They see me rolling...

This is the first time I've driven twice in one week! I should be shocked, not excited. I am excited though. The last time I drove before this was September last year. SEPTEMBER. Can you believe it? I can because it happened to me.
I used to wonder if I would be able to drive with the memory of mum's accident. I'm doing just fine though and I love driving - what little I get to do. I'm even doing a long day trip on the Friday after this. I love it.
It does mean I'm stuck with my dad for a while. I don't mind too much but he is a bit arrogant and he makes me feel pressured into doing or saying things. I really need the hours though so I'll have to suck it up and be manipulative.
I enjoyed going around the industrial lot today. Now that I actually know how to do things, it's more fun to do them. Of course, I broke the law by failing to indicate or indicating too late, speeding, driving too far to the right and going through an intersection without pausing. Hey! I've only done 8 hours!
I talked a lot whilst driving which was really good for me. I felt calmer and more in control. I also swore vengeance against a lot of drivers on the freeway. They followed really close! And some of them cut me off. Assholes :)
But for the most part, it wasn't a ranting kind of driving lesson. Actually, none of it was. I did get annoyed at my dad but I always do and he was being really on edge which bugged me as the driver. It was a good lesson!

Left side! Strong side! ('Remember the Titans')

I was struggling to come up with an idea for today's rant so I decided to bitch about my boyfriend and HELL-O! I struck gold. The bastard stole my side of the bed!
Although it has changed a lot over the last year, I've finally settled into sleeping on the left side of the bed and I can't be against the wall only to sleep over and have my grandeur's of a good night sleep destroyed. Trent actually MOVED me over.
Trent was out watchnig a movie and I got so tired I just gave up and went to sleep in his bed. On the left side. At three o'clock-IN THE MORNING! Not happy- he came in and wiggled me onto the other side of the bed. Now I wasn't happy about this already but what he did next was worse.
He put a movie on to help him sleep.
There is no way I can sleep with noise. My stepsister's snoring wakes me right up.
He wrapped both his arms around me which was an amazingly secure feeling but it also meant I couldn't escape his dastardly clutches without waking him up. DAMN! In the end, I was so tired from over-thinking ways to get up without waking him (how sweet, not wanting to wake him after what he did!) that I ended up getting out of bed at six-thirty to help his house mate's kids get ready to go stay at their dad's.
When Trent left for work and I went home, I decided to change my side of the bed. For the last month or so, I've been sleeping on the right side with my massive teddy in the way to stop me creeping over. It sucks. It sucks so bad. Sleeping this way doesn't feel natural! It takes ages to fall asleep, I toss and turn all night and I just really miss my side of the bed!
A few nights ago, I kicked my teddy off the bed and shuffled my way onto the left side. Left side = orgasm face. It was the best sleep ever. No moving, no lying awake and no cranky morning mood! I've even fallen asleep just sitting on the left side of my bed doing homework.
My body knows. Trent has deprived me of a most basic but necessary and important right: access to the left side of the bed!
Now to explain all this to him without looking like I've given it too much consideration...

Let's remake the Bonds' ads.

I'm here to say there is absolutely NO WAY I will ever wear Bonds underwear. My bum is never going to look as good as the girls in the ads and I've certainly never had a food fight in my knickers! I've also never skated past strangers when almost starkers.
I will admit that I do like the thought of girls being comfortable enough with their bodies to dance around in their undies but come on! Bonds ads are almost certainly made by the same guys who think girls have pillow fights at sleep overs.
No girl jumps into a choreographed underwear dance, especially not in their gym. And what's with the corset? I don't know anyone who wears Bonds AND a corset!
Let's face it, Bonds have no idea what they're doing. Sure, they make comfy undies but what the hell are they doing with their advertising?
I would never leave my house any less than fully dressed but in the land of Bonds, it's ok to run around the forest with the necessities only barely covered. Wouldn't those girls freeze?
And don't get me started on all the jumping and jiggling. If I tried to dance in a Bonds ad, all my wobbly bits would wiggle right out!
All I want is for Bonds to go back to the good old days of Pat Rafter, where the ads got a giggle and made sense.
But hey, at least Bonds have got the 'comfy undies' angle to work with.

Rambling.

They honestly don't care if you're a pretty face because no one ever remembers you the morning after. I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't but I do. I can't stop thinking of it. For just a second, I knew that someone thought I was beautiful. Then I kick myself and consider the razor blades. I was weak. I love to dance. He was charming. I'm a sucker for guys who speak Italian. He was a gentleman. I don't think I've ever so much as seen a guy kiss a girl's hand. Of course I told him off and warned him and did all the right things someone who has a boyfriend is supposed to do. But I was weak and I won't forget that. I cried and I hate that because tears are emotional blackmail. The way that he says 'I knew something would happen' makes me want to hurt him. Not because he's right but because I feel like he won't trust anyone with me. That's the same as not trusting me with anyone. I hate that I care so much about what happened. I hate that I was manipulative about how I told him. I hate that I'm guilty because I DID do something wrong. I just want to give up on myself. I don't feel as though I deserve any better.

Nothing is Everywhere.

So I might as well say it.
Ben, I told you so.

Reader/s, do you understand? No. I had sex. Ben thinks I'll regret it. I don't. I care about my boyfriend. I'm happy and I trust him not to hurt me.

So I don't care what I'm going through. Yeah, I ache in unimaginable ways but I can cope. I always was the strong one, even when I broke down.

I can abandon my family. I won't but I can.
I can move out and be at home alone. I went from living with 12 people to just being by myself. I can handle it. I am strong.
I can walk to a cemetery in the dark and visit the mother I lost, staying out all night if I need to.
I can forgot how men have hurt me, how they have made me ashamed of myself, how I do not trust and am always cautious. I can give up and give in.

Naturally, I still have a gaping hole of nothing in my chest but that doesn't matter. It is nothing. Just nothing. I don't expect it to go away. I am accustomed to the presence. I am deliriously happy. I don't care.

Holes Like Swiss Cheese

With blind eyes I see you
As I prepare to ease you on your way
I wish that you would see me
Without the eyes of friends
For I know and I feel you
With an ache and a burning pain
Instead I console you
I am someone else
I am jealous and broken
Sitting by your side
I miss you

Shh Mahny!

17 year old girls sits in room watching movies on laptop. She is wearing her underwear and a miniskirt whilst eating cookies and drinking milk. It's a bit early for that.
Haven't we been here before?
14 year old girl sits in corner of room watching all 10 seasons of SG1. She is wearing her bikini and a jacket whilst eat cream cheese and drinking. It's a bit late for her.
Oh, hell yeah. It's year 8 all over again. Except this time I don't have to jump the fence to go out. I get to leave when I want. Oh wait, I did. HOW DO YOU FUCKING LIKE ME NOW?
Everything was better and simultaneously much worse in Yr 8.
Swirl...

Effort Lines

1. A red line appears
Red, politically correct otherwise
But still wrong
Welcomed but unwelcomed
By me and by you
Like a spell check
But this smarts
It stings like words
It hurts even
My little effort line
Upon no page
2. Now upon the arm

Tonight Will Be The Night

These are the days when you want out. The world is against you, making you feel useless. Unloved. Your mood crashes and rises until you prepare to give in and vomit your life into your hands. You hate how you feel, you hate everything. You want the medication, the magic pill that saves you from yourself. You can't explain this depression. You can't get rid of it and it won't go away on your own. FUCK YOU, WHY WON'T YOU DIE? The day is never ending and you can't do this any more. You can't live through. You want to curl up and forget everything. It is too hard. WHY WON'T YOU DIE? You are aching as though the pain could kill you. You love too much, too hard, too often. JUST DIE. WHY WON'T YOU. Die. Please. It hurts. You hurt so bad and there is no one there. You can't stand the pain. You can't make it go away. Please. WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

Why Would You Want To?

There are days where you stop caring about anything and then nothing can hurt you. You feel like life is just one massive bottle of Prozac. You get up at seven o’clock every morning from routine and got to bed at two in the afternoon because there is no point to being awake. What have you got to do? Who have you got to see?
Then there are days when you are crazy. You wake up to mundane conversations you’ve never heard from six other people. It’s all in your head. It always is. Nothing works for you any more so it is on these days that your schemes begin. You’re lucky for it.
On these days you go see your social worker and cry for three hours. You wind up on your stepsister’s couch. You can’t go back, you won’t go back. Now you don’t have to. Three nights you spend in a motel. Three nights in a place five towns over. They were some of the best nights in your life. You slept early for most people but late for you. It was not quiet, just empty.
That was all you needed. You needed to be somewhere as empty as you felt. You aren’t empty though. You had nothing for nine days and now you have everything. You will have to work for it but it is worth working for. It is yours. No one can take this away from you. This will always be here.
You no longer have to live with the constant and irrational fear of mistakes. This is your home. If you are patient, the fear will fade entirely. Now you know things. People can tell you what they hide from you and it no longer changes your opinion. They say things will be better if you give it time. Well, it’s better now so you’re going to hold on to what you have.
So as you walk through the grass feeling your feet go numb you think about yourself. You’ve left your parent’s house and live with a stranger you like. You have a job and friends. You are no longer dependent on the people who have destroyed your life. Today the rain poured down on you but you didn’t care. You woke up alright. On a day like today, the whole world can change and you know everything will be fine.
Today you don’t want to die. Today you don’t want to sleep through your life. Today you are enjoying the best years of suffering you will ever experience.