My Most Sincere Apologies (Letters II)

Dear Ryan,
I’m sorry that I wasn’t very intelligent when we were younger. There’s being smart and then there’s intelligent. I caused a lot of pain and it was entirely unnecessary. I even had someone to talk to but I still did horrible things to myself. That wasn’t your fault and I didn’t do it because of you. I’m just sorry that I made it your problem.
I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about a lot of things that were going on in my head. I’m sorry I kept sending you other people’s texts. Here’s a tip: if your Samsung slide phone has predictive text in the contacts list, don’t use it. The amount of ‘Rya’ numbers in my phone was ridiculous. I’m kind of glad it ended up in the pool.
I’m sorry that I’ve stunted your ability to find someone else. I’m sorry that that has to be part of The Plan. I’m sorry there’s a plan in the first place. I feel like a bitch and like I’ll never have said sorry enough no matter how many times I say it. I’m sorry that part of The Plan is setting you up with someone I’ve never met.
I’m sorry that I wish you are ‘carefree and swirly’ because it gets stuck in my head at random times and I’d rather not think about it. It is not that I don’t care, just that I don’t need the distraction. It’s screwing with my head and my algebra is failing due to it.
I’m sorry that I’m insecure and would rather talk to you about than anyone else. Even worse, I’m sorry that I don’t. I’m sorry that I don’t feel like I’m a part of your life and that I shouldn’t be anyway. I think of myself as a burden and that is wrong. I am not a problem and I am certainly not a problem to someone. It hasn’t stopped me from preventing myself from talking to you though. I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I’m a flawed person and you haven’t asked to be a part of that. I am human and that is what makes me flawed but there is nothing wrong with that part of me.
I’m sorry you used to have to put up with some disturbingly wild mood swings. I was pretty much borderline bipolar a few years ago. Actually, I was probably not. It just felt like it. Anyway, I’m sorry. That was definitely no fun to put up with and yet you did. Thank you for putting up with me. I was and still am reasonably insane. You coped very well with that.
I’m sorry that I had a few awesome years when you were around. I’ve been left with inside jokes about ‘The Parliament’ and eyebrows that only Muffin (or Maddog as we knew her then) has ever understood. Although Cody does seem to enjoy mocking the eyebrow thing... I’m sorry that those years were so great because it means that I miss you heaps now so I can only imagine what your other friends are going through. Except Clinky and Mykaelah. If they cared, they’d make the effort. If the make the effort, feel loved.
I’m sorry for no reason. I’m just sorry. I’m so used to being sorry that I’m sorry anyway on top of my justified sorriness. I’m over it.
I’m sorry that I kept you up for hours so that we could chat on MSN. I’m sorry that I wasted your time because you should have been working or sleeping. Or showering. I just liked knowing that there was someone that I could reach at pretty much any time so I never felt alone. I never used to feel alone but I do now and I’m sorry that I used you to try and fix it.
You were a great friend and I love you. It’s like my whole ‘favourite toe’ speech but worse. I wish you were here and that we were friends like we used to be.
You know too much.
Terreur (coz she’s the only way I can face you now.)