that mean I'm crazy? Or does it mean I'm trying to glean something to be hopeful about? What if I just need to hear a voice in there that isn't mine? Where are these questions coming from? Why are they so important?
If I could go back, do it again I'd be someone you could call friend. Please, please believe that I'm sorry...
What is it I did wrong? How am I supposed to fix it? Are we still friends? Or are we complacent and just being civil? Am I really sorry? Or am I sad that things are failing to work out? Do you think I'm your friend? Where are the answers? Why can't I find any answers?
Slipping through my fingers, like the sands of time. Feelings unfold, they will never be sold and the secret is safe with me...
Where have you gone? Did I go to? Will I ever go, for real? Why don't I understand how I feel today? Am I going to cry? Ever again? Can you be trusted? Can I? Do I tell my secrets? Are they already known? Why do I keep asking things? Why am I getting nowhere?
There was a time you let me know what's real and going on below but now you never show it to me do you...
Are you telling me the truth. Am I twisting lies out of everything? Will I ever be told what's going on? Do people hate me for having to explain so often? Why am I so scared of not knowing? Why can I not stop questioning everyone?
Once Upon a Midnight Dreary While I Pondered, Weak and Weary...
Why do I feel so out of place, out of time? Where has all my spirit gone? Am I sick? Am I done with myself? Is it too late late to give up on the world? Or has the world given up on me and I just haven't noticed?
Stop asking me! Get out of my head! Let me rest, recover, SURVIVE!
Does that mean I'm crazy? Or does it mean I'm trying to glean something to be hopeful about? What if I just need to hear a voice in there that isn't mine? Where are these questions coming from? Why are they so important?
If I could go back, do it again I'd be someone you could call friend. Please, please believe that I'm sorry...
What is it I did wrong? How am I supposed to fix it? Are we still friends? Or are we complacent and just being civil? Am I really sorry? Or am I sad that things are failing to work out? Do you think I'm your friend? Where are the answers? Why can't I find any answers?
Slipping through my fingers, like the sands of time. Feelings unfold, they will never be sold and the secret is safe with me...
Where have you gone? Did I go to? Will I ever go, for real? Why don't I understand how I feel today? Am I going to cry? Ever again? Can you be trusted? Can I? Do I tell my secrets? Are they already known? Why do I keep asking things? Why am I getting nowhere?
There was a time you let me know what's real and going on below but now you never show it to me do you...
Are you telling me the truth. Am I twisting lies out of everything? Will I ever be told what's going on? Do people hate me for having to explain so often? Why am I so scared of not knowing? Why can I not stop questioning everyone?
Once Upon a Midnight Dreary While I Pondered, Weak and Weary...
Why do I feel so out of place, out of time? Where has all my spirit gone? Am I sick? Am I done with myself? Is it too late late to give up on the world? Or has the world given up on me and I just haven't noticed?
Stop asking me! Get out of my head! Let me rest, recover, SURVIVE!
Your Tummy OWNS You!
Always listen to it. I sorta haven't been and then I sat down to have dinner and WHOA MY GOD!!! Was I starving or what?!?
It was HJ and I almost never like takeaway. Unless it's Chinese...For some inane reason, Chinese food is AWESOME! But I digress! I was all nomm nomm nomm nomm on this chicken burger and I ended up stealing Scott's chips. FATTY FATTY!! At least I haven't started on the ice cream, it's sitting in the freezer until I think I can move again.
I don't think I've had a proper meal in ages, not even at the MCG. They had this chicken thing (out of veggie options AGAIN! grrr and fay-yell) and I only got halfway through it. Couldn't even look at the veggies! Good thing they had little cakey things coz I had one of those and IT. WAS. AWESOME!
So maybe my body is telling me off. I believe it is saying "Feed me you stupid bitch or I'm going to stuff myself with fried foods and greasy animal!". I suppose I should listen but I don't have time or I don't care. Food is my friend but I couldn't be effed eating. I'll just go on the cheese diet and see how that works :) Gotta love Devil Wears Prada. HILARIOUS!!!
Goodbye my little munchkins! Don't forget to reminisce or tip your waitress!
It was HJ and I almost never like takeaway. Unless it's Chinese...For some inane reason, Chinese food is AWESOME! But I digress! I was all nomm nomm nomm nomm on this chicken burger and I ended up stealing Scott's chips. FATTY FATTY!! At least I haven't started on the ice cream, it's sitting in the freezer until I think I can move again.
I don't think I've had a proper meal in ages, not even at the MCG. They had this chicken thing (out of veggie options AGAIN! grrr and fay-yell) and I only got halfway through it. Couldn't even look at the veggies! Good thing they had little cakey things coz I had one of those and IT. WAS. AWESOME!
So maybe my body is telling me off. I believe it is saying "Feed me you stupid bitch or I'm going to stuff myself with fried foods and greasy animal!". I suppose I should listen but I don't have time or I don't care. Food is my friend but I couldn't be effed eating. I'll just go on the cheese diet and see how that works :) Gotta love Devil Wears Prada. HILARIOUS!!!
Goodbye my little munchkins! Don't forget to reminisce or tip your waitress!
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