Oh, he gon get it. My boyfriend just brought up the Gymnast after a mini spat about me being so close to Ben even though he clearly wants to hit that. I don't speak to the Gymnast because of what we had going on. Which was nothing. That doesn't mean we didn't want it to but irrelevant.
What is relevant is the rule. Rule is; We do not talk about him. And that's exactly who he brought up. HE BROUGHT HIM UP.
The Gymnast, the guy I'm still secretly getting over. The guy I actually made a post about earlier. The guy. THE guy. I pine, I perish.
And it's my boyfriend who says his name first. I take it out of my vocabulary, I block him on facebook, I forget he ever existed and how much he did for me and then the man I love painfully tears open my chest and puts three letters in there. That's it. Three whole letters and panic ensues.
How the hell do I say "Don't use his name, it still hurts" without letting on that saying his name hurts? Turn out "Ok, rules were we don't talk about him. You said that. So don't blame this on me." and then changing the topic really fast works.
It does hurt though. A lot. When I lost that feeling I had with Ben and Bridget and my 9s, when I left school and hid inside myself, the Gymnast pushed to still be in my life. Ben has always been the other half of me but the Gymnast...I loved him so hard it gave me constant head aches. I wanted so much to come from him.
I miss him and I still can't even say his name aloud. I've been trying but I'm scared for some reason. Absence has not made the heart fonder but something freaky is going on.
29 January, 2012
The Gymnast
I'm such a horrible liar. Especially to myself.
No matter how much I love my boyfriend the sad truth is that I was still thinking of the Gymnast over a year later. I think maybe that's why Trent hates him so much. He could sense there was something I just didn't want to let go. Which is mostly why I agreed to in the end.
Trent got so jealous it started leaking into my other guyfriend relationships and I didn't want to admit I was still hanging on to this painful hope so I conceded defeat. Now I've lost one of my best friends even though he can't hold a candle to Ben.
But that's different. I never loved Ben like I loved the Gymnast. I want to be 'just friends' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I secretly want to punch his girlfriend? I've never met her but she seems really nice and the worst par is that she actually makes the Gymnast happy.
This post makes me hate honesty.
No matter how much I love my boyfriend the sad truth is that I was still thinking of the Gymnast over a year later. I think maybe that's why Trent hates him so much. He could sense there was something I just didn't want to let go. Which is mostly why I agreed to in the end.
Trent got so jealous it started leaking into my other guyfriend relationships and I didn't want to admit I was still hanging on to this painful hope so I conceded defeat. Now I've lost one of my best friends even though he can't hold a candle to Ben.
But that's different. I never loved Ben like I loved the Gymnast. I want to be 'just friends' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I secretly want to punch his girlfriend? I've never met her but she seems really nice and the worst par is that she actually makes the Gymnast happy.
This post makes me hate honesty.
26 January, 2012
Can you get Ambulance Frequent Flyer points?
Alright boys, I'm going to share about something you don't want to know.
Well, I got myself admitted to hospital quite recently. My period was late by about six days when I started spotting. I didn't realise I was late until I started spotting and when I noticed the blood wasn't bright red, I started to panic just a little bit. Blood which is darker or even brown can be a symptom of a late period but it's also a symptom of pregnancy. So I was a little worried. And when it didn't get heavier but also didn't stop, I lost it like a fat kid outside a closed bakery. I thought it was another loss.
When the chest pains started, they were so bad I thought I had to be having a heart attack even though I'm eighteen. Then I started to feel like my chest was bottoming out every time I breathed. That was fucking freaky. It was like part of my chest was just disappearing every time I took a breath. I tried really hard to keep it under control but this was the worst panic attack I have ever had and I knew it which just made it worse.
The chest pain went away but then I started to tingle. I called myself an ambulance and waited out the front. It may have been 2am in the morning but I did it alone. I wasn't going to have my dad around for this side of me and I couldn't get hold of Trent. In the ambulance, it got worse. I was taking huge, shuddering, gasping breaths that made my legs shake. It felt like painless pins and needles on the outer halves of both hands, in my toes and when it went further I cried. I felt my face going numb and just closed my eyes. I didn't want to try anymore.
I clung to the stretcher for dear life. In the end, I looked like I was preparing to give birth rather than having the worst panic attack of my life. I was sitting up with my knees as close to my chest as possible so I could see my feet and tell myself they weren't going blue. I had my hands clutching the sides of the stretcher so damn tight that I thought my knuckles were going to burst through the skin. By the time I got to the hospital, I was breathing better but definitely not easy and my heart rate had really slowed down. That meant nothing. I was taking 28 breaths a minute (18 being the highest normal rate) and my heart rate was 114 (90 being the highest norm for someone resting for the last half hour).
They tried to put me in bed 13. I've been in bed 13 and it was unpleasant. I went to 20 instead. After the ten minutes settling me in, I still hadn't calmed down so when they came bearing a sedative in pill form I took it. I forgot to fight them on that. I hate taking tablets. They scare me half to death now I know what I can do with them.
And they came with the needles. I had blood taken and an ultrasound at about 3am. There was nothing there. More appropriate to say no one. I have never been so relieved and so upset at the same time. I went back to bed 20 and tried to sleep. I was lucky enough to get in about an hour before I was cleared to leave.
The best thing about this entire experience is that Trent came. He lives in Cranbourne and doesn't always hear his phone so he can be unreliable but he answered. I was tired and cranky and I missed him so much I didn't care that I hadn't seen him properly in over a week. He took me home and he stayed with me. He was my hero then. I needed him and he actually came through for me.
I poked him awake and tried to tell him some of what I was thinking and feeling but he was asleep again. He probably was before I even had time to open my mouth. I stopped talking and I cried a lot instead. I didn't have much chance to do that well between calling the ambulance and getting back to my bed. I didn't even care that Trent was asleep. I just rolled over and he cuddled me while I cried about everything that was hurting in those dark corners where pain hides itself. Eventually I slept.
He left a couple of hours after I got to sleep but I was ok by then. I got over the panic and the loneliness. Even as I write this, none of the pain or fear comes to mind. Now I can look at it and say it wasn't the end of the world. In the moment, it was terrifying but that was then and this is now.
Well, I got myself admitted to hospital quite recently. My period was late by about six days when I started spotting. I didn't realise I was late until I started spotting and when I noticed the blood wasn't bright red, I started to panic just a little bit. Blood which is darker or even brown can be a symptom of a late period but it's also a symptom of pregnancy. So I was a little worried. And when it didn't get heavier but also didn't stop, I lost it like a fat kid outside a closed bakery. I thought it was another loss.
When the chest pains started, they were so bad I thought I had to be having a heart attack even though I'm eighteen. Then I started to feel like my chest was bottoming out every time I breathed. That was fucking freaky. It was like part of my chest was just disappearing every time I took a breath. I tried really hard to keep it under control but this was the worst panic attack I have ever had and I knew it which just made it worse.
The chest pain went away but then I started to tingle. I called myself an ambulance and waited out the front. It may have been 2am in the morning but I did it alone. I wasn't going to have my dad around for this side of me and I couldn't get hold of Trent. In the ambulance, it got worse. I was taking huge, shuddering, gasping breaths that made my legs shake. It felt like painless pins and needles on the outer halves of both hands, in my toes and when it went further I cried. I felt my face going numb and just closed my eyes. I didn't want to try anymore.
I clung to the stretcher for dear life. In the end, I looked like I was preparing to give birth rather than having the worst panic attack of my life. I was sitting up with my knees as close to my chest as possible so I could see my feet and tell myself they weren't going blue. I had my hands clutching the sides of the stretcher so damn tight that I thought my knuckles were going to burst through the skin. By the time I got to the hospital, I was breathing better but definitely not easy and my heart rate had really slowed down. That meant nothing. I was taking 28 breaths a minute (18 being the highest normal rate) and my heart rate was 114 (90 being the highest norm for someone resting for the last half hour).
They tried to put me in bed 13. I've been in bed 13 and it was unpleasant. I went to 20 instead. After the ten minutes settling me in, I still hadn't calmed down so when they came bearing a sedative in pill form I took it. I forgot to fight them on that. I hate taking tablets. They scare me half to death now I know what I can do with them.
And they came with the needles. I had blood taken and an ultrasound at about 3am. There was nothing there. More appropriate to say no one. I have never been so relieved and so upset at the same time. I went back to bed 20 and tried to sleep. I was lucky enough to get in about an hour before I was cleared to leave.
The best thing about this entire experience is that Trent came. He lives in Cranbourne and doesn't always hear his phone so he can be unreliable but he answered. I was tired and cranky and I missed him so much I didn't care that I hadn't seen him properly in over a week. He took me home and he stayed with me. He was my hero then. I needed him and he actually came through for me.
I poked him awake and tried to tell him some of what I was thinking and feeling but he was asleep again. He probably was before I even had time to open my mouth. I stopped talking and I cried a lot instead. I didn't have much chance to do that well between calling the ambulance and getting back to my bed. I didn't even care that Trent was asleep. I just rolled over and he cuddled me while I cried about everything that was hurting in those dark corners where pain hides itself. Eventually I slept.
He left a couple of hours after I got to sleep but I was ok by then. I got over the panic and the loneliness. Even as I write this, none of the pain or fear comes to mind. Now I can look at it and say it wasn't the end of the world. In the moment, it was terrifying but that was then and this is now.
20 January, 2012
Return to Lemons
Oh Lemons, how I've missed you. I haven't had a rant in so long. I came on to make one up as I went but I stopped first to read my last post. So now I've found my rant. I read about how I felt because of my miscarriage and it hardly did a thing. I've become so immune to pain that I feel it for no one, including myself. I don't even care what those words about using Lee as a middle name could have done to Ryan. I used present tense instead of past because it's true. I do love him and so hard it hurts. But that is irrelevant and hopefully not the same kind of love I felt 5 years ago. If it is, I'm screwed. Another thing I'm pissed at is the weight gain. I get that I was really fucked up and depressed but I can't rationalise gaining 20 kilos. I WAS DOING SO DAMN WELL. Now I have this little bulge and the bitch of a thing about that is that strangers have put their hands on my tummy and congratulated me. I want to smack them in the face. Granted, when I gain weight it goes to my ass and stomach so I don't actually get the whole 'fat' thing going on. I just get this little bump which makes me look pregnant. So first I have a miscarriage and then it leads to me looking like I'm pregnant? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
So I'm laying on this fake bump of mine while I rant my ass off in the middle of the night with yoghurt. Yes. Yoghurt. A side effect of the over-eating that I'm not happy with; I can't sleep on an empty stomach. There is very little yoghurt left which means my tummy is nearing satisfaction so I'll leave now. I'll go elsewhere on the internet until I give up and have a nightmare with a crying baby who isn't there. That is for another time.
So I'm laying on this fake bump of mine while I rant my ass off in the middle of the night with yoghurt. Yes. Yoghurt. A side effect of the over-eating that I'm not happy with; I can't sleep on an empty stomach. There is very little yoghurt left which means my tummy is nearing satisfaction so I'll leave now. I'll go elsewhere on the internet until I give up and have a nightmare with a crying baby who isn't there. That is for another time.
04 October, 2011
Comfort
Aaron Lee,
I didn't put a great deal of thought into your name when I gave it to you but now it is important. I named you to make you real, to give myself a proper baby to miss. It made you one step closer to being born in my eyes. I looked up your name. Without even knowing, I gave you a name that means mountain of strength. That's what I need from you, baby boy. I need you to make me strong. I'm scared that there will be no more babies in my life because I lost you.
Mummy loves you but it's so hard on her because she does. Every time I look in the mirror, I turn sideways looking for the baby bump I never grew. You should have been born by now but instead it's coming up to the first anniversary since I lost you. I'm alone. Your daddy isn't here. No one is. I'm in the house by myself, crying to sleep because I don't have you. I'm so afraid to talk to your daddy about it because he has never brought you up in front of me. He'd barely known I was pregnant for a few days before I miscarried.
I think he loves you. Neither of us got to know you but if I love you so much from such a short time, he has to feel something. I need to hear him say it. I need to know that he cares about our baby as much as I do and that losing you changed him too. I didn't even get to have an ultrasound so he couldn't even see you. I couldn't see you either, or feel you, but I knew you were there waiting to be born. That's something he missed out on.
I gave you your middle name after an old friend of mine. I love him so hard it hurts. He is the kind of person I would want to see you grow up as. I touch my belly a lot when I think of you, even though you aren't a part of me anymore. It comforts me. I wanted to be a mother so badly and I was denied. I throw all my love into Marissa. You could have had a big sister. I just wish you had been born. I miss you so much. You were so many beautiful things to me.
I dream about holding you all the time. I'd die just to hold you once, to know who you are, to see you. I wish you were here baby boy but you aren't and I have to live with that. I love you so much.
Mummy
I didn't put a great deal of thought into your name when I gave it to you but now it is important. I named you to make you real, to give myself a proper baby to miss. It made you one step closer to being born in my eyes. I looked up your name. Without even knowing, I gave you a name that means mountain of strength. That's what I need from you, baby boy. I need you to make me strong. I'm scared that there will be no more babies in my life because I lost you.
Mummy loves you but it's so hard on her because she does. Every time I look in the mirror, I turn sideways looking for the baby bump I never grew. You should have been born by now but instead it's coming up to the first anniversary since I lost you. I'm alone. Your daddy isn't here. No one is. I'm in the house by myself, crying to sleep because I don't have you. I'm so afraid to talk to your daddy about it because he has never brought you up in front of me. He'd barely known I was pregnant for a few days before I miscarried.
I think he loves you. Neither of us got to know you but if I love you so much from such a short time, he has to feel something. I need to hear him say it. I need to know that he cares about our baby as much as I do and that losing you changed him too. I didn't even get to have an ultrasound so he couldn't even see you. I couldn't see you either, or feel you, but I knew you were there waiting to be born. That's something he missed out on.
I gave you your middle name after an old friend of mine. I love him so hard it hurts. He is the kind of person I would want to see you grow up as. I touch my belly a lot when I think of you, even though you aren't a part of me anymore. It comforts me. I wanted to be a mother so badly and I was denied. I throw all my love into Marissa. You could have had a big sister. I just wish you had been born. I miss you so much. You were so many beautiful things to me.
I dream about holding you all the time. I'd die just to hold you once, to know who you are, to see you. I wish you were here baby boy but you aren't and I have to live with that. I love you so much.
Mummy
23 May, 2011
Emma
I'm a little *sadface* because I'm not really ranting today but I like what I've been working on. What I have begun is a series of texts on 'Emma'. Emma is just the name given to one of the voices/moods/random feelings that run around and cause havoc. What Emma actually is a little difficult to decide on so I'm giving myself a few ways to express her in literature. What I have for you today is a short piece of prose. It is a dialogue from myself to Emma. It's also exactly one hundred words long so I feel that it is amazing based solely on that fact. I wrote it in word using a font called 'Parseltongue' which has an amazing effect on how this is read. Unfortunately, wordpress no likey :( So you'll just have to miss out on what I see
Emma? Emma, are you there? I’m feeling strange. What have you done? EMMA? My head is spinning and my hands are shaking. What have you done? There’s fire behind my eyes. I think I’m having a seizure. Did you poison me? I don’t feel right. There’s someone standing over me but they keep moving. I can’t focus! What the hell have you done? Emma? Why is this box empty? The box that says ‘loxalate’. Emma, what did I do? My eyes won’t stay open but my cheek hurts. I think they hit me.
Oh God. Emma, what did I do?
22 May, 2011
They see me rolling...
This is the first time I've driven twice in one week! I should be shocked, not excited. I am excited though. The last time I drove before this was September last year. SEPTEMBER. Can you believe it? I can because it happened to me.
I used to wonder if I would be able to drive with the memory of mum's accident. I'm doing just fine though and I love driving - what little I get to do. I'm even doing a long day trip on the Friday after this. I love it.
It does mean I'm stuck with my dad for a while. I don't mind too much but he is a bit arrogant and he makes me feel pressured into doing or saying things. I really need the hours though so I'll have to suck it up and be manipulative.
I enjoyed going around the industrial lot today. Now that I actually know how to do things, it's more fun to do them. Of course, I broke the law by failing to indicate or indicating too late, speeding, driving too far to the right and going through an intersection without pausing. Hey! I've only done 8 hours!
I talked a lot whilst driving which was really good for me. I felt calmer and more in control. I also swore vengeance against a lot of drivers on the freeway. They followed really close! And some of them cut me off. Assholes :)
But for the most part, it wasn't a ranting kind of driving lesson. Actually, none of it was. I did get annoyed at my dad but I always do and he was being really on edge which bugged me as the driver. It was a good lesson!
I used to wonder if I would be able to drive with the memory of mum's accident. I'm doing just fine though and I love driving - what little I get to do. I'm even doing a long day trip on the Friday after this. I love it.
It does mean I'm stuck with my dad for a while. I don't mind too much but he is a bit arrogant and he makes me feel pressured into doing or saying things. I really need the hours though so I'll have to suck it up and be manipulative.
I enjoyed going around the industrial lot today. Now that I actually know how to do things, it's more fun to do them. Of course, I broke the law by failing to indicate or indicating too late, speeding, driving too far to the right and going through an intersection without pausing. Hey! I've only done 8 hours!
I talked a lot whilst driving which was really good for me. I felt calmer and more in control. I also swore vengeance against a lot of drivers on the freeway. They followed really close! And some of them cut me off. Assholes :)
But for the most part, it wasn't a ranting kind of driving lesson. Actually, none of it was. I did get annoyed at my dad but I always do and he was being really on edge which bugged me as the driver. It was a good lesson!
21 May, 2011
Left side! Strong side! ('Remember the Titans')
I was struggling to come up with an idea for today's rant so I decided to bitch about my boyfriend and HELL-O! I struck gold. The bastard stole my side of the bed!
Although it has changed a lot over the last year, I've finally settled into sleeping on the left side of the bed and I can't be against the wall only to sleep over and have my grandeur's of a good night sleep destroyed. Trent actually MOVED me over.
Trent was out watchnig a movie and I got so tired I just gave up and went to sleep in his bed. On the left side. At three o'clock-IN THE MORNING! Not happy- he came in and wiggled me onto the other side of the bed. Now I wasn't happy about this already but what he did next was worse.
He put a movie on to help him sleep.
There is no way I can sleep with noise. My stepsister's snoring wakes me right up.
He wrapped both his arms around me which was an amazingly secure feeling but it also meant I couldn't escape his dastardly clutches without waking him up. DAMN! In the end, I was so tired from over-thinking ways to get up without waking him (how sweet, not wanting to wake him after what he did!) that I ended up getting out of bed at six-thirty to help his house mate's kids get ready to go stay at their dad's.
When Trent left for work and I went home, I decided to change my side of the bed. For the last month or so, I've been sleeping on the right side with my massive teddy in the way to stop me creeping over. It sucks. It sucks so bad. Sleeping this way doesn't feel natural! It takes ages to fall asleep, I toss and turn all night and I just really miss my side of the bed!
A few nights ago, I kicked my teddy off the bed and shuffled my way onto the left side. Left side = orgasm face. It was the best sleep ever. No moving, no lying awake and no cranky morning mood! I've even fallen asleep just sitting on the left side of my bed doing homework.
My body knows. Trent has deprived me of a most basic but necessary and important right: access to the left side of the bed!
Now to explain all this to him without looking like I've given it too much consideration...
Although it has changed a lot over the last year, I've finally settled into sleeping on the left side of the bed and I can't be against the wall only to sleep over and have my grandeur's of a good night sleep destroyed. Trent actually MOVED me over.
Trent was out watchnig a movie and I got so tired I just gave up and went to sleep in his bed. On the left side. At three o'clock-IN THE MORNING! Not happy- he came in and wiggled me onto the other side of the bed. Now I wasn't happy about this already but what he did next was worse.
He put a movie on to help him sleep.
There is no way I can sleep with noise. My stepsister's snoring wakes me right up.
He wrapped both his arms around me which was an amazingly secure feeling but it also meant I couldn't escape his dastardly clutches without waking him up. DAMN! In the end, I was so tired from over-thinking ways to get up without waking him (how sweet, not wanting to wake him after what he did!) that I ended up getting out of bed at six-thirty to help his house mate's kids get ready to go stay at their dad's.
When Trent left for work and I went home, I decided to change my side of the bed. For the last month or so, I've been sleeping on the right side with my massive teddy in the way to stop me creeping over. It sucks. It sucks so bad. Sleeping this way doesn't feel natural! It takes ages to fall asleep, I toss and turn all night and I just really miss my side of the bed!
A few nights ago, I kicked my teddy off the bed and shuffled my way onto the left side. Left side = orgasm face. It was the best sleep ever. No moving, no lying awake and no cranky morning mood! I've even fallen asleep just sitting on the left side of my bed doing homework.
My body knows. Trent has deprived me of a most basic but necessary and important right: access to the left side of the bed!
Now to explain all this to him without looking like I've given it too much consideration...
20 May, 2011
Let's remake the Bonds' ads.
I'm here to say there is absolutely NO WAY I will ever wear Bonds underwear. My bum is never going to look as good as the girls in the ads and I've certainly never had a food fight in my knickers! I've also never skated past strangers when almost starkers.
I will admit that I do like the thought of girls being comfortable enough with their bodies to dance around in their undies but come on! Bonds ads are almost certainly made by the same guys who think girls have pillow fights at sleep overs.
No girl jumps into a choreographed underwear dance, especially not in their gym. And what's with the corset? I don't know anyone who wears Bonds AND a corset!
Let's face it, Bonds have no idea what they're doing. Sure, they make comfy undies but what the hell are they doing with their advertising?
I would never leave my house any less than fully dressed but in the land of Bonds, it's ok to run around the forest with the necessities only barely covered. Wouldn't those girls freeze?
And don't get me started on all the jumping and jiggling. If I tried to dance in a Bonds ad, all my wobbly bits would wiggle right out!
All I want is for Bonds to go back to the good old days of Pat Rafter, where the ads got a giggle and made sense.
But hey, at least Bonds have got the 'comfy undies' angle to work with.
I will admit that I do like the thought of girls being comfortable enough with their bodies to dance around in their undies but come on! Bonds ads are almost certainly made by the same guys who think girls have pillow fights at sleep overs.
No girl jumps into a choreographed underwear dance, especially not in their gym. And what's with the corset? I don't know anyone who wears Bonds AND a corset!
Let's face it, Bonds have no idea what they're doing. Sure, they make comfy undies but what the hell are they doing with their advertising?
I would never leave my house any less than fully dressed but in the land of Bonds, it's ok to run around the forest with the necessities only barely covered. Wouldn't those girls freeze?
And don't get me started on all the jumping and jiggling. If I tried to dance in a Bonds ad, all my wobbly bits would wiggle right out!
All I want is for Bonds to go back to the good old days of Pat Rafter, where the ads got a giggle and made sense.
But hey, at least Bonds have got the 'comfy undies' angle to work with.
19 May, 2011
Rambling.
They honestly don't care if you're a pretty face because no one ever remembers you the morning after. I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't but I do. I can't stop thinking of it. For just a second, I knew that someone thought I was beautiful. Then I kick myself and consider the razor blades. I was weak. I love to dance. He was charming. I'm a sucker for guys who speak Italian. He was a gentleman. I don't think I've ever so much as seen a guy kiss a girl's hand. Of course I told him off and warned him and did all the right things someone who has a boyfriend is supposed to do. But I was weak and I won't forget that. I cried and I hate that because tears are emotional blackmail. The way that he says 'I knew something would happen' makes me want to hurt him. Not because he's right but because I feel like he won't trust anyone with me. That's the same as not trusting me with anyone. I hate that I care so much about what happened. I hate that I was manipulative about how I told him. I hate that I'm guilty because I DID do something wrong. I just want to give up on myself. I don't feel as though I deserve any better.
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