Bunny...?

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again. Sometimes I reckon it would be worth being back in all that hurt to be out of the hurt I'm in now. Years and years of seeing things has built up and I want to burn out my eyes. I would rather be living in things that hurt me so badly but I don't understand than things I do so they don't hurt as much.
I remember those morbid nights when I would watch my parents fight because they didn't know I was there. I'd be enthralled by my father's anger and my mother's submission. I don't remember ever seeing him hit her but he did. I know how he hurt her. She was my mother; it was my job to know.
Does forced sex count as rape if you're married? Because I know that happened too. And the worst part is I don't know how long ago I remember that from. I know I was at least ten or younger. How vile is that? How absolutely disgusting is it to think that any child, let alone your own heard the fight that led to that? The crying and the begging for help? Because I heard it. I didn't understand much but I wasn't stupid and I knew it was wrong.
I'll never forget all those mornings I woke up and spent hours scrubbing my skin before everyone else got up. It was so hard not to wake Tiffany up. We still shared a room then and I could never explain to her why I was so desperate to be clean. I never used to think about staying with Meredith and Steph when mum had really early shifts at work. It never happened again after that night. I know that piece of scum looked twice in Tiffany's direction. I try to feel something for her but I can't. I was less than nine years old and the sick bastard tried something. I guess I'll never be prouder of myself than I was then. I think I broke his nose when I elbowed him in the face.
That was the one time I should have thought to scream and I didn't. I knew 'stranger danger'. I knew I was supposed to scream and try to get an adult to hear me. I just didn't know this was why. It's so weird. Sometimes I'll be sitting somewhere or relaxing and I'll be telling myself to scream. I'm so scared now that I won't be able to if I need to because I can't do it now. I can't make myself scream. I get embarrassed or I keep telling myself it is stupid.
But now I'm older. Now I know things and I understand what happens to me and around me. A few years ago, I was with my friend Sam and we were somewhere. I don't remember where it was, I think it was a guy's house. I'm not sure why we were there but I started remembering things I shouldn't have, not at that time. I remember hiding in a bedroom and then someone came in. I don't know why, I don't remember any more and that worries me. I think I got angry with this person who came in or I just got really scared. I remember less about that day than I do about the actual day that I was thinking about. I felt so insane sitting on the floor freaking out about something I wasn't sure was real and all I could think of was how it was so dark that night, how everything was black and then I was fighting something I couldn't see.
Now I'd rather go back to that night, back to when I was fighting an invisible monster. I'd rather be waking up at four o'clock for a cold shower than to scream. I'd rather relive every school day after my dad hit me for the first time for the rest of my life because I didn't understand it. I'd rather wonder know nothing about the kitten I accidentally stepped on than know now that I killed him. I would give anything to go back to those times because I didn't know what they meant.
Now I'm becoming a grown up. I have plans and classes and expectations. People want me to grow up and be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher. They want me to hold down a boring job, have a boring relationship, a boring wedding, boring children and a boring married life. I want that too. But my way.
I want to spend my days sifting through the debris of ended lives and cultures. I want to love and be loved, a white dress and a thousand cameras. I want a son named Aaron Lee and a daughter named ChocHazelnut Spread. I want to go on like that for years and years. I really do but I think I'm lying if I say I don't want to just be a kid for the rest of my life. I want to be seven and never get any older.
Being a person and not a child is such an effort.