Comfort

Aaron Lee,
I didn't put a great deal of thought into your name when I gave it to you but now it is important. I named you to make you real, to give myself a proper baby to miss. It made you one step closer to being born in my eyes. I looked up your name. Without even knowing, I gave you a name that means mountain of strength. That's what I need from you, baby boy. I need you to make me strong. I'm scared that there will be no more babies in my life because I lost you.
Mummy loves you but it's so hard on her because she does. Every time I look in the mirror, I turn sideways looking for the baby bump I never grew. You should have been born by now but instead it's coming up to the first anniversary since I lost you. I'm alone. Your daddy isn't here. No one is. I'm in the house by myself, crying to sleep because I don't have you. I'm so afraid to talk to your daddy about it because he has never brought you up in front of me. He'd barely known I was pregnant for a few days before I miscarried.
I think he loves you. Neither of us got to know you but if I love you so much from such a short time, he has to feel something. I need to hear him say it. I need to know that he cares about our baby as much as I do and that losing you changed him too. I didn't even get to have an ultrasound so he couldn't even see you. I couldn't see you either, or feel you, but I knew you were there waiting to be born. That's something he missed out on.
I gave you your middle name after an old friend of mine. I love him so hard it hurts. He is the kind of person I would want to see you grow up as. I touch my belly a lot when I think of you, even though you aren't a part of me anymore. It comforts me. I wanted to be a mother so badly and I was denied. I throw all my love into Marissa. You could have had a big sister. I just wish you had been born. I miss you so much. You were so many beautiful things to me.
I dream about holding you all the time. I'd die just to hold you once, to know who you are, to see you. I wish you were here baby boy but you aren't and I have to live with that. I love you so much.
Mummy