You Remembered Me
-Miss Marnie-
Sat us down to drink some tea
To choose and save the soul of me
For from my bag here was found
Relief to bury me in the ground
Where my death was ever coming
Still we sat for another minute
Every sign, they had not seen it
Coming but learnt to keep me safe
Yet I did not want and misbehaved
The night was calling so I was coming
Stayed we there to question my choice
And we met but I could not voice
What I wanted, I could not say
Then I left to live another day
Still I felt no sunrise
Sat us down with no more tea
We spoke and planned and you saved me
I wanted not to exist for I could not stand it
Hiding every pain between smiles and wit
Gone is the light in my eyes
The milk is sour, the water cold
It ages my soul far too old
So I lay as though to sleep
And close my eyes just too weep
To save you from another lie
Another day of endless fighting
Inhuman pain and sadly dying
Always to fall and be with you
A cold, still heart but one that was true
Here! My heart is agony! I cry
Take a minute to remember me
O! All the things I made you see!
For Bridget O'Neill (Because I love her)
31 March, 2010
Tina's Dream
I used to have a code word. It was “dreams”. Every time I needed an emergency meeting with Tina I would let the receptionist know it was regarding my dreams. I was given priority because of this code word. Tina would shift appointments a little, cut them short by ten minutes, whatever it took to get me thirty minutes with her as soon as possible. It’s funny; I always called it Tina’s dream even though it was mine. I guess I thought that telling her about it would make it hers. I wish it was her dream. It scares me and I don’t want to face it. Tina’s dream is the only one that makes me sick. For my other nightmares I scream or strike out. I shake uncontrollably and I even cry, which is hard for me to do, but I am never sick. No post can ever help me with Tina’s dream. Tina’s dream is the end of the world.
I am walking through what I have always imagined as the Secret Garden. I am wearing my mother's dress and I can hear it against the grass that I feel beneath my feet, a gentle and soft 'swish, swish'. The ground is firm but springy and my ankles are relieved. I have tears running down my face; they are blue. I keep walking, past the roses, the tulips, the carnations. I bend to pick a lily. Of course I choose the flower of the dead. It is weightless and I feel it slip between my fingers until I grasp it tightly. I kiss the flower and keep moving. I walk past the flower swing and over to her. She is lying under the willow tree with the roses growing over it. The aging grey stone wall stands strong behind her. She is sleeping and a carnation is leaning towards her face.
I don’t stop myself. I kill her. I don’t know it is coming but I do at the same time. It’s really confusing. I lay the lily on her chest and kiss her closed eyes. I run the back of my hand across her face and say goodbye.
“Sleeping Beauty, forgive me. Goodbye Carolynne-Anne.”
Of course I cry. Who would kill their mother? Who would kill Beloved?
I am walking through what I have always imagined as the Secret Garden. I am wearing my mother's dress and I can hear it against the grass that I feel beneath my feet, a gentle and soft 'swish, swish'. The ground is firm but springy and my ankles are relieved. I have tears running down my face; they are blue. I keep walking, past the roses, the tulips, the carnations. I bend to pick a lily. Of course I choose the flower of the dead. It is weightless and I feel it slip between my fingers until I grasp it tightly. I kiss the flower and keep moving. I walk past the flower swing and over to her. She is lying under the willow tree with the roses growing over it. The aging grey stone wall stands strong behind her. She is sleeping and a carnation is leaning towards her face.
I don’t stop myself. I kill her. I don’t know it is coming but I do at the same time. It’s really confusing. I lay the lily on her chest and kiss her closed eyes. I run the back of my hand across her face and say goodbye.
“Sleeping Beauty, forgive me. Goodbye Carolynne-Anne.”
Of course I cry. Who would kill their mother? Who would kill Beloved?
Darcy
Last night I dreamt that I went to school today. Everyone was called back to talk about bullying. I didn’t know why, we just were. I was told I was going to have to get up and talk about sexual harassment. That part was weird. Then one of the female team leaders started talking to us about the consequences of bullying and taking it too far. We were told about this girl who was tortured by the ‘popular’ girls. It was scary and gross coz I stopped being at the school and I was watching what happened instead.
The girl had dark hair. I don’t know her name but I’m calling her Darcy so I don’t get confused. The girls spiked her drink and dragged her down to a river. They took her clothes and forced her to cross because there was something for her on the other side. It turned out to be her dad. He was mutilated and swollen. He had deep gashes all over his body and the skin around them was puffed up. The girls had drowned him in the river. The girls told Darcy she’d have to swim don the river until they said she could stop or her mum was going to be next. She did as she was told but they drowned her. Every time she was allowed back up for air, they pushed her back under. Eventually she stopped coming back up. She was found in the river SEVEN days later.
The whole thing was very graphic and disturbing. It didn’t just look like it was Real Life, it felt like it.
The girl had dark hair. I don’t know her name but I’m calling her Darcy so I don’t get confused. The girls spiked her drink and dragged her down to a river. They took her clothes and forced her to cross because there was something for her on the other side. It turned out to be her dad. He was mutilated and swollen. He had deep gashes all over his body and the skin around them was puffed up. The girls had drowned him in the river. The girls told Darcy she’d have to swim don the river until they said she could stop or her mum was going to be next. She did as she was told but they drowned her. Every time she was allowed back up for air, they pushed her back under. Eventually she stopped coming back up. She was found in the river SEVEN days later.
The whole thing was very graphic and disturbing. It didn’t just look like it was Real Life, it felt like it.
30 March, 2010
Do You Get What You Deserve?
Let us pretend I am one of you today. Yes, I will be one of the girls, laughing from behind their D&G glasses and over their bottled Evian. I am sick of seeing your eyes upon the world and questioning if it is just that we don’t want to be JUST LIKE YOU or that we can’t. I don’t want to hear your sorry excuses and I don’t want to see you buy me off with daddy’s credit card. I want to lie about people and brand them just as much as you do. I want to rant and hate you as much as you hate me. At least I can say why, at least I am NOT following a crowd.
Literature. All you need is a damned good word to take the ‘spoilt’ out of you so you can treat us like the human beings we are. You are sick and perverse people and you need reinforcement to quit your cruelty.
Blondes. Pick up a copy of ‘Walking Naked’. I’d like to see how lovely the world is after you see how your ‘freaks’ live in it. I’d like to see you hate and breed spite but call yourselves GOOD PEOPLE once the words of someone smarter and so much wiser than you have been drummed through you skull. Pick it up, read it, find Perdita. She is hiding in your life someone attempting to be saved from you and your wicked smiles of the lies. You don’t want to help; You will not be her friend.
Redheads. You may be the beautiful kind but you are so ugly on the inside. ‘True Green of Hope’. Read it and read it and read it again until you can’t stop thinking about her. Your parents may not love each other, they may sleep in separate beds but hey, we all know you only say it hurts so mummy will take you to the spa, daddy will open his wallet. You spoilt BITCH, you aren’t even worthy of the effort made to construct this text.
The Brunette. I saw you. You made a particular impression. I’ve even decided to single you out for your own book. Really, there are three. Try Scott Westerfield. He wrote ‘Uglies’, ‘Pretties’ and ‘Specials’ just for you. You think you’re helping us, trying to warn us about the type of people we CHOOSE to spend our time with? We know who they are and we LOVE them in spite of it. I don’t care what you say, I don’t care what you think and I damn well know that you just had a nose job.
The Rainbows. What is it with you lot? I saw two purple (lavender, not my colour), a blue that looked more green than anything else, an orange AND purple and a pink. ‘Does My Head Look Big In This?’ You might look different and that is great for you, individuality and all that jazz but you need to learn there is choosing to be different and having that difference being a part of you. I had you picked as the most tolerant. Now I know you earned the split lip.
All I can say to you is that I never wish to see your faces again. I probably won’t even recognise them for a few weeks. You do not persecute my second family like you did.
I’m glad I wore jewellery today.
Literature. All you need is a damned good word to take the ‘spoilt’ out of you so you can treat us like the human beings we are. You are sick and perverse people and you need reinforcement to quit your cruelty.
Blondes. Pick up a copy of ‘Walking Naked’. I’d like to see how lovely the world is after you see how your ‘freaks’ live in it. I’d like to see you hate and breed spite but call yourselves GOOD PEOPLE once the words of someone smarter and so much wiser than you have been drummed through you skull. Pick it up, read it, find Perdita. She is hiding in your life someone attempting to be saved from you and your wicked smiles of the lies. You don’t want to help; You will not be her friend.
Redheads. You may be the beautiful kind but you are so ugly on the inside. ‘True Green of Hope’. Read it and read it and read it again until you can’t stop thinking about her. Your parents may not love each other, they may sleep in separate beds but hey, we all know you only say it hurts so mummy will take you to the spa, daddy will open his wallet. You spoilt BITCH, you aren’t even worthy of the effort made to construct this text.
The Brunette. I saw you. You made a particular impression. I’ve even decided to single you out for your own book. Really, there are three. Try Scott Westerfield. He wrote ‘Uglies’, ‘Pretties’ and ‘Specials’ just for you. You think you’re helping us, trying to warn us about the type of people we CHOOSE to spend our time with? We know who they are and we LOVE them in spite of it. I don’t care what you say, I don’t care what you think and I damn well know that you just had a nose job.
The Rainbows. What is it with you lot? I saw two purple (lavender, not my colour), a blue that looked more green than anything else, an orange AND purple and a pink. ‘Does My Head Look Big In This?’ You might look different and that is great for you, individuality and all that jazz but you need to learn there is choosing to be different and having that difference being a part of you. I had you picked as the most tolerant. Now I know you earned the split lip.
All I can say to you is that I never wish to see your faces again. I probably won’t even recognise them for a few weeks. You do not persecute my second family like you did.
I’m glad I wore jewellery today.
Forgiveness When There Is Nothing To Forgive
Days have lost their way with me. I want to cry but I can’t; I don’t know how to anymore. I have only just found you again and I am leaving. Why am I always leaving you? The world is fighting against me. I am trying to be happy when I know I don’t deserve it and that is why the world is fighting me. I am being punished and the plan is to let it happen. I am not letting it happen so I must suffer worse to come. I will not fight the inevitable any longer; I will take what I am served and make the best of it. That means getting up at 6 am to keep old friends so I will do it. You are not one of those old friends. You do not see me every day as they see me. It hurts to think I am losing the friends I have found once more but I must. Where else would I go? I need the support, the structure. I need the pretend family we have.
To be carbon is to be human and to be human is to ache. I am tired of aching. I am tired of being alone. I want to be loved indefinitely and without reproach. I am sick of my faults, flaws and inability to forgive myself. Let go. You have to let go. So here: Amy, I apologise for what you have been forced to endure. It was of my doing and I have the most sincere of regrets. As of this moment you are relinquished to live as you please. For the mistakes made when you were young you are now absolved. Be happy. Ignore the plan and do as you please. You are no longer bound by your unforgiving self. I love you as you are.
To be carbon is to be human and to be human is to ache. I am tired of aching. I am tired of being alone. I want to be loved indefinitely and without reproach. I am sick of my faults, flaws and inability to forgive myself. Let go. You have to let go. So here: Amy, I apologise for what you have been forced to endure. It was of my doing and I have the most sincere of regrets. As of this moment you are relinquished to live as you please. For the mistakes made when you were young you are now absolved. Be happy. Ignore the plan and do as you please. You are no longer bound by your unforgiving self. I love you as you are.
29 March, 2010
What Not To Eat
Have you ever eaten vegemite on toast with a bit of coconut? I wasn’t planning on it but somehow it ended up on my breakfast so there you have it. It was an interesting flavour (or lack of in the coconut department) combination. It wasn’t yucky but it was different and I have a strange feeling that I liked it.
So there you have it; the idea for today’s topic. I have decided upon What Not to Eat.
Item number one: Out of date Glutose paste
Don’t. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! NO! It gets chunky bits in it. It isn’t asposed to have chunky bits. They are not nice and you don’t want to ever taste that. Yes, eventually your tongue does go numb from the pure sugar and gelatine but it isn’t soon enough. Oh God, it is so disgusting. By all means, eat it before it expires (and if your DS says it’s ok) but afterwards Glutose paste becomes What Not to Eat.
Number two: Chocolate yoghurt. On EVERYTHING.
People get the impression you’re pregnant. Even if you’re only twelve. Ever had pasta and chocolate yoghurt? I doubt it. What about carrot? Actually, that tastes nice once you get used to it... But you wouldn’t be used to it so shmerr. There so many foods that chocolate yoghurt goes perfect with. It is capable of being ridiculously delicious. I am simply beseeching you not to eat Chocolate yoghurt. On EVERYTHING.
Three: Chocolate thickshakes with a packet of ketchup.
I did try this one. I was in the line of fire from a pregnant and craving woman so off I went for her thickshake and packet of ketchup. I thought I’d see what the fuss was about. The fuss was eww. It was not a nice combination. Milk, chocolate and sauce. Like I mentioned above, not everything works well with chocolate. This was worse than that. It epic failed with a ‘ph’.
This is not a complete list of everything I believe should be on the What Not to Eat list. You can tell because I haven’t mentioned brussel sprouts. It’s because I’m too damn lazy to tell you about anymore just now. That and I have a StJ duty to get ready for.
So there you have it; the idea for today’s topic. I have decided upon What Not to Eat.
Item number one: Out of date Glutose paste
Don’t. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! NO! It gets chunky bits in it. It isn’t asposed to have chunky bits. They are not nice and you don’t want to ever taste that. Yes, eventually your tongue does go numb from the pure sugar and gelatine but it isn’t soon enough. Oh God, it is so disgusting. By all means, eat it before it expires (and if your DS says it’s ok) but afterwards Glutose paste becomes What Not to Eat.
Number two: Chocolate yoghurt. On EVERYTHING.
People get the impression you’re pregnant. Even if you’re only twelve. Ever had pasta and chocolate yoghurt? I doubt it. What about carrot? Actually, that tastes nice once you get used to it... But you wouldn’t be used to it so shmerr. There so many foods that chocolate yoghurt goes perfect with. It is capable of being ridiculously delicious. I am simply beseeching you not to eat Chocolate yoghurt. On EVERYTHING.
Three: Chocolate thickshakes with a packet of ketchup.
I did try this one. I was in the line of fire from a pregnant and craving woman so off I went for her thickshake and packet of ketchup. I thought I’d see what the fuss was about. The fuss was eww. It was not a nice combination. Milk, chocolate and sauce. Like I mentioned above, not everything works well with chocolate. This was worse than that. It epic failed with a ‘ph’.
This is not a complete list of everything I believe should be on the What Not to Eat list. You can tell because I haven’t mentioned brussel sprouts. It’s because I’m too damn lazy to tell you about anymore just now. That and I have a StJ duty to get ready for.
28 March, 2010
The Outdoors and Thinking Too Much
I decided to take the blog outside today. I brought the dogs down to the park near my house and let them roam leash free. I think they enjoy this. I brought them down here a few days ago and they were pretty well behaved but Billy is trying to be a macho man today. I had to keep fetching him and putting him on the leash. That meant he had to sit with me and that meant he thought he was allowed to lick my face off. I didn’t let him; he smelled like cat food. Strange dog.
Being outdoors made me think about a lot of things. I had fleeting thoughts that are really stuck in my mind now. I really want to go to that audition but right now I am terrified of rejection. I told my parents about it so I think I’m going to go. I just hope they don’t tell me I’m not good enough. I won’t cry. I almost never cry anymore, not even when I’m hurt. My eyes just fill up with tears for a few seconds and then it is all over. So I know I won’t cry if I get rejected (again) but I’ll definitely hate it. A lot. I got stuck into myself on my eating habits again. I’ve cut back on food a lot, I’m just not hungry. It doesn’t look like it is an issue yet and I don’t want it to. It isn’t like I’m deliberately starving myself or vomiting everything up. I just don’t feel like eating. Maybe it’s just the whole teen hormones thing messing with me. I don’t sleep much either but that has always been true of me. I started sleeping more regularly in the past year but now I’m in bed at two with a wakeup call of six or seven. I guess it is better than what it used to be- bed at four and up at six. That was really hard. I felt like crap after that. It’s these stupid nightmares. Usually I only have one or two in a week but not anymore. I had them nearly every night this week. I actually had three last night. I didn’t want to go back to sleep but I had duty and newbies to induct. The newbies were pretty good today. We checked the oxy-soc and the defibrillator. We didn’t get around to resuscitation kit coz Hilary wanted them to watch her treat. I ended up getting Kimberly to check the stretcher and everything else with me. She takes a long time to do things. I love My Kimmy to bits and pieces but we need to be quick on duty. Time is of the essence! Kimberly talked to me about a spat between her big sis (My Jodie) and Sam. I didn’t like what I was hearing. Sam is a horrible influence on my minions. Tilly thought she was pregnant. I didn’t know that and now I do. Sam is going to hear from me about that. I will kill her. Tilly is thirteen.
I think too much. People tell me that and I know it myself. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor leaning against my bed and having a bit of a cry. Tiffany came in with her boyfriend and they sat on the bed behind me. I just let out everything I was thinking about and what was worrying me. Tiffany laughed. I was confused because I thought what I was thinking was going through everyone’s mind. Obviously it wasn’t but Tif was proud that I had everyone else’s best interests at heart. She smacked me for worrying about it though. I over thought things and I didn’t even realise some of the things that were bothering me until Tif asked me to tell her everything. Now I just ponder things for too long. I try and stay on one topic as long as possible unless I don’t like what’s being said or I don’t want to embarrass myself. Then I run away from talking.
Being outdoors made me think about a lot of things. I had fleeting thoughts that are really stuck in my mind now. I really want to go to that audition but right now I am terrified of rejection. I told my parents about it so I think I’m going to go. I just hope they don’t tell me I’m not good enough. I won’t cry. I almost never cry anymore, not even when I’m hurt. My eyes just fill up with tears for a few seconds and then it is all over. So I know I won’t cry if I get rejected (again) but I’ll definitely hate it. A lot. I got stuck into myself on my eating habits again. I’ve cut back on food a lot, I’m just not hungry. It doesn’t look like it is an issue yet and I don’t want it to. It isn’t like I’m deliberately starving myself or vomiting everything up. I just don’t feel like eating. Maybe it’s just the whole teen hormones thing messing with me. I don’t sleep much either but that has always been true of me. I started sleeping more regularly in the past year but now I’m in bed at two with a wakeup call of six or seven. I guess it is better than what it used to be- bed at four and up at six. That was really hard. I felt like crap after that. It’s these stupid nightmares. Usually I only have one or two in a week but not anymore. I had them nearly every night this week. I actually had three last night. I didn’t want to go back to sleep but I had duty and newbies to induct. The newbies were pretty good today. We checked the oxy-soc and the defibrillator. We didn’t get around to resuscitation kit coz Hilary wanted them to watch her treat. I ended up getting Kimberly to check the stretcher and everything else with me. She takes a long time to do things. I love My Kimmy to bits and pieces but we need to be quick on duty. Time is of the essence! Kimberly talked to me about a spat between her big sis (My Jodie) and Sam. I didn’t like what I was hearing. Sam is a horrible influence on my minions. Tilly thought she was pregnant. I didn’t know that and now I do. Sam is going to hear from me about that. I will kill her. Tilly is thirteen.
I think too much. People tell me that and I know it myself. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor leaning against my bed and having a bit of a cry. Tiffany came in with her boyfriend and they sat on the bed behind me. I just let out everything I was thinking about and what was worrying me. Tiffany laughed. I was confused because I thought what I was thinking was going through everyone’s mind. Obviously it wasn’t but Tif was proud that I had everyone else’s best interests at heart. She smacked me for worrying about it though. I over thought things and I didn’t even realise some of the things that were bothering me until Tif asked me to tell her everything. Now I just ponder things for too long. I try and stay on one topic as long as possible unless I don’t like what’s being said or I don’t want to embarrass myself. Then I run away from talking.
26 March, 2010
I wish...
There is a well and I know where to find it. The bottom is littered with coins. Silver, bronze, gold, silver again. Here we come to see, to feel my dreams. What I hope for. What I want.
Hold the coin. Feel it, round, cold, impersonal. Hold it tightly. Feel it, round, warm, your wish in physical being. Own it, want it, remember why you NEED it. And release. Let go of your dream. Give it away.
Let it fall and keep falling until you cannot see it. Wait for that tiny splash. The one you almost don't hear. Wait for it and tell yourself it was there, you did hear it. Keeps you sane. Gives you hope.
It helps to close your eyes. It is easier to let go of your wish, to put it in the hands of none and no one. When you do take the plunge, putting your dreams out into the world, dance like no one is watching. Even if they are. You fell over? Get up and dance again.
Act like you have it, like it won't go anywhere and you never want it to.
The early bird may catch the worm so it's better to sleep in if you're a worm. It may take it's time but you will have it. It will come to you.
So. I'll hold onto the coin. I'm not ready to drop it just yet. With that in mind, I'll go to sleep so I can risk being caught by the early bird - I need to shove my mattress against the wall later.
Hold the coin. Feel it, round, cold, impersonal. Hold it tightly. Feel it, round, warm, your wish in physical being. Own it, want it, remember why you NEED it. And release. Let go of your dream. Give it away.
Let it fall and keep falling until you cannot see it. Wait for that tiny splash. The one you almost don't hear. Wait for it and tell yourself it was there, you did hear it. Keeps you sane. Gives you hope.
It helps to close your eyes. It is easier to let go of your wish, to put it in the hands of none and no one. When you do take the plunge, putting your dreams out into the world, dance like no one is watching. Even if they are. You fell over? Get up and dance again.
Act like you have it, like it won't go anywhere and you never want it to.
The early bird may catch the worm so it's better to sleep in if you're a worm. It may take it's time but you will have it. It will come to you.
So. I'll hold onto the coin. I'm not ready to drop it just yet. With that in mind, I'll go to sleep so I can risk being caught by the early bird - I need to shove my mattress against the wall later.
So Sparkly.
This was not today's original post.
I had another nightmare last night. It was very Alice in Wonderland. I was standing by a cherry blossom on top of a mountain covered in grey snow. I slipped and fell the whole way down. I could feel it. I half woke up and I was aching all over. I stood up to look around but there was a massive purple python in my way. He wrapped around my ribcage and I couldn't breathe. The snake changed into a person, holding me close and making me feel safe. I opened my eyes and he was gone but I had blood all over my hands.
I was woken up by my own screaming and Billy forcing his way into my room.
I had another nightmare last night. It was very Alice in Wonderland. I was standing by a cherry blossom on top of a mountain covered in grey snow. I slipped and fell the whole way down. I could feel it. I half woke up and I was aching all over. I stood up to look around but there was a massive purple python in my way. He wrapped around my ribcage and I couldn't breathe. The snake changed into a person, holding me close and making me feel safe. I opened my eyes and he was gone but I had blood all over my hands.
I was woken up by my own screaming and Billy forcing his way into my room.
25 March, 2010
Hypocritical Relationship Advice
You remember that saying "If you love them, let them go. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be." Ignore it.
Bullshit and lies. All of it. That phrase has two things I can't stand: the word 'if' and a blatant lie that corrupts the soul and destroys the heart.
Should you love them, grab hold with both hands, tie them down and never, EVER let them leave. Love is not for everyone, it is forever and you get so very few chances at it. Love will not wait for you to come back, to rediscover it, to try another day.
Love wants you now, when you are open and willing to love and be loved.
"You have to be cruel to be kind."
No. You don't. Love is not cruel and so you should not be either. Love is hard, that's all. Love wants to hurt you, stretch your limits and drag you to each corner of the Earth. Tell Love the Earth is not flat and Love will accept you. Love wants to make you feel its pain. Love wants you to compare your ache with its removal. Do not be cruel. Be kind and grateful.
Teen Pregnancy - Abortion coz he says so
When he tells you to get rid of 'it' just remember that 'it' is alive and 'it' is growing because your body loves 'it'. What you have inside of you is beautiful and not everyone is so fortunate to experience what you go through. Just because a child may interfere with someone's life plans does NOT mean that life is any less valuable. You should do what you feel is best for you and your baby. Should YOU decide that means termination, that is your choice. A child with no home and no life to look forward to will not appreciate entering this world. It is different if you abort your child for the relationship you had. It won't be the same. You won't love him for it. You will despise his very being. Choose carefully. Choose very, very carefully and remember to keep thinking of yourself, not him.
Getting Married - When you are sixteen
Don't. It's a dumb idea. You will SOOO fail.
That covers it.
If You Like Her (Yes, YOU) - Ask Her Out
She's graduating in a year? Big fucking deal, so she's out of high school first. What, were you racing? Or is it that you think she'll move? How far can a person go for crying out loud. I'll bet she doesn't head for Singapore so you always have IM, email, letters, texts, phone calls, weekend visits and post-it notes. Yes, post it notes. They work wonders. Just a little 'hi' will keep her smiling for a week after she finds it under the sink or in her closet or wherever.
Asking Her Out - But How Do I Make Her Like Me First?
Post-it notes: for EVERYTHING you could ever think of. Talk to her. Let her know you care if she feels 'swirly' and relaxed. Make the warm fuzzy feeling! Tell her things that make her less scared. Give her a reason to wait up until 2am to see if you get back online. Hug her often, even if you're just friends. Don't put your arms around her shuolders for two seconds then just let go. Wrap your ams around her. Stand close and take a deep breath. Always close your eyes,make it just you and her. Breathe out slowly and then you can let go.
Don't compare the love you had to the like you have. It isn't fair on the other person. You gave up on love, you sent it off and now you pay with second best. Keep it.
It is your reminder that you are an idiot. Enjoy.
Bullshit and lies. All of it. That phrase has two things I can't stand: the word 'if' and a blatant lie that corrupts the soul and destroys the heart.
Should you love them, grab hold with both hands, tie them down and never, EVER let them leave. Love is not for everyone, it is forever and you get so very few chances at it. Love will not wait for you to come back, to rediscover it, to try another day.
Love wants you now, when you are open and willing to love and be loved.
"You have to be cruel to be kind."
No. You don't. Love is not cruel and so you should not be either. Love is hard, that's all. Love wants to hurt you, stretch your limits and drag you to each corner of the Earth. Tell Love the Earth is not flat and Love will accept you. Love wants to make you feel its pain. Love wants you to compare your ache with its removal. Do not be cruel. Be kind and grateful.
Teen Pregnancy - Abortion coz he says so
When he tells you to get rid of 'it' just remember that 'it' is alive and 'it' is growing because your body loves 'it'. What you have inside of you is beautiful and not everyone is so fortunate to experience what you go through. Just because a child may interfere with someone's life plans does NOT mean that life is any less valuable. You should do what you feel is best for you and your baby. Should YOU decide that means termination, that is your choice. A child with no home and no life to look forward to will not appreciate entering this world. It is different if you abort your child for the relationship you had. It won't be the same. You won't love him for it. You will despise his very being. Choose carefully. Choose very, very carefully and remember to keep thinking of yourself, not him.
Getting Married - When you are sixteen
Don't. It's a dumb idea. You will SOOO fail.
That covers it.
If You Like Her (Yes, YOU) - Ask Her Out
She's graduating in a year? Big fucking deal, so she's out of high school first. What, were you racing? Or is it that you think she'll move? How far can a person go for crying out loud. I'll bet she doesn't head for Singapore so you always have IM, email, letters, texts, phone calls, weekend visits and post-it notes. Yes, post it notes. They work wonders. Just a little 'hi' will keep her smiling for a week after she finds it under the sink or in her closet or wherever.
Asking Her Out - But How Do I Make Her Like Me First?
Post-it notes: for EVERYTHING you could ever think of. Talk to her. Let her know you care if she feels 'swirly' and relaxed. Make the warm fuzzy feeling! Tell her things that make her less scared. Give her a reason to wait up until 2am to see if you get back online. Hug her often, even if you're just friends. Don't put your arms around her shuolders for two seconds then just let go. Wrap your ams around her. Stand close and take a deep breath. Always close your eyes,make it just you and her. Breathe out slowly and then you can let go.
Don't compare the love you had to the like you have. It isn't fair on the other person. You gave up on love, you sent it off and now you pay with second best. Keep it.
It is your reminder that you are an idiot. Enjoy.
24 March, 2010
When Should Amy Conceive?
I am unsure as to how some of my friends were able to correctly answer most of the questions needed to get this made. Not only is the possibility of my diary having been stolen terrifying, it is also slightly disturbing that of all the possible uses they could make of it, this is the one they chose. It also means I'm going to have to change all my passwords. Fucksalt.
To satiate their sadistic appetites, I shall place the 'ticker' they made for me on this blog so they can see it and have a laugh. I hope this is all the blackmail me with because I would probably die if my diary was broadcast to the internet (girls are so lame in their daydreams...)
So here, this will tell you the days that I am most likely to get pregnant. Right now isn't one of them.
I also don't know why it welcomes me and tells me I'm eight weeks pregnant when I click on it...
To satiate their sadistic appetites, I shall place the 'ticker' they made for me on this blog so they can see it and have a laugh. I hope this is all the blackmail me with because I would probably die if my diary was broadcast to the internet (girls are so lame in their daydreams...)
So here, this will tell you the days that I am most likely to get pregnant. Right now isn't one of them.
I also don't know why it welcomes me and tells me I'm eight weeks pregnant when I click on it...
Cindershallow and Snow Mite
How is it that we are fed the constant tales of "happily ever afters" yet we do not complain, nor do we realise it?
Take Cindershallow.
An insolent child required to help with the maintenance of her home after her mother's death reuses to accept the authority of her step-mother. When grounded and forbid from attending a party she simply ignores her step-mother's instruction. Not only does she do this, she also steals clothes and transport. Cindershallow is disobedient, a theif and a petty whore.
Cindershallow flung herself upon the most rich of the eligible bachelors at this party, flirting and being a tease. In a similarly frustrating way, the prince turns his attentions unto her in response to her embarrassingly forward actions. They retreated to a quite corner to "talk".
At midnight, in a desperate attempt to return home before she is caught, Cindershallow stumbles out of the party, leaving a shoe on the front lawn. The prince, as drunk as Cindershallow was, had not bothered to find out her name but went around showing everybody the shoe. They thought he was still off his face, quite rightly. Some rich, conceited snob was running around with a girl's shoe.
Eventually he came across Cindershallow, who couldn't remember a damn thing about the night before. She took his word for truth as he was pretty hot and lived happily ever after. Well, until she died. Or until he did. I don't know who got too old first.
Then there is Snow Mite.
This parasitic child abandoned her home after a spat with her stepmother. She broke into the house of several bachelors, imposing upon them her own standards of personal hygiene and home decor. She took up residence in their home without consultation, eating their food, using their facilities and generally taking over with the excuse that she would help with chores. Barely.
Snow Mite gets a milder punishment than she deserves after eating an apple. As we already know, apples have proven themselves to be a sin. Not only is Snow Mite an evil and manipulative dictator, she is ungodly.
Upon falling into a coma, Snow Mite is locked by the seven men in a fibreglass, bulletproof case so that she may never terrorize another person again. This doesn't work much.
Yet another prince comes by on his noble steed (much nobler than him at any rate). He attempts to take advantage of Snow Mite but is unable to defeat the fibreglass box. He has servants come down to break the box open and doctors are forced to wake Snow Mite from her coma. The seven men convince the prince to keep her which he does because she LOOKS cute. Snow Mite is last seen headed towards the palace with her prince where she fell in love with her lifestyle and lived happily ever after.
Fortunately for us single girls, the inbred beareucrats took the bratty girls and so we have the nice boys to choose from. At least we can be sure our daughters won't marry their cousins.
Take Cindershallow.
An insolent child required to help with the maintenance of her home after her mother's death reuses to accept the authority of her step-mother. When grounded and forbid from attending a party she simply ignores her step-mother's instruction. Not only does she do this, she also steals clothes and transport. Cindershallow is disobedient, a theif and a petty whore.
Cindershallow flung herself upon the most rich of the eligible bachelors at this party, flirting and being a tease. In a similarly frustrating way, the prince turns his attentions unto her in response to her embarrassingly forward actions. They retreated to a quite corner to "talk".
At midnight, in a desperate attempt to return home before she is caught, Cindershallow stumbles out of the party, leaving a shoe on the front lawn. The prince, as drunk as Cindershallow was, had not bothered to find out her name but went around showing everybody the shoe. They thought he was still off his face, quite rightly. Some rich, conceited snob was running around with a girl's shoe.
Eventually he came across Cindershallow, who couldn't remember a damn thing about the night before. She took his word for truth as he was pretty hot and lived happily ever after. Well, until she died. Or until he did. I don't know who got too old first.
Then there is Snow Mite.
This parasitic child abandoned her home after a spat with her stepmother. She broke into the house of several bachelors, imposing upon them her own standards of personal hygiene and home decor. She took up residence in their home without consultation, eating their food, using their facilities and generally taking over with the excuse that she would help with chores. Barely.
Snow Mite gets a milder punishment than she deserves after eating an apple. As we already know, apples have proven themselves to be a sin. Not only is Snow Mite an evil and manipulative dictator, she is ungodly.
Upon falling into a coma, Snow Mite is locked by the seven men in a fibreglass, bulletproof case so that she may never terrorize another person again. This doesn't work much.
Yet another prince comes by on his noble steed (much nobler than him at any rate). He attempts to take advantage of Snow Mite but is unable to defeat the fibreglass box. He has servants come down to break the box open and doctors are forced to wake Snow Mite from her coma. The seven men convince the prince to keep her which he does because she LOOKS cute. Snow Mite is last seen headed towards the palace with her prince where she fell in love with her lifestyle and lived happily ever after.
Fortunately for us single girls, the inbred beareucrats took the bratty girls and so we have the nice boys to choose from. At least we can be sure our daughters won't marry their cousins.
23 March, 2010
What do I want to get out of Literature? I want to PASS idiot.
What do you want from Literature?
1.I want to learn to analyse the style, structure and purpose of texts including sripts.
2. I want an excuse to read for days on end.
3. I want to complain with the rest of a class about a book being so hard or so boring but secretly love it to pieces and wonder why no one else agrees.
4. I want a marked up ENTER.
5. I want to go home and stay up late reading and re-reading Anabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe, trying to find out how someone saw something else in it.
Why do you want this?
1. I don't why people write things but I do like getting in their heads to find out
2. I'm obsessed. Tell me I can read and I will. Tell me I can't and I will kill you.
3. I want to fit in. GASP! I'd just like to be one of THEM for a few classes a week. It is way more fun sometimes.
4. University of Melbourne. If they don't accept me, I'll kill myself.
5. I like knowing how opinions are formulated. I also like pedantics. I will read every word and put down every single definition if I have to. I want to know how you came to a conclusion.
Where do you see yourself in the literary profession?
I don't really. I'd love to be a writer but I'd rather explore. I want to get out out into the world, find things, see people, look at dead stuff!
History rules.
Why did you choose Literature?
I decided to do Literature and English to complement each other. Most of the people in my Literature class are doing a double English too. I guess I chose Literature because I wanted to have more to do with words. I love words. Words are amazing, they fascinate me and I can't get enough of them. I wanted to drown myself in hidden meanings and inside jokes. So I chose Literature.
How do you think Literature will help you in your adult life?
I think it will help me a lot with History at university. I'll be better able to understand textbooks and speeches. I'm pretty sure this will also help me write essays and reports really well. I expect it to at least help me put things into context.
I could ask myself more questions but I'm too lazy and have lost interest in this topic...
1.I want to learn to analyse the style, structure and purpose of texts including sripts.
2. I want an excuse to read for days on end.
3. I want to complain with the rest of a class about a book being so hard or so boring but secretly love it to pieces and wonder why no one else agrees.
4. I want a marked up ENTER.
5. I want to go home and stay up late reading and re-reading Anabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe, trying to find out how someone saw something else in it.
Why do you want this?
1. I don't why people write things but I do like getting in their heads to find out
2. I'm obsessed. Tell me I can read and I will. Tell me I can't and I will kill you.
3. I want to fit in. GASP! I'd just like to be one of THEM for a few classes a week. It is way more fun sometimes.
4. University of Melbourne. If they don't accept me, I'll kill myself.
5. I like knowing how opinions are formulated. I also like pedantics. I will read every word and put down every single definition if I have to. I want to know how you came to a conclusion.
Where do you see yourself in the literary profession?
I don't really. I'd love to be a writer but I'd rather explore. I want to get out out into the world, find things, see people, look at dead stuff!
History rules.
Why did you choose Literature?
I decided to do Literature and English to complement each other. Most of the people in my Literature class are doing a double English too. I guess I chose Literature because I wanted to have more to do with words. I love words. Words are amazing, they fascinate me and I can't get enough of them. I wanted to drown myself in hidden meanings and inside jokes. So I chose Literature.
How do you think Literature will help you in your adult life?
I think it will help me a lot with History at university. I'll be better able to understand textbooks and speeches. I'm pretty sure this will also help me write essays and reports really well. I expect it to at least help me put things into context.
I could ask myself more questions but I'm too lazy and have lost interest in this topic...
21 March, 2010
Forgive Me Rowena
I never seem to be able to hold onto my characters and drag them out. I may have the opportunity to lay the blame for this on my most recent plotline, it is quite disgusting to grasp and hard to keep myself thinking of it.
I would still like to scrounge up more than those measly 15,000 words for the girlchild of my story. She deserves more after what I have put her through. At first I thought it was writer's block but then I came to realise that I was scared of my character.
Well, she came to me from my dreams, of course I was scared.
But on topic again. I forced a girl to be raped and have an evil stranger's baby. I saw her lose an almost friend in the process of adopting. I gave her a gorgeous daughter named Never to make up for the son she couldn't stand. Then I sent her to Zimbabwe.
I think I am afraid of holding on to these characters because I am being cruel. I am a morbid writer this week, hurting all my characters and making them cry. I am scared of my character, my creation and I am scared to keep her. I don't want her to haunt me. I don't want to hear myself saying I have not done justice to the trauma of this child whose life I have ruined.
Today, for the first time in my writer’s life, I am ashamed of the things I have written, the lies I have told. That is what a writer does. They tell lies for a living. I don't like my lies anymore.
I would still like to scrounge up more than those measly 15,000 words for the girlchild of my story. She deserves more after what I have put her through. At first I thought it was writer's block but then I came to realise that I was scared of my character.
Well, she came to me from my dreams, of course I was scared.
But on topic again. I forced a girl to be raped and have an evil stranger's baby. I saw her lose an almost friend in the process of adopting. I gave her a gorgeous daughter named Never to make up for the son she couldn't stand. Then I sent her to Zimbabwe.
I think I am afraid of holding on to these characters because I am being cruel. I am a morbid writer this week, hurting all my characters and making them cry. I am scared of my character, my creation and I am scared to keep her. I don't want her to haunt me. I don't want to hear myself saying I have not done justice to the trauma of this child whose life I have ruined.
Today, for the first time in my writer’s life, I am ashamed of the things I have written, the lies I have told. That is what a writer does. They tell lies for a living. I don't like my lies anymore.
For the Sister I Must Not Forget
Once Upon A Time, I left and when I came back you were gone. It wasn't because you loved me any less but rather that you loved someone else in a new way. That was an ok love and I am glad you found it but parting is a cliche: it is a sweet sorrow. I loved to see you grown up and out on your own. I was proud because you were your own person and you were doing so well at it. Now I am perhaps very sad for my infrequent visits will become near non-existent. It is not because I love you any less; it is because I love you different. This time, you have left me. I am in the family home while you are off in the world.
You don't ask after me, nor I after you but it would be nice to think that you did. I cannot though because I know you. We are family and that means I know that you don't think of me. One day, when I had left, I thought of you. I didn't have days similar to this often but I did have them. I believe you cannot have them.
To control the safety of your new life, you must reject some of your old. Like your body would with snake venom, you are rejecting your past. I am the poison of your past. I cannot even remember when I stopped being the sugar and started being the poison. There must have been a turning point, a climax where I suddenly became the bitter villain of our story and ruined the relationship.
Now all I have left is the hope that our lives shall follow the formalised structure of the tales I so often immerse myself in (perhaps that was the issue; maybe you believed I never spent enough time in the real world, here with you). I am forced to endure the physical burning of desperation, the last object of value and virtue any person may have to hold close: my hope.
My hope is strong. I beg endlessly for a dénouement, for the unravelling, the untying of our misguidedly written manuscript to come to the end of such a farcical story that few would ever believe and less would enjoy.
I have hope for our conclusion, our happy ending. But then, happy endings are just stories we have not finished yet.
You don't ask after me, nor I after you but it would be nice to think that you did. I cannot though because I know you. We are family and that means I know that you don't think of me. One day, when I had left, I thought of you. I didn't have days similar to this often but I did have them. I believe you cannot have them.
To control the safety of your new life, you must reject some of your old. Like your body would with snake venom, you are rejecting your past. I am the poison of your past. I cannot even remember when I stopped being the sugar and started being the poison. There must have been a turning point, a climax where I suddenly became the bitter villain of our story and ruined the relationship.
Now all I have left is the hope that our lives shall follow the formalised structure of the tales I so often immerse myself in (perhaps that was the issue; maybe you believed I never spent enough time in the real world, here with you). I am forced to endure the physical burning of desperation, the last object of value and virtue any person may have to hold close: my hope.
My hope is strong. I beg endlessly for a dénouement, for the unravelling, the untying of our misguidedly written manuscript to come to the end of such a farcical story that few would ever believe and less would enjoy.
I have hope for our conclusion, our happy ending. But then, happy endings are just stories we have not finished yet.
20 March, 2010
Beautiful Nightmares
Above my bed I have a post and it is an important post. It is important because it is what I wake up to after my nightmares. I read this post every night before I go to sleep. I can no longer stay awake until four am because I am too scared to sleep. I must face my nightmares now and find ways to destroy them.
I must be brave.
When I wake up and I am scared, I turn on the light and read to myself. I remind myself that it was not real, it was not real and it was not real. I keep reminding myself until I believe it. I make a note and then I go back to it the next day.
I look for what I dream of most. I ask myself : WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? Then I let it go. I know it will just come back the next night to haunt me again but I know what to do. Letting go, no matter how many times you have to do it, will save you.
Nightmares and grudges are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to deal with the pain.
Let go. You have to let go.
I must be brave.
When I wake up and I am scared, I turn on the light and read to myself. I remind myself that it was not real, it was not real and it was not real. I keep reminding myself until I believe it. I make a note and then I go back to it the next day.
I look for what I dream of most. I ask myself : WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? Then I let it go. I know it will just come back the next night to haunt me again but I know what to do. Letting go, no matter how many times you have to do it, will save you.
Nightmares and grudges are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to deal with the pain.
Let go. You have to let go.
18 March, 2010
YouTube - Eels - I need some sleep
YouTube - Eels - I need some sleep
Thought this was a little relevant to me...
I absolutely loved the clip to go with it.
Thought this was a little relevant to me...
I absolutely loved the clip to go with it.
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