Fidelity

It’s been one of those lazy days, where it’s too lazy to actually do anything. So lazy that I don’t even want to play solitaire instead of working. It’s naptime lazy, mostly because of the warmth and sporadic sunshine but also because I went to bed so late. Shark week is approaching and I’m experiencing some severe tenderness in more than one area. I hate the pain but I’m not going to take birth control pills just to alleviate cramps. It’s not like it’s unsafe for me to take them, I just get paranoid sometimes that just about everything I do puts me at risk. I just don’t want the option of being a mother taken away from me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually decide for it to happen because it’s a terrifying thought depending on how my day is going but I at least want to be able to make the decision for myself. I’ve been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately because an old friend reminded me of how amazing she is. There’s one song I tend to skip before I listen through and to be honest, I can’t figure out why. It has my words in it. Hearing all of these voices and words and music and it’s breaking your heart? That is my feels! I found it, with words and a piano in the background. Anyway, this song is my feels because there is a lot of confusion in my head lately. See, I always felt pro-life because a little life is not a little loss and how could anyone do that to precious life? Until someone I actually hated cried and told me they had an abortion and I held their hand and told them about losing Aaron. She said thank you. I was appreciated because I forgave her, not just for hurting me but for hurting her baby. I have felt like my blood has been forced out drop by drop because of the internal agony of miscarriage and here is a young woman who volunteered herself to the pain and I want to bear all of it for her because I know the pain, the guilt and the loss. So I am confused about where my head is supposed to be but I know there are wildflowers and paintings and goose eggs and piano notes in the scone-scented air. It hurts so much and so unexplainedly (?) that I am so mad I could punch a goat. But apologise because the goat did nothing.