The Gymnast. Again.

Oh, he gon get it. My boyfriend just brought up the Gymnast after a mini spat about me being so close to Ben even though he clearly wants to hit that. I don't speak to the Gymnast because of what we had going on. Which was nothing. That doesn't mean we didn't want it to but irrelevant.
What is relevant is the rule. Rule is; We do not talk about him. And that's exactly who he brought up. HE BROUGHT HIM UP.
The Gymnast, the guy I'm still secretly getting over. The guy I actually made a post about earlier. The guy. THE guy. I pine, I perish.
And it's my boyfriend who says his name first. I take it out of my vocabulary, I block him on facebook, I forget he ever existed and how much he did for me and then the man I love painfully tears open my chest and puts three letters in there. That's it. Three whole letters and panic ensues.
How the hell do I say "Don't use his name, it still hurts" without letting on that saying his name hurts? Turn out "Ok, rules were we don't talk about him. You said that. So don't blame this on me." and then changing the topic really fast works.
It does hurt though. A lot. When I lost that feeling I had with Ben and Bridget and my 9s, when I left school and hid inside myself, the Gymnast pushed to still be in my life. Ben has always been the other half of me but the Gymnast...I loved him so hard it gave me constant head aches. I wanted so much to come from him.
I miss him and I still can't even say his name aloud. I've been trying but I'm scared for some reason. Absence has not made the heart fonder but something freaky is going on.