No thank you, no thank you, no thank you, no thank you

It's a scary thought, especially because I've been drinking with friends recently. I have had two failed pregnancies and now shark week is late by five days :'( I'm not going to take a test just yet. I want to do everything possible to avoid considering it even remotely possible and getting my hopes up. I am scared as all hell. I do not do this well, for the first year after my miscarriage ever single late period even if only for a day was filled with fear, hope and disappointment. After the second, only a week 'late' I switched that off and just told myself that eventually, it would come. And for a while, it worked. I would simply tell Trent I was late by a day or two and having him know was enough. I didn't want to feel any of it. I could never tell you if I wanted a positive or negative right now. If I say I want positive, that will make me a single mum. If I say I want negative I will possibly be lying because this could be one of few shots at parenthood. I'm still unsure of how my system is functioning. Weight gain. Excessive tiredness. Aching nipples. Uterine pains. All early symptoms of pregnancy and all explainable. I've been eating to please myself lately. I have very low iron levels. The last two can be period related. I am scared, so so scared and I've got Chemo Limo stuck in my head. 'And my Barbara...She looks just like my mum.' I'm trying to consider my options without considering my options. Every dad should have the option to be in his baby's life, whether it's every other weekend or as much as possible. I would want my ex to be in his child's life but not in mine. That's difficult. I know he would ask for us to try for the baby's sake, if there even is one but I don't want to. I always assumed I would but no. I wouldn't put myself through that. And this is just amazing timing because I've only just stopped being oblivious to a guy at work flirting with me and damn it all, he is attractive! And sweet! He picks on my dimples and messes with me when we work together. How did I not notice this ages ago? I mean, he actually goes out of his way to make sure I know he's around when I'm at work and it went completely over my head. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid. Very hard. I'm not ready for my body to emotionally fuck with my head but it does. It's not very fair.