*Jaw's Theme*

I'm going through some feels today and I've got to admit, they're pretty unpleasant. Just to be extra, super sure there is no growing fetus and since I'm due for an ultrasound anyway (October and April I have them) I went in for one this morning. I've done a couple home tests, both negatives so I wasn't expecting anything unusual but even when you are deliberately not getting your hopes up, you get your hopes up a little. One thing that makes me mad at people is they keep putting a timeline on my grief. I don't have to stop feeling sad if I don't feel ready to. The part that breaks me most though is people don't see me as a mother because I never held what they would consider a valid baby. My baby died at 7 gestational weeks. He was about the size of my fingernail with no easily discernible features. For the rest of the world, he was not recognisable and therefore not recognised. Well FUCK YOU. He matters to me. I am a mother, I had a child in the womb. No, it wasn't for long but I wanted things for him in the short time I knew he was there. He could have been gay or a doctor or a serial killer or an artist living in Korea and I would never have loved him any less. So I took to madly dancing and enjoying myself in my pj pants sans top listening to Fidelity. And it just made me sad when I stopped. Happiness is temporary and it's hurting me. I want some comfort or some company but I know it will only work until it is over. And I'm finally starting to hurt over my break-up and shark week arrived and my nipples ache and I don't want to get out of bed.