I decided to take the blog outside today. I brought the dogs down to the park near my house and let them roam leash free. I think they enjoy this. I brought them down here a few days ago and they were pretty well behaved but Billy is trying to be a macho man today. I had to keep fetching him and putting him on the leash. That meant he had to sit with me and that meant he thought he was allowed to lick my face off. I didn’t let him; he smelled like cat food. Strange dog.
Being outdoors made me think about a lot of things. I had fleeting thoughts that are really stuck in my mind now. I really want to go to that audition but right now I am terrified of rejection. I told my parents about it so I think I’m going to go. I just hope they don’t tell me I’m not good enough. I won’t cry. I almost never cry anymore, not even when I’m hurt. My eyes just fill up with tears for a few seconds and then it is all over. So I know I won’t cry if I get rejected (again) but I’ll definitely hate it. A lot. I got stuck into myself on my eating habits again. I’ve cut back on food a lot, I’m just not hungry. It doesn’t look like it is an issue yet and I don’t want it to. It isn’t like I’m deliberately starving myself or vomiting everything up. I just don’t feel like eating. Maybe it’s just the whole teen hormones thing messing with me. I don’t sleep much either but that has always been true of me. I started sleeping more regularly in the past year but now I’m in bed at two with a wakeup call of six or seven. I guess it is better than what it used to be- bed at four and up at six. That was really hard. I felt like crap after that. It’s these stupid nightmares. Usually I only have one or two in a week but not anymore. I had them nearly every night this week. I actually had three last night. I didn’t want to go back to sleep but I had duty and newbies to induct. The newbies were pretty good today. We checked the oxy-soc and the defibrillator. We didn’t get around to resuscitation kit coz Hilary wanted them to watch her treat. I ended up getting Kimberly to check the stretcher and everything else with me. She takes a long time to do things. I love My Kimmy to bits and pieces but we need to be quick on duty. Time is of the essence! Kimberly talked to me about a spat between her big sis (My Jodie) and Sam. I didn’t like what I was hearing. Sam is a horrible influence on my minions. Tilly thought she was pregnant. I didn’t know that and now I do. Sam is going to hear from me about that. I will kill her. Tilly is thirteen.
I think too much. People tell me that and I know it myself. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor leaning against my bed and having a bit of a cry. Tiffany came in with her boyfriend and they sat on the bed behind me. I just let out everything I was thinking about and what was worrying me. Tiffany laughed. I was confused because I thought what I was thinking was going through everyone’s mind. Obviously it wasn’t but Tif was proud that I had everyone else’s best interests at heart. She smacked me for worrying about it though. I over thought things and I didn’t even realise some of the things that were bothering me until Tif asked me to tell her everything. Now I just ponder things for too long. I try and stay on one topic as long as possible unless I don’t like what’s being said or I don’t want to embarrass myself. Then I run away from talking.
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