Are you Reddy?

Some people and their timing just make my head want to explode. I've had a head ache the last for days which probably doesn't help but for the most part, I'm just going to blame people. Like Trent. I left him over two weeks ago and I'm starting to feel the sadness instead of the freedom and after not talking to me the entire time, even after I mentioned shark week being late he still has the nerve to fuck with my feels. Half an hour into my shift at work last night, he texts saying he misses me. Yeah, well he should have though of that when he stopped treating me like a fucking princess. I am a modern goddess and the second he stopped worshipping me for everything I have to offer, he put himself in the position to lose me. It took longer than it should have. I have to be a big girl no and tell him to fuck off and never speak to me only I know I would hate to say that. I want him in my life, so badly but he doesn't deserve it. If he so much as wants to stay friends, he is going to have to work himself halfway dead to earn it. I deserve adoration and unconditional love. I am entitled to such more than he has offered. I am and I will keep telling myself that because I'm not believing it. I HAVE MANY ADMIRABLE QUALITIES SUCH AS MY FREE SPIRIT, IMPRESSIVE INTELLECT AND ENJOYMENT OF LITERATURE. I also have boobs. Guys love boobs. Moving on. I've just started to allow myself to flirt and realise other guys actually exist and he comes in with three little words and a sad sideways smiley and just flips shit upside down. There is a sweet guy at work, the kind who says nice things to his mum. And there's a fun guy who tells the worst jokes because he knows how bad they are. And there's the guy with the awesome tattoo who picks on me and calls me out on my dimples. The one who makes an effort to see me before he leaves when we have shifts together. The one who listened to a whole bunch of Regina Spektor songs so he'd be able to understand the secret girl code I've got going with Oriana. And also because I told him about Chemo Limo and he wanted to know why I liked it. I'm attractive and people notice me. I hadn't really noticed them noticing but it happens and I never saw because I felt like I wasn't worth it. WELL I AM. And now that I'm starting to feel my insecurity and anxiety again, when I am vulnerable and nearing weaknesses, Trent tells me I'm missed. What is he hoping for? I'm not allowing a miracle. He's not being instantly forgiven. Relationships are meant to make you happy, at least most of the time if not all. They are not meant to make you sad and insecure and doubtful of the other person. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I don't trust him when it comes to a lot of things actually. He is going to have to work on so many levels just to get me to talk with him. And the first thing I'm going to ask for? The things I left at his place.

*Jaw's Theme*

I'm going through some feels today and I've got to admit, they're pretty unpleasant. Just to be extra, super sure there is no growing fetus and since I'm due for an ultrasound anyway (October and April I have them) I went in for one this morning. I've done a couple home tests, both negatives so I wasn't expecting anything unusual but even when you are deliberately not getting your hopes up, you get your hopes up a little. One thing that makes me mad at people is they keep putting a timeline on my grief. I don't have to stop feeling sad if I don't feel ready to. The part that breaks me most though is people don't see me as a mother because I never held what they would consider a valid baby. My baby died at 7 gestational weeks. He was about the size of my fingernail with no easily discernible features. For the rest of the world, he was not recognisable and therefore not recognised. Well FUCK YOU. He matters to me. I am a mother, I had a child in the womb. No, it wasn't for long but I wanted things for him in the short time I knew he was there. He could have been gay or a doctor or a serial killer or an artist living in Korea and I would never have loved him any less. So I took to madly dancing and enjoying myself in my pj pants sans top listening to Fidelity. And it just made me sad when I stopped. Happiness is temporary and it's hurting me. I want some comfort or some company but I know it will only work until it is over. And I'm finally starting to hurt over my break-up and shark week arrived and my nipples ache and I don't want to get out of bed.

No thank you, no thank you, no thank you, no thank you

It's a scary thought, especially because I've been drinking with friends recently. I have had two failed pregnancies and now shark week is late by five days :'( I'm not going to take a test just yet. I want to do everything possible to avoid considering it even remotely possible and getting my hopes up. I am scared as all hell. I do not do this well, for the first year after my miscarriage ever single late period even if only for a day was filled with fear, hope and disappointment. After the second, only a week 'late' I switched that off and just told myself that eventually, it would come. And for a while, it worked. I would simply tell Trent I was late by a day or two and having him know was enough. I didn't want to feel any of it. I could never tell you if I wanted a positive or negative right now. If I say I want positive, that will make me a single mum. If I say I want negative I will possibly be lying because this could be one of few shots at parenthood. I'm still unsure of how my system is functioning. Weight gain. Excessive tiredness. Aching nipples. Uterine pains. All early symptoms of pregnancy and all explainable. I've been eating to please myself lately. I have very low iron levels. The last two can be period related. I am scared, so so scared and I've got Chemo Limo stuck in my head. 'And my Barbara...She looks just like my mum.' I'm trying to consider my options without considering my options. Every dad should have the option to be in his baby's life, whether it's every other weekend or as much as possible. I would want my ex to be in his child's life but not in mine. That's difficult. I know he would ask for us to try for the baby's sake, if there even is one but I don't want to. I always assumed I would but no. I wouldn't put myself through that. And this is just amazing timing because I've only just stopped being oblivious to a guy at work flirting with me and damn it all, he is attractive! And sweet! He picks on my dimples and messes with me when we work together. How did I not notice this ages ago? I mean, he actually goes out of his way to make sure I know he's around when I'm at work and it went completely over my head. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid. Very hard. I'm not ready for my body to emotionally fuck with my head but it does. It's not very fair.

Fidelity

It’s been one of those lazy days, where it’s too lazy to actually do anything. So lazy that I don’t even want to play solitaire instead of working. It’s naptime lazy, mostly because of the warmth and sporadic sunshine but also because I went to bed so late. Shark week is approaching and I’m experiencing some severe tenderness in more than one area. I hate the pain but I’m not going to take birth control pills just to alleviate cramps. It’s not like it’s unsafe for me to take them, I just get paranoid sometimes that just about everything I do puts me at risk. I just don’t want the option of being a mother taken away from me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually decide for it to happen because it’s a terrifying thought depending on how my day is going but I at least want to be able to make the decision for myself. I’ve been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately because an old friend reminded me of how amazing she is. There’s one song I tend to skip before I listen through and to be honest, I can’t figure out why. It has my words in it. Hearing all of these voices and words and music and it’s breaking your heart? That is my feels! I found it, with words and a piano in the background. Anyway, this song is my feels because there is a lot of confusion in my head lately. See, I always felt pro-life because a little life is not a little loss and how could anyone do that to precious life? Until someone I actually hated cried and told me they had an abortion and I held their hand and told them about losing Aaron. She said thank you. I was appreciated because I forgave her, not just for hurting me but for hurting her baby. I have felt like my blood has been forced out drop by drop because of the internal agony of miscarriage and here is a young woman who volunteered herself to the pain and I want to bear all of it for her because I know the pain, the guilt and the loss. So I am confused about where my head is supposed to be but I know there are wildflowers and paintings and goose eggs and piano notes in the scone-scented air. It hurts so much and so unexplainedly (?) that I am so mad I could punch a goat. But apologise because the goat did nothing.

For the Man

People who don't have to or choose not to work downright PISS ME OFF. There's a Lebanese kid in my History class who, in the first week of yr 12 together old me he was not going to get a part time job until he graduated university because his parents would pay for his studies and he didn't want to jeopardise his grades. Well guess the fuck what? His grades are slipping without a job anyway because he doesn't have to work for anything. He just expects to get it. I work 20 or more hours a week, I'm a full-time high school student and I'm independent so I wash my own damn laundry. It makes me so mad that, yes I chose to accept 20+ hours of work a week but I make that choice based on the bills I have to pay. True, I was given a car for my 18th but not the money for rego or for petrol or maintenance. So that I can take pretty much every other day off during exams and still have money for rent, groceries, petrol and car repairs, I worked nearly 70 hours in 16 days. I did not get a two week break, I got the chance to own every other "holiday" I've had and completely ruin my body. So quit your sooking about a part-time job, money is money. Money gives people choices and I get angry because although I've got the money, I have to work for it and working in itself limits my choices. I can't drink on weekends, I gotta stay up until 6.30am when my shift finishes and then I get a couple hours sleep before I have to do homework then start the next 10pm-6.30. People who say they will eventually get around to working (yeah, I'm looking right at you) because they don't really need the money also can go suck a lemon. Yes you do, you need the money and the responsibility and the life experience of taking care of your own life. Who is going to pay for the plane ticket to France? Why do I think it won't be you? Some times the 'best' argument presented is that work is hard and they're just not sociable enough people to do well. They'd just get fired, right? Well guess what dickhead, I am a sociophobe. I am afraid of PEOPLE. Today I nearly hit one of the guys who works with me in the face because he grabbed something near my leg and I like him and I panicked and yet I still choose to have my job at Maccas. You know why? Because it's not beneath me or anyone else to be earning nearly 17.50 an hour. Money is money and even when you're scared, the bills have got to be paid and you have got to find a way to pay for uni instead of living off Daddy's credit card. So blow your paycheck on tequila and bite down on those lemons.

Happily ever afters are never so happy

I'm in love and I'm happy. Never make the mistake of thinking I am not happy.
It's just that occasionally, I'm wistful. I would love for my first to be my last, to have a high school sweetheart and be happy for all eternity but I get sad at that thought too. It's like that HIMYM episode where you hear two ways of saying "Aw, Marshall and Lily have only slept with each ither." It's cute but it's also a little sad. Is that it? Do I have to give up being happy and in love to experience what someone else's skin feels like?
I believe in monogamy. It's ok to love more than one person and even at the same time but you don't express that to more than one person at a time. It's not fair on the heart any other way.
So I daydream every once in a while about the guys at school. And sometimes the girls. And of course, the odd teacher. I don't know why but my brain just jumped straight to Mrs. Kumar. I have NEVER thought about her like that o.O
But yes, sometimes I look at the people I know and wonder what they would feel like, how we would work, if they would make me happy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out by falling so hard for someone so young. I would give up anything for my partner but would it be worth it?

Brought to you by my Android from the bathtub, where most of my epiphanies occur.

Home again, home again.

It's been a LONG time since I stopped in at Lemons. High school has been keeping me busy. It's nothing like I expected. Essentially, yes. There are teachers and students and classrooms and bathrooms that smell like menthol cigarettes but it's still not what my brain was preparing me for.
The tiredness is worst. I can get up at 7.30 after going to bed past midnight no problems but that isn't how I'm tired. I've found that I'm tired as I work. Take today for instance. I was concentrating on my History SAC, focusing so hard on the right answer that I had moments where I felt the need to faint. I was honestly surprised when I reached the end of the SAC and was still conscious. I also feel more of the 'over it' kind of tired rather than the 'sleepy' kind. The thought of putting up with the bitchiness and the perfectionism for even one more day puts me in a rut the size of the Great Wall of China.
I can't stand the girls. They're so set in their ways. We have to sit in the same places, eat in the same places, cook at the same work bench in Food Tech, take study periods in the same layout. We have to treat our teachers a certain way (usually badly) and because I have my own rules, my own priorities I become the bitch. I am The Scapegoat.
I'm too old to 'get' them, too young to be any other adult. I'm the one who ends up losing every battle because I am not the same. They think I don't care what they say or believe about me but I do. I hate being 'special' or 'different' or a 'freak'. I want to be Amy, head down and unnoticed. Better yet, Terreur with her head down and UNKNOWN.
"One more week" I tell myself. "One more week then two off. You won't have to see any one. You won't have to talk to anyone. You can hide and cry to your heart's content. One more week."
Sooner, if I really want to lose.

Jude vs. Keith

I'm glad I decided to unblock The Gymnast on facebook and talk to him again. You see, absence makes the heart grow fonder and I've realised I don't feel all those things I think I feel. Not even a little bit. The Gymnast is one of my best friends and he has been good to me but I've gotten over him.
Ever read the poem 'The Best Way to Get Over Somebody is To Get Under Someone Else'? It's on deviantart and it has got this situation covered in my eyes. I don't care about The Gymnast the way I care about my boyfriend. I don't love him like I used to, like I love my boyfriend now.
It's taken me too long to realise I am happy with what I have and I don't need the memory I have perfected. My boyfriend hurts me; he makes me cry and insecure. He does this because he is insecure, because he is afraid of someone else loving me and taking me away.
As often as he hurts me, he takes it all away. He wraps me up in cute messages and hides his feelings in them so I'll read something and suddenly see just how much he loves me. He tries to be manly but he's really just a mushy lovesick young adult at heart.
Did I mention he also looks so gorgeous with his daughter? He loves her, so much and that's worth sticking around for. The way things are going, I doubt he's ever going to be interested in having any more kids but at least I can spoil Marissa. I love him so much that even missing out on having kids wouldn't make me leave. That doesn't mean I don't still want them though, just that I'd be willing to give that part of me up for him.

Eww, girl germs

Forgive me but I use this place like a diary. I found a lump on my cervix today. We're going to skip all the weird questions such as 'What the hell were you doing with your cervix?' and move on with it. This post is not for the squeamish.
I'm nearing ovulation and I wanted to confirm that by checking my cervix position and the like. Soft, high, medium open. And then a tiny hard bump just next to the opening on the left side. My left, not yours.
I'm freaking out. Last time I had a girly parts check up, I was sprung with inactive cervical cancer (pre-cancerous cells) on my 6 monthly ultrasound.The ultrasound was done in October, treatment began in November, miscarriage in December. I was busy and sad. That ultrasound was followed by six months of intensive blood work(weekly), hormone therapy(daily tablet), monthly ultrasounds(monthly. durr) and a few doses of cryosurgery(they stick liquid nitrogen or carbon dioxide on the cervix). Then another six months of fortnightly blood work, my daily hormone breakfast and an ultrasound every second month. And then, thank Bejeesus came the all clear.
Since this was inactive cancer, I don't have a 'remission period'. No five years of high alert or similar. Just a ton of nerves requiring constant vigilance.
Which sometimes comes in the form of a finger up your woohoo.

Buttercup.

Lately I've found that I build things up in my head. Donating blood wasn't as scary or painful as my brain was telling me it would be neither was going back to school. Yes it was hard and I wanted to fuck some people right up but it wasn't half as terrifying as I told myself it would be. It was sad without Ben.
I had no panic attacks and I haven't cried yet today. I slept through until 8.30 but I got to school on time. I have heaps of homework but I'm reasonably interested in completing it. I wasn't sure about my friends but they came through. A lot of my teachers pulled me aside but I survived their questions.
Tell you what, that nap was definitely welcomed when I got home. Ok, that series of naps. Each twenty minutes long with 5 minutes between them. I had three and they perked me right up without the worry that I won't sleep tonight.
I went to school with a hickey -_- That I was not too impressed with but I didn't realise it was there until it was all there. Trent's idea of a compromise to tattooing TAKEN on my forehead...It's like a little note that says "Don't even think about thinking about it or I'll fuck your face up." A little possessive but it actually feels ok knowing that he's worried I'll find someone better.