Nothing is Everywhere.

So I might as well say it.
Ben, I told you so.

Reader/s, do you understand? No. I had sex. Ben thinks I'll regret it. I don't. I care about my boyfriend. I'm happy and I trust him not to hurt me.

So I don't care what I'm going through. Yeah, I ache in unimaginable ways but I can cope. I always was the strong one, even when I broke down.

I can abandon my family. I won't but I can.
I can move out and be at home alone. I went from living with 12 people to just being by myself. I can handle it. I am strong.
I can walk to a cemetery in the dark and visit the mother I lost, staying out all night if I need to.
I can forgot how men have hurt me, how they have made me ashamed of myself, how I do not trust and am always cautious. I can give up and give in.

Naturally, I still have a gaping hole of nothing in my chest but that doesn't matter. It is nothing. Just nothing. I don't expect it to go away. I am accustomed to the presence. I am deliriously happy. I don't care.

Holes Like Swiss Cheese

With blind eyes I see you
As I prepare to ease you on your way
I wish that you would see me
Without the eyes of friends
For I know and I feel you
With an ache and a burning pain
Instead I console you
I am someone else
I am jealous and broken
Sitting by your side
I miss you

Shh Mahny!

17 year old girls sits in room watching movies on laptop. She is wearing her underwear and a miniskirt whilst eating cookies and drinking milk. It's a bit early for that.
Haven't we been here before?
14 year old girl sits in corner of room watching all 10 seasons of SG1. She is wearing her bikini and a jacket whilst eat cream cheese and drinking. It's a bit late for her.
Oh, hell yeah. It's year 8 all over again. Except this time I don't have to jump the fence to go out. I get to leave when I want. Oh wait, I did. HOW DO YOU FUCKING LIKE ME NOW?
Everything was better and simultaneously much worse in Yr 8.
Swirl...

Effort Lines

1. A red line appears
Red, politically correct otherwise
But still wrong
Welcomed but unwelcomed
By me and by you
Like a spell check
But this smarts
It stings like words
It hurts even
My little effort line
Upon no page
2. Now upon the arm

Tonight Will Be The Night

These are the days when you want out. The world is against you, making you feel useless. Unloved. Your mood crashes and rises until you prepare to give in and vomit your life into your hands. You hate how you feel, you hate everything. You want the medication, the magic pill that saves you from yourself. You can't explain this depression. You can't get rid of it and it won't go away on your own. FUCK YOU, WHY WON'T YOU DIE? The day is never ending and you can't do this any more. You can't live through. You want to curl up and forget everything. It is too hard. WHY WON'T YOU DIE? You are aching as though the pain could kill you. You love too much, too hard, too often. JUST DIE. WHY WON'T YOU. Die. Please. It hurts. You hurt so bad and there is no one there. You can't stand the pain. You can't make it go away. Please. WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

Why Would You Want To?

There are days where you stop caring about anything and then nothing can hurt you. You feel like life is just one massive bottle of Prozac. You get up at seven o’clock every morning from routine and got to bed at two in the afternoon because there is no point to being awake. What have you got to do? Who have you got to see?
Then there are days when you are crazy. You wake up to mundane conversations you’ve never heard from six other people. It’s all in your head. It always is. Nothing works for you any more so it is on these days that your schemes begin. You’re lucky for it.
On these days you go see your social worker and cry for three hours. You wind up on your stepsister’s couch. You can’t go back, you won’t go back. Now you don’t have to. Three nights you spend in a motel. Three nights in a place five towns over. They were some of the best nights in your life. You slept early for most people but late for you. It was not quiet, just empty.
That was all you needed. You needed to be somewhere as empty as you felt. You aren’t empty though. You had nothing for nine days and now you have everything. You will have to work for it but it is worth working for. It is yours. No one can take this away from you. This will always be here.
You no longer have to live with the constant and irrational fear of mistakes. This is your home. If you are patient, the fear will fade entirely. Now you know things. People can tell you what they hide from you and it no longer changes your opinion. They say things will be better if you give it time. Well, it’s better now so you’re going to hold on to what you have.
So as you walk through the grass feeling your feet go numb you think about yourself. You’ve left your parent’s house and live with a stranger you like. You have a job and friends. You are no longer dependent on the people who have destroyed your life. Today the rain poured down on you but you didn’t care. You woke up alright. On a day like today, the whole world can change and you know everything will be fine.
Today you don’t want to die. Today you don’t want to sleep through your life. Today you are enjoying the best years of suffering you will ever experience.