OI, LURKERS

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Let's not keep a dead dog.

It started out as a series of questions, each one further depreciating the self but to be honest, it was never really about the faults she carried. It was mean of her but she began to laugh.

I found God...

I'm mad. I thought that finally, I had my friend back and that he would be there. We stayed up past 3am just talking to be each other, spending time enjoying the company of another person and I gave him so much time. I listened while he vented and tried to be helpful until I became too worn down. And do you know what he promised me? That he would be there when it as my turn. I laughed it off and told him it doesn't do to dwell. Some of the things I feel are not pretty, are not for dragging out into the daylight. And then I changed my mind. It's worth feeling the pain to know that someone knows and can care about how hurt you are. So I slowly let on that maybe I was ready to talk. And he wasn't there. So it began to get worse. Even when I told him straight up that I needed him and I needed his support, he wasn't there. I was so happy to have my friend back because it is unbelievable just how much I had missed him without realising. Now it has turned sour. Where were you when I needed you? Why didn't you listen when I told you I needed the help? We went in circles, telling the same tales about your aches and I went deeper and deeper into the dark place because if no one listened then I was supposed to have you. Only I didn't have you so where was I supposed to go from there? Why did you lie to me?

Real friends judge you more on that cigarette

I was pretty sure I was getting booty called at 11.45 last night but no. My ex-boyfriend had the intent of sleeping with me. You know, sleep. His chest against my back and both arms around me. This is not how it works. He lost. He treated me like a game and acted like a player and I won. And I can keep winning if I want because I still have yet to tell him that I actually dated the guy teaching me piano who he hated for being intellectual. And that I love him best. Sully, I love you best. I love Sam longest and I love Trent hardest. When I tell people that to cope with stress, two techniques included are half a cigarette and casual sex with the person whom I conceived my child by I judge just as I am judged. I prefer the friends who judge me on the cigarette. The people who call me unhealthy for my casual relationship are the emotional blackmailers and they have no place if they judge. I don't care. I can hardly feel any more so why should I care? I do not agree that this is unhealthy and I don't think this makes me a slut. I understand that I called it quits but that never meant I stopped loving my partner. He forfeited the right to sunshine and now he gets what he is given, not what he asks for. Last night I participated in a presentation for SANDS as a keynote speaker. I asked that more effort should be made to train persons my age to support persons my age because I felt judged by my loss because of my age. My son was still my son, is still my son. I am just as much a mother as someone in their twenties, thirties, forties but I was not treated this way. People judged me for my pregnancy and then tried to justify my loss. I prefer comfort. So I'll not take it any more. Since leaving the man I have loved for two years, we have had three one night stands and even as I share this with the internet, it is none of your business. It is not your place.

That time of year

I'm struggling with exam stress. I have tried so many things, so many, many things to overcome it and still I haven't. I don't think it's just exam stress though. My life is gaining on me and it is brutal. I've tried meditation and massage and yoga and even half a cigarette but that left a gross taste in my mouth so I think that's on the 'no' list too now. So far, the only thing that has helped even temporarily is sex with the father of the child I lost and we are not together any more. This doesn't feel like 'me'. That's not the kind of person I thought I was and yet, I need to lie down with someone who is willing to kiss my forehead and play with my hair. This is likely to be something I abuse until my exams are over but not after. So what does that even make me? I'm sticking to someone I know is clean and won't pass anything on to me, someone who loves me and I know. He has seen me naked. He has seen my useless stretch marks. He is a warm body willing to hold onto me. I do feel remorse and I am uncomfortable and if there is another time, chances are I will become the kind of person who leaves once he is asleep but it is working at present for me. I don't FEEL any more. I am not afraid of car accidents. I don't worry that I will never have children or I will be unloved. When I think I feel, I am really just remembering the things I am supposed to be occupied with and then listing them. I dream in Greek and consider driving off a hill. I picked one with a view and although I'm inclined to worry due to its proximity to my house, I don't. I just don't feel.

Are you Reddy?

Some people and their timing just make my head want to explode. I've had a head ache the last for days which probably doesn't help but for the most part, I'm just going to blame people. Like Trent. I left him over two weeks ago and I'm starting to feel the sadness instead of the freedom and after not talking to me the entire time, even after I mentioned shark week being late he still has the nerve to fuck with my feels. Half an hour into my shift at work last night, he texts saying he misses me. Yeah, well he should have though of that when he stopped treating me like a fucking princess. I am a modern goddess and the second he stopped worshipping me for everything I have to offer, he put himself in the position to lose me. It took longer than it should have. I have to be a big girl no and tell him to fuck off and never speak to me only I know I would hate to say that. I want him in my life, so badly but he doesn't deserve it. If he so much as wants to stay friends, he is going to have to work himself halfway dead to earn it. I deserve adoration and unconditional love. I am entitled to such more than he has offered. I am and I will keep telling myself that because I'm not believing it. I HAVE MANY ADMIRABLE QUALITIES SUCH AS MY FREE SPIRIT, IMPRESSIVE INTELLECT AND ENJOYMENT OF LITERATURE. I also have boobs. Guys love boobs. Moving on. I've just started to allow myself to flirt and realise other guys actually exist and he comes in with three little words and a sad sideways smiley and just flips shit upside down. There is a sweet guy at work, the kind who says nice things to his mum. And there's a fun guy who tells the worst jokes because he knows how bad they are. And there's the guy with the awesome tattoo who picks on me and calls me out on my dimples. The one who makes an effort to see me before he leaves when we have shifts together. The one who listened to a whole bunch of Regina Spektor songs so he'd be able to understand the secret girl code I've got going with Oriana. And also because I told him about Chemo Limo and he wanted to know why I liked it. I'm attractive and people notice me. I hadn't really noticed them noticing but it happens and I never saw because I felt like I wasn't worth it. WELL I AM. And now that I'm starting to feel my insecurity and anxiety again, when I am vulnerable and nearing weaknesses, Trent tells me I'm missed. What is he hoping for? I'm not allowing a miracle. He's not being instantly forgiven. Relationships are meant to make you happy, at least most of the time if not all. They are not meant to make you sad and insecure and doubtful of the other person. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I don't trust him when it comes to a lot of things actually. He is going to have to work on so many levels just to get me to talk with him. And the first thing I'm going to ask for? The things I left at his place.

*Jaw's Theme*

I'm going through some feels today and I've got to admit, they're pretty unpleasant. Just to be extra, super sure there is no growing fetus and since I'm due for an ultrasound anyway (October and April I have them) I went in for one this morning. I've done a couple home tests, both negatives so I wasn't expecting anything unusual but even when you are deliberately not getting your hopes up, you get your hopes up a little. One thing that makes me mad at people is they keep putting a timeline on my grief. I don't have to stop feeling sad if I don't feel ready to. The part that breaks me most though is people don't see me as a mother because I never held what they would consider a valid baby. My baby died at 7 gestational weeks. He was about the size of my fingernail with no easily discernible features. For the rest of the world, he was not recognisable and therefore not recognised. Well FUCK YOU. He matters to me. I am a mother, I had a child in the womb. No, it wasn't for long but I wanted things for him in the short time I knew he was there. He could have been gay or a doctor or a serial killer or an artist living in Korea and I would never have loved him any less. So I took to madly dancing and enjoying myself in my pj pants sans top listening to Fidelity. And it just made me sad when I stopped. Happiness is temporary and it's hurting me. I want some comfort or some company but I know it will only work until it is over. And I'm finally starting to hurt over my break-up and shark week arrived and my nipples ache and I don't want to get out of bed.

No thank you, no thank you, no thank you, no thank you

It's a scary thought, especially because I've been drinking with friends recently. I have had two failed pregnancies and now shark week is late by five days :'( I'm not going to take a test just yet. I want to do everything possible to avoid considering it even remotely possible and getting my hopes up. I am scared as all hell. I do not do this well, for the first year after my miscarriage ever single late period even if only for a day was filled with fear, hope and disappointment. After the second, only a week 'late' I switched that off and just told myself that eventually, it would come. And for a while, it worked. I would simply tell Trent I was late by a day or two and having him know was enough. I didn't want to feel any of it. I could never tell you if I wanted a positive or negative right now. If I say I want positive, that will make me a single mum. If I say I want negative I will possibly be lying because this could be one of few shots at parenthood. I'm still unsure of how my system is functioning. Weight gain. Excessive tiredness. Aching nipples. Uterine pains. All early symptoms of pregnancy and all explainable. I've been eating to please myself lately. I have very low iron levels. The last two can be period related. I am scared, so so scared and I've got Chemo Limo stuck in my head. 'And my Barbara...She looks just like my mum.' I'm trying to consider my options without considering my options. Every dad should have the option to be in his baby's life, whether it's every other weekend or as much as possible. I would want my ex to be in his child's life but not in mine. That's difficult. I know he would ask for us to try for the baby's sake, if there even is one but I don't want to. I always assumed I would but no. I wouldn't put myself through that. And this is just amazing timing because I've only just stopped being oblivious to a guy at work flirting with me and damn it all, he is attractive! And sweet! He picks on my dimples and messes with me when we work together. How did I not notice this ages ago? I mean, he actually goes out of his way to make sure I know he's around when I'm at work and it went completely over my head. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid. Very hard. I'm not ready for my body to emotionally fuck with my head but it does. It's not very fair.

Fidelity

It’s been one of those lazy days, where it’s too lazy to actually do anything. So lazy that I don’t even want to play solitaire instead of working. It’s naptime lazy, mostly because of the warmth and sporadic sunshine but also because I went to bed so late. Shark week is approaching and I’m experiencing some severe tenderness in more than one area. I hate the pain but I’m not going to take birth control pills just to alleviate cramps. It’s not like it’s unsafe for me to take them, I just get paranoid sometimes that just about everything I do puts me at risk. I just don’t want the option of being a mother taken away from me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually decide for it to happen because it’s a terrifying thought depending on how my day is going but I at least want to be able to make the decision for myself. I’ve been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately because an old friend reminded me of how amazing she is. There’s one song I tend to skip before I listen through and to be honest, I can’t figure out why. It has my words in it. Hearing all of these voices and words and music and it’s breaking your heart? That is my feels! I found it, with words and a piano in the background. Anyway, this song is my feels because there is a lot of confusion in my head lately. See, I always felt pro-life because a little life is not a little loss and how could anyone do that to precious life? Until someone I actually hated cried and told me they had an abortion and I held their hand and told them about losing Aaron. She said thank you. I was appreciated because I forgave her, not just for hurting me but for hurting her baby. I have felt like my blood has been forced out drop by drop because of the internal agony of miscarriage and here is a young woman who volunteered herself to the pain and I want to bear all of it for her because I know the pain, the guilt and the loss. So I am confused about where my head is supposed to be but I know there are wildflowers and paintings and goose eggs and piano notes in the scone-scented air. It hurts so much and so unexplainedly (?) that I am so mad I could punch a goat. But apologise because the goat did nothing.

For the Man

People who don't have to or choose not to work downright PISS ME OFF. There's a Lebanese kid in my History class who, in the first week of yr 12 together old me he was not going to get a part time job until he graduated university because his parents would pay for his studies and he didn't want to jeopardise his grades. Well guess the fuck what? His grades are slipping without a job anyway because he doesn't have to work for anything. He just expects to get it. I work 20 or more hours a week, I'm a full-time high school student and I'm independent so I wash my own damn laundry. It makes me so mad that, yes I chose to accept 20+ hours of work a week but I make that choice based on the bills I have to pay. True, I was given a car for my 18th but not the money for rego or for petrol or maintenance. So that I can take pretty much every other day off during exams and still have money for rent, groceries, petrol and car repairs, I worked nearly 70 hours in 16 days. I did not get a two week break, I got the chance to own every other "holiday" I've had and completely ruin my body. So quit your sooking about a part-time job, money is money. Money gives people choices and I get angry because although I've got the money, I have to work for it and working in itself limits my choices. I can't drink on weekends, I gotta stay up until 6.30am when my shift finishes and then I get a couple hours sleep before I have to do homework then start the next 10pm-6.30. People who say they will eventually get around to working (yeah, I'm looking right at you) because they don't really need the money also can go suck a lemon. Yes you do, you need the money and the responsibility and the life experience of taking care of your own life. Who is going to pay for the plane ticket to France? Why do I think it won't be you? Some times the 'best' argument presented is that work is hard and they're just not sociable enough people to do well. They'd just get fired, right? Well guess what dickhead, I am a sociophobe. I am afraid of PEOPLE. Today I nearly hit one of the guys who works with me in the face because he grabbed something near my leg and I like him and I panicked and yet I still choose to have my job at Maccas. You know why? Because it's not beneath me or anyone else to be earning nearly 17.50 an hour. Money is money and even when you're scared, the bills have got to be paid and you have got to find a way to pay for uni instead of living off Daddy's credit card. So blow your paycheck on tequila and bite down on those lemons.