That time of year

I'm struggling with exam stress. I have tried so many things, so many, many things to overcome it and still I haven't. I don't think it's just exam stress though. My life is gaining on me and it is brutal. I've tried meditation and massage and yoga and even half a cigarette but that left a gross taste in my mouth so I think that's on the 'no' list too now. So far, the only thing that has helped even temporarily is sex with the father of the child I lost and we are not together any more. This doesn't feel like 'me'. That's not the kind of person I thought I was and yet, I need to lie down with someone who is willing to kiss my forehead and play with my hair. This is likely to be something I abuse until my exams are over but not after. So what does that even make me? I'm sticking to someone I know is clean and won't pass anything on to me, someone who loves me and I know. He has seen me naked. He has seen my useless stretch marks. He is a warm body willing to hold onto me. I do feel remorse and I am uncomfortable and if there is another time, chances are I will become the kind of person who leaves once he is asleep but it is working at present for me. I don't FEEL any more. I am not afraid of car accidents. I don't worry that I will never have children or I will be unloved. When I think I feel, I am really just remembering the things I am supposed to be occupied with and then listing them. I dream in Greek and consider driving off a hill. I picked one with a view and although I'm inclined to worry due to its proximity to my house, I don't. I just don't feel.