Dresses (Letters I)

Dear Mum,
My release is writing and I suppose that I have chosen you as my recipient to try and ease the pain I am in.
I’m a girl still. I think like an adult and I have some very adult problems to deal with but I’m still your little Monkey and I’m still a daddy’s girl. No matter how much he hurts me and makes me hate myself, he is the only person who has never made me feel useless. I painted a room today. He told me I’d have to stop if I stuffed it up but I didn’t and I knew I wouldn’t.
It’s because I run around in girl’s clothes. I own an amount of simple dresses that I would have thought ridiculous as a child. I even like them. There’s something about the movement that makes me feel carefree and swirly. Dresses make everything uncomplicated. They make me exactly who I am supposed to be.
I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who liked ‘teacake’ dresses. Do you remember that? All those fluffy and floaty dresses that have a never ending train of tulle and are doused in lace? I’m actually wearing one of those now. I appreciate the way it makes me look. I feel beautiful so I am. I feel like the woman you will never see me grow into.
Whenever I think about all the dresses you’ll never see me wear, it physically hurts. You never saw me at Graduation or in my high school uniform and you never will. You missed out on the dress that I never wore to your husband’s second wedding. You won’t see my formal dress or my Debutante dress, even though I’m leaving that for next year so Ben can take me.
God, you’ll never meet Ben. He is the most gorgeous and pain-numbing person I have ever been fortunate enough to meet. He is odd and persecuted but we have the real love of the two halves of a soul, each finding themselves in the eyes of the other. I love him so much and I will never forget how he has been my greatest friend.
My wedding dress will be yours but you will never see me wear it. You’ll never watch as I walk towards the person I will promise my life to. When I wear a hospital gown for the first time to bring your grandchild into the world, you will never see it. Every dress that I have worn since you left, you have never seen and never will.
I would give almost anything for you to be here, to see how gorgeous I am right now so I can stop trying to make up for what you miss. I would give you everything that I am to see me in this dress. It means so much to me that you will never know that I have become a woman-child waiting for a Prince Charming or someone to take me away to your home so that you will no longer miss out on who I am and the dresses I will be wearing.

It hurts to love you
Amy.