Nothing is Everywhere.

So I might as well say it.
Ben, I told you so.

Reader/s, do you understand? No. I had sex. Ben thinks I'll regret it. I don't. I care about my boyfriend. I'm happy and I trust him not to hurt me.

So I don't care what I'm going through. Yeah, I ache in unimaginable ways but I can cope. I always was the strong one, even when I broke down.

I can abandon my family. I won't but I can.
I can move out and be at home alone. I went from living with 12 people to just being by myself. I can handle it. I am strong.
I can walk to a cemetery in the dark and visit the mother I lost, staying out all night if I need to.
I can forgot how men have hurt me, how they have made me ashamed of myself, how I do not trust and am always cautious. I can give up and give in.

Naturally, I still have a gaping hole of nothing in my chest but that doesn't matter. It is nothing. Just nothing. I don't expect it to go away. I am accustomed to the presence. I am deliriously happy. I don't care.