Why Would You Want To?

There are days where you stop caring about anything and then nothing can hurt you. You feel like life is just one massive bottle of Prozac. You get up at seven o’clock every morning from routine and got to bed at two in the afternoon because there is no point to being awake. What have you got to do? Who have you got to see?
Then there are days when you are crazy. You wake up to mundane conversations you’ve never heard from six other people. It’s all in your head. It always is. Nothing works for you any more so it is on these days that your schemes begin. You’re lucky for it.
On these days you go see your social worker and cry for three hours. You wind up on your stepsister’s couch. You can’t go back, you won’t go back. Now you don’t have to. Three nights you spend in a motel. Three nights in a place five towns over. They were some of the best nights in your life. You slept early for most people but late for you. It was not quiet, just empty.
That was all you needed. You needed to be somewhere as empty as you felt. You aren’t empty though. You had nothing for nine days and now you have everything. You will have to work for it but it is worth working for. It is yours. No one can take this away from you. This will always be here.
You no longer have to live with the constant and irrational fear of mistakes. This is your home. If you are patient, the fear will fade entirely. Now you know things. People can tell you what they hide from you and it no longer changes your opinion. They say things will be better if you give it time. Well, it’s better now so you’re going to hold on to what you have.
So as you walk through the grass feeling your feet go numb you think about yourself. You’ve left your parent’s house and live with a stranger you like. You have a job and friends. You are no longer dependent on the people who have destroyed your life. Today the rain poured down on you but you didn’t care. You woke up alright. On a day like today, the whole world can change and you know everything will be fine.
Today you don’t want to die. Today you don’t want to sleep through your life. Today you are enjoying the best years of suffering you will ever experience.