Paige. I am so very disappointed. For every talk I have ever given to you that you've been too embarrassed to have with your mum, every warning I've given you when I see you leave on Saturday nights, every single MumMoment I have ever had with you and will ever have again there will now be a deep green stain across the highlight. It seems to me that you never listened. I am deeply moved and not in a good way.
Yeah, I'm older than you. That's why you are my Year Nines and you, Paige, are special because you are my baby girl now I've lost Shonna. You don't know her. Don't worry about it. Being older than you also means I have a special responsibility. I run the 'Don't have sex. You'll get klamidia. And die.' rants.
You know that! You've had to sit through endless amounts of them. It would be hypocritical of me to rip into Sam if I was the same kind of person as her. I wouldn't even have been able to say half the things I've said to C or M (even N but that is NEVER going to go anywhere. I will break ALL of his fingers if he touches her, then his toes. Pull out all his eyelashes with a pair of tweezers. The usual) if I'd passed my Vees. No way. I wouldn't even be able to threaten G with mass amounts of duct tape and oak trees.
I'm proud of being a virgin. I know so few girls my age who still are. It's not right and it's even worse that you don't trust my judgment, let alone my sincerity in trying to help you make good life choices.
This is my body and I only trust myself with it. I wouldn't risk that on something I would not be proud of in the morning. So I'll hold on to my virginity for a while longer thank you and I'll trust you not to make the mistake of not trusting me again. How could you not in the first place?
26 April, 2010
Courage
I suppose I wish this were real because then I would be able to tell myself that it's all over now and I will never have to go back. Unfortunately it was a daydream, a moment of woken terror and I will be seeing it again and again until I can no longer bear the weight of it.
What is courage? We have been discussing it in literature, referencing the actions of Bertrande Guerre (formerly de Rols). I was fortunate enough to also have referenced Robert Frost for courage yet it is his poetry that brought me to me knees (figuratively speaking) this very morning.
As a class, our definition was bravery. So what was our definition of bravery? Courage. So we went on in our circles, tightening and winding until we were dazed, lost and thoroughly confused.
The Oxford Australian Integrated School File Dictionary and Thesaurus (compiled by Anne Knight) tells me that bravery is "having or showing courage". This gets me no where. The compilation of Anne Knight goes on to tell me that courage is "the ability to face danger or difficulty or pain even when you are afraid; bravery." That shows where we lost ourselves that little (okay, significantly large) bit. Even the dictionary that is supposed to educate us, although we may not use it in any SAC, test or particularly difficult class, has turned on itself.
Courage is bravery, bravery is courage. What is each if it is not the other?
I took the liberty of spending an hour or so with Mr Frost to discover the answer. I like to have answers. I like answers much more than questions. I would love to spend all my days being asked any question at all as long as I was able to provide the answer to it. Even if it were a sad answer, it would still be an answer and there is its beauty: My ability.
I was simply sitting and waiting in my own world of peace, quiet and insane injustice when I came upon him. It struck me as odd. I was the one to stumble upon Robert yet I never moved before then. It was just how it went in my mind. We held a pleasant conversation for some time, amicably arguing about words and the like. I often hold such arguments within myself and was quite pleased to have a companion on this day.
It was strange that we turned to the topic of courage. We were aware of ANZAC Day having just passed but I'm quite sure we were talking about something simple like the weather or how my hair looked in the light.
As was to be expected, we were traversing through a wood I had no recollection of but for my imagination. I recollect pausing at some point without realising until I noticed the two paths we were standing before and had been standing before for a good twenty minutes. I'm not which of us it was but one of our exclusive group of two asked with path it was to be.
I am embarrassed to to admit I must have run from the paths even knowing they were not real. Every step back was another year until I was aching and withered from my efforts to return to Robert. He was gentlemanly enough to offer his arm. How wonderful of him not to have turned from the sight of a choice to be made. How strong and tall and proud he looked!
I chose the latter path. I will not tell you were we went as that is something to be kept between Robert and I. I am glad I showed courage and bravery. I am glad I caught myself up in the confusing behaviours of the forest and went to where I am supposed to be. I am pained by what it cost.
Now I am fortunate enough to know that courage is not bravery, nor is it the ability to face danger, difficulty, pain when one is afraid. It is the choice we make; At the end of the day we can either do what is easy or what is right.
I still think I did what was right.
Amy.
What is courage? We have been discussing it in literature, referencing the actions of Bertrande Guerre (formerly de Rols). I was fortunate enough to also have referenced Robert Frost for courage yet it is his poetry that brought me to me knees (figuratively speaking) this very morning.
As a class, our definition was bravery. So what was our definition of bravery? Courage. So we went on in our circles, tightening and winding until we were dazed, lost and thoroughly confused.
The Oxford Australian Integrated School File Dictionary and Thesaurus (compiled by Anne Knight) tells me that bravery is "having or showing courage". This gets me no where. The compilation of Anne Knight goes on to tell me that courage is "the ability to face danger or difficulty or pain even when you are afraid; bravery." That shows where we lost ourselves that little (okay, significantly large) bit. Even the dictionary that is supposed to educate us, although we may not use it in any SAC, test or particularly difficult class, has turned on itself.
Courage is bravery, bravery is courage. What is each if it is not the other?
I took the liberty of spending an hour or so with Mr Frost to discover the answer. I like to have answers. I like answers much more than questions. I would love to spend all my days being asked any question at all as long as I was able to provide the answer to it. Even if it were a sad answer, it would still be an answer and there is its beauty: My ability.
I was simply sitting and waiting in my own world of peace, quiet and insane injustice when I came upon him. It struck me as odd. I was the one to stumble upon Robert yet I never moved before then. It was just how it went in my mind. We held a pleasant conversation for some time, amicably arguing about words and the like. I often hold such arguments within myself and was quite pleased to have a companion on this day.
It was strange that we turned to the topic of courage. We were aware of ANZAC Day having just passed but I'm quite sure we were talking about something simple like the weather or how my hair looked in the light.
As was to be expected, we were traversing through a wood I had no recollection of but for my imagination. I recollect pausing at some point without realising until I noticed the two paths we were standing before and had been standing before for a good twenty minutes. I'm not which of us it was but one of our exclusive group of two asked with path it was to be.
I am embarrassed to to admit I must have run from the paths even knowing they were not real. Every step back was another year until I was aching and withered from my efforts to return to Robert. He was gentlemanly enough to offer his arm. How wonderful of him not to have turned from the sight of a choice to be made. How strong and tall and proud he looked!
I chose the latter path. I will not tell you were we went as that is something to be kept between Robert and I. I am glad I showed courage and bravery. I am glad I caught myself up in the confusing behaviours of the forest and went to where I am supposed to be. I am pained by what it cost.
Now I am fortunate enough to know that courage is not bravery, nor is it the ability to face danger, difficulty, pain when one is afraid. It is the choice we make; At the end of the day we can either do what is easy or what is right.
I still think I did what was right.
Amy.
Gay Hair...
What would your last haircut say about you now??
I have this idea that is goes like this: Darling, I wish I was still a part of your lovely do (yes, my hair is gay, get over it) but I suppose merely being able to see what has been done with your mane is enough. I am simply in love with the style. I doubt you are aware that you look a little like Shannon Doherty before she died on Charmed. Well, you do and honey, it's workin for ya!
I have this idea that is goes like this: Darling, I wish I was still a part of your lovely do (yes, my hair is gay, get over it) but I suppose merely being able to see what has been done with your mane is enough. I am simply in love with the style. I doubt you are aware that you look a little like Shannon Doherty before she died on Charmed. Well, you do and honey, it's workin for ya!
21 April, 2010
Back In The Real World.
It isn't nice here. It is warm and cosy. I am safe indoors, wrapped away from the wind and the rain. There is warmth on tap, ready to fire up or die down lest I burn up or freeze.
I don't like it in here. I want my wind, my mountains, my sprained knee. I want to get back on that surfboard and tell the surf to get fucked, I'm still standing. I want to lie down on the hard ground to sleep and tell myself "Fay" will not come and get me. Thanks McCrorey, worst idea ever. I want to have girls to laugh at and pity because the wombats at Wilson's Prom are feral and the girls themselves are stupid.
I find it odd that here I am, at school, in front of a laptop reminding myself I am back in the real world when Nature is more real. Dicko's scraped knee is real. The gravel was real, the blood was real, the pain was REAL. The hike was real. The shortness of breath was real, the forcing ourselves upwards was real, the view was REAL.
The view of trees that looked like they would just throw you right back up if you feel. The trees that were just begging you to jump. The trees you would walk closer and closer to, ignoring the cliff face until Kate was ready to scream and had such a tight hold on your arm that your fingers were blue. It was real.
How is it that I am here in the "Real World" when everything that made me alive and human is hours away and imprisoned in inadequate gates, telling me I will not be there tomorrow?
McCrorey, thank you for our Sunday Night Serenade. Hearing Damien Rice was ecstasy enough without finding out you knew enough of Nine Crimes to make playing it worth the effort.
Sweet Dreams (or Sour Nights in my case)
Enjoy the "Real World"
I don't like it in here. I want my wind, my mountains, my sprained knee. I want to get back on that surfboard and tell the surf to get fucked, I'm still standing. I want to lie down on the hard ground to sleep and tell myself "Fay" will not come and get me. Thanks McCrorey, worst idea ever. I want to have girls to laugh at and pity because the wombats at Wilson's Prom are feral and the girls themselves are stupid.
I find it odd that here I am, at school, in front of a laptop reminding myself I am back in the real world when Nature is more real. Dicko's scraped knee is real. The gravel was real, the blood was real, the pain was REAL. The hike was real. The shortness of breath was real, the forcing ourselves upwards was real, the view was REAL.
The view of trees that looked like they would just throw you right back up if you feel. The trees that were just begging you to jump. The trees you would walk closer and closer to, ignoring the cliff face until Kate was ready to scream and had such a tight hold on your arm that your fingers were blue. It was real.
How is it that I am here in the "Real World" when everything that made me alive and human is hours away and imprisoned in inadequate gates, telling me I will not be there tomorrow?
McCrorey, thank you for our Sunday Night Serenade. Hearing Damien Rice was ecstasy enough without finding out you knew enough of Nine Crimes to make playing it worth the effort.
Sweet Dreams (or Sour Nights in my case)
Enjoy the "Real World"
12 April, 2010
Marnie
I have just been sitting on givesmehope.com for the past hour.
I have just found one my friend has posted for me to remember.
She GMH
Marnie, Victoria (AUS)
My friend tried to kill herself twice last year.
"The second time, her school found out and she ran.
Two teachers went after her and locked her in a room until the ambulance showed up. She fought and screamed the whole time."
Teachers who trade black eyes for students lives GMH
I have just found one my friend has posted for me to remember.
She GMH
Marnie, Victoria (AUS)
My friend tried to kill herself twice last year.
"The second time, her school found out and she ran.
Two teachers went after her and locked her in a room until the ambulance showed up. She fought and screamed the whole time."
Teachers who trade black eyes for students lives GMH
I Am Proud. Of You. Of Me.
For the last three days, my words have avoided me. They were just gone and I could not get them back. Today, here are my words, sitting calmly beside me and wondering what punishment they are to recieve.
They shall not be punished. My words came back to me and I was able to look after my young ones again. My words were with me, my words came to the fore and let the world know what I was feeling and thinking.
I made a girl cry today. Her name is Samantha Peters. I am not sorry but am instead proud of the words I used against her today. I do not take kindly to the corruption of my young ones. Thirteen year old girls should not be having sex and they should not be under the influence of a sixteen year old who suggests it. If Samantha is unable to keep her legs closed, I would hope that she could at least keep her mouth closed.
I am disgusted by the things she tells my young ones and I am on the verge of being violently ill from the thought of what she suggests. I find her to be wrong in giving her blessing and only her blessing. That is poor advice. A thirteen year old can still become pregnant or get chlamydia. And die! A poor time to quote Mean Girls but it gets my point across.
I am a proud supporter of the Australian Childhood Foundation and the NNCF. No child should ever feel like they have to have sex and no child should be abused. I consider the habits Samantha is teaching my young ones to be abuse. She is abusing their trust in her wisdom and their innocence. I will not allow her to destroy my young ones.
They are my minions and I have promised to love them no matter what. I may not be proud of some choices they have made but they do not disappoint me. They are the only children I can look after.
My many nines have given me reason to be proud. They understand that you do not automatically have to lose your virginity once you are fourteen. Even the boys. I still have mine and I'm keeping it that way for as long as I like.
Paige. Riley. Bridget. Georgia. Steven. Natalie. Jacinta. Courtney. James. Kelly. DJ. Brad. Cody. Jodie. Even Joel though I really do hate him right now. I am proud.
Samantha is aware of the consequences of her actions. I do not easily anger but I am capable of being very destructive and I will do everything it takes and more to keep my young ones young.
I do not care how much it will hurt her. She is a pitiful excuse for a human being who cannot keep her legs closed. She has gone too far.
They shall not be punished. My words came back to me and I was able to look after my young ones again. My words were with me, my words came to the fore and let the world know what I was feeling and thinking.
I made a girl cry today. Her name is Samantha Peters. I am not sorry but am instead proud of the words I used against her today. I do not take kindly to the corruption of my young ones. Thirteen year old girls should not be having sex and they should not be under the influence of a sixteen year old who suggests it. If Samantha is unable to keep her legs closed, I would hope that she could at least keep her mouth closed.
I am disgusted by the things she tells my young ones and I am on the verge of being violently ill from the thought of what she suggests. I find her to be wrong in giving her blessing and only her blessing. That is poor advice. A thirteen year old can still become pregnant or get chlamydia. And die! A poor time to quote Mean Girls but it gets my point across.
I am a proud supporter of the Australian Childhood Foundation and the NNCF. No child should ever feel like they have to have sex and no child should be abused. I consider the habits Samantha is teaching my young ones to be abuse. She is abusing their trust in her wisdom and their innocence. I will not allow her to destroy my young ones.
They are my minions and I have promised to love them no matter what. I may not be proud of some choices they have made but they do not disappoint me. They are the only children I can look after.
My many nines have given me reason to be proud. They understand that you do not automatically have to lose your virginity once you are fourteen. Even the boys. I still have mine and I'm keeping it that way for as long as I like.
Paige. Riley. Bridget. Georgia. Steven. Natalie. Jacinta. Courtney. James. Kelly. DJ. Brad. Cody. Jodie. Even Joel though I really do hate him right now. I am proud.
Samantha is aware of the consequences of her actions. I do not easily anger but I am capable of being very destructive and I will do everything it takes and more to keep my young ones young.
I do not care how much it will hurt her. She is a pitiful excuse for a human being who cannot keep her legs closed. She has gone too far.
11 April, 2010
Understanding Arnaud du Tilh
Arnaud d Tilh, are you aware that you destroyed the mental health of a women you illegally possessed? Do you know that your actions tore apart a previously happy and well-to-do family?
Do you understand that you are a liar and a thief? There is no honour code low enough for you. So before you die, let's get on with the interview.
Miller: Why did you stay so long in the home of the Guerre's when you could so easily and quickly have made some gain for little effort?
du Tilh: Dost thee not believe that thou art capable of miraculous changes of self?
M: Cut the bullshit and let's speak straight.
T: Prithee esplain thyself.
M: Stop fucking with me. Drop the French accent and ditch the Shakespeare.
T: Ok, fine.
M: Now we're back on topic, explain. Why didn't you leave?
T: I enjoyed the opportunity to prove myself and be able to change. I liked being in charge and having others depend on me.
M: You fail. I distinctly remember telling you to cut the crap. Don't lie to me.
T: Hey, the being in charge bit was true!
M: And the rest?
T: Not so true... Don't judge me poorly for this-
M: I already judge you poorly. You're an idiot.
T: Can I continue? It was because of Bertrande. She's a beautiful woman and a fantastic wife.
M: Yeah, just not yours.
T: Well no, not really.
M: No. Not at all. What made you think you could take over all Martin Guerre's possesions, including his wife?
T: He wasn't using them.
M: Are you SERIOUS! That's your reason? You've got to be joking!
T: Look, when I met Martin in the wars, he'd been gone for years. He'd left his wife and son behind, his birthrights were being wasted. I fought in those crusades too and I barely got a thing out of them.
M: Except maybe a fair wage.
T: Don't be ridiculous. Those wages were piss poor and hardly worth the men who paid them out.
M: Hey, work harder, earn more. You're just a lazy prick who doesn't want to earn what he keeps.
T: You insolent woman! No one is ever to speak to me like that, let alone someone of inferior race!
M: My interview mate, my rules. So you can either shut up and sit down or I can send you off to be decapitated, Red Queen style.
T: Who the hell is that?
M: It's a thing from Alice in Wonderland...Nevermind. Look, I'm kind of bored with you so I'm going to wrap up here. See you around.
T: No you won't, I'm going to die.
M: Oh, yeah. My bad...Well, have fun with that!
T: Wait! Aren't you going to speak on my behalf?
M: No. You get what you deserve. Goodbye Mr. du Tilh and thank you for the *ah hem* pleasant talk.
T: Please? Won't you at least say something?
M: I could but it would harm your chances more.
T: Please! I don't want to be killed.
M: I'm sorry but I don't like you enough. I barely do at all. Play nice in the next life mmkay?
*door shuts*
Do you understand that you are a liar and a thief? There is no honour code low enough for you. So before you die, let's get on with the interview.
Miller: Why did you stay so long in the home of the Guerre's when you could so easily and quickly have made some gain for little effort?
du Tilh: Dost thee not believe that thou art capable of miraculous changes of self?
M: Cut the bullshit and let's speak straight.
T: Prithee esplain thyself.
M: Stop fucking with me. Drop the French accent and ditch the Shakespeare.
T: Ok, fine.
M: Now we're back on topic, explain. Why didn't you leave?
T: I enjoyed the opportunity to prove myself and be able to change. I liked being in charge and having others depend on me.
M: You fail. I distinctly remember telling you to cut the crap. Don't lie to me.
T: Hey, the being in charge bit was true!
M: And the rest?
T: Not so true... Don't judge me poorly for this-
M: I already judge you poorly. You're an idiot.
T: Can I continue? It was because of Bertrande. She's a beautiful woman and a fantastic wife.
M: Yeah, just not yours.
T: Well no, not really.
M: No. Not at all. What made you think you could take over all Martin Guerre's possesions, including his wife?
T: He wasn't using them.
M: Are you SERIOUS! That's your reason? You've got to be joking!
T: Look, when I met Martin in the wars, he'd been gone for years. He'd left his wife and son behind, his birthrights were being wasted. I fought in those crusades too and I barely got a thing out of them.
M: Except maybe a fair wage.
T: Don't be ridiculous. Those wages were piss poor and hardly worth the men who paid them out.
M: Hey, work harder, earn more. You're just a lazy prick who doesn't want to earn what he keeps.
T: You insolent woman! No one is ever to speak to me like that, let alone someone of inferior race!
M: My interview mate, my rules. So you can either shut up and sit down or I can send you off to be decapitated, Red Queen style.
T: Who the hell is that?
M: It's a thing from Alice in Wonderland...Nevermind. Look, I'm kind of bored with you so I'm going to wrap up here. See you around.
T: No you won't, I'm going to die.
M: Oh, yeah. My bad...Well, have fun with that!
T: Wait! Aren't you going to speak on my behalf?
M: No. You get what you deserve. Goodbye Mr. du Tilh and thank you for the *ah hem* pleasant talk.
T: Please? Won't you at least say something?
M: I could but it would harm your chances more.
T: Please! I don't want to be killed.
M: I'm sorry but I don't like you enough. I barely do at all. Play nice in the next life mmkay?
*door shuts*
10 April, 2010
For You, I Suppose
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.
Terreur Nocturne
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.
Terreur Nocturne
09 April, 2010
All My Friends Are Getting Married...
It seems truly odd to me that I am growing up and so are the people around me. I wake up some mornings, go have a shower and while I'm being deliciously pounded by steaming water (and wasting it all...bad Amy!) I have these odd thoughts. I'll have a discussion with myselves and it usually goes a little like this:
Amy: Alright, one of you guys can pretend to be DJ. She isn't here and I want to chat!
Voice/DJ: ME! Pick me!
A: All right, I pick you. Isn't it strange that I woke up this morning and what I was thinking was I won't remember you in three years?
V/DJ: Hmmm...Almost as strange as you holding a conversation with an invisible friend while you're naked o.O
(Honest to God, this is how it goes...I'm so lame)
A: Well yeah, that too but what I mean is; isn't it odd that my first thought upon waking is that I'm going to graduate and forget all of my highschool friends by the time I'm out of uni?
V/DJ: Except Ben of course. You promised to have his gay, ranga children. But don't say that, don't even think it. We really musn't mean that much to you if you think that about us!
A: Yeah, except Ben. Why do you always get so angry and defensive when I say that? I love you, of course I do. You mean the world to me but I know that eventually you won't. We'll grow up and move on. I'm going to uni, you're going to marry P!nk and Ben's going to join the R.A.A.F until I bitchslap him and make him come home. I'm sick of my friends getting shot.
V/DJ: Don't change the subject. Stop avoiding me, it's really because you just don't care about us.
A: I don't care? Really, I don't CARE? Who took you-know-who in for a pregnancy test? Who is in charge of tickling the fat-believers? Who posts on Ben's page reminding him he is loved? Which one of us is MUM? Who does PaigeBaby belong to? Who gets Riley to talk? It couldn't possibly be that chick who DOESN'T CARE.
V/DJ: Grrr, you're so annoying. That isn't even what I meant. Stop being such a brat.
A: Then say what you mean and mean what you say.
V/DJ: You don't care about making sure you remember us or even trying to stay in touch. It's like you don't want to be our friends.
A: That's right DJ/Voice, because I am a grown up.
(This is usually the point where I tell the DJ/Voice to fuck off and get out of the shower, I'm naked. Then someone knocks on the door and tells me to shut up o.O)
My point with DJ is that it is inevitibly going to happen. People move on and grow old. We don't stick together and that isn't a bad thing. It's a part of becoming an adult. There is always a time and place for highschool friends but unless I've made the plans, I won't know you in three years. I'll be busy with my job, a boyfriend, classes, the apartment, this dog I'll probably get, changing tyres on my car (I just changed my first one about a week ago, I was SO PROUD!), shopping, cooking, baby-sitting and of course, having arguments with newly aquired friends in the shower.
I don't really want to lose my high school friends because they do mean something to me. They mean a whole fucking lot and they always have. I am merely resigned to the fact and aware that it IS going to happen. Accept. Get over. Live through it. Live in spite of it.
Terreur xxx
Amy: Alright, one of you guys can pretend to be DJ. She isn't here and I want to chat!
Voice/DJ: ME! Pick me!
A: All right, I pick you. Isn't it strange that I woke up this morning and what I was thinking was I won't remember you in three years?
V/DJ: Hmmm...Almost as strange as you holding a conversation with an invisible friend while you're naked o.O
(Honest to God, this is how it goes...I'm so lame)
A: Well yeah, that too but what I mean is; isn't it odd that my first thought upon waking is that I'm going to graduate and forget all of my highschool friends by the time I'm out of uni?
V/DJ: Except Ben of course. You promised to have his gay, ranga children. But don't say that, don't even think it. We really musn't mean that much to you if you think that about us!
A: Yeah, except Ben. Why do you always get so angry and defensive when I say that? I love you, of course I do. You mean the world to me but I know that eventually you won't. We'll grow up and move on. I'm going to uni, you're going to marry P!nk and Ben's going to join the R.A.A.F until I bitchslap him and make him come home. I'm sick of my friends getting shot.
V/DJ: Don't change the subject. Stop avoiding me, it's really because you just don't care about us.
A: I don't care? Really, I don't CARE? Who took you-know-who in for a pregnancy test? Who is in charge of tickling the fat-believers? Who posts on Ben's page reminding him he is loved? Which one of us is MUM? Who does PaigeBaby belong to? Who gets Riley to talk? It couldn't possibly be that chick who DOESN'T CARE.
V/DJ: Grrr, you're so annoying. That isn't even what I meant. Stop being such a brat.
A: Then say what you mean and mean what you say.
V/DJ: You don't care about making sure you remember us or even trying to stay in touch. It's like you don't want to be our friends.
A: That's right DJ/Voice, because I am a grown up.
(This is usually the point where I tell the DJ/Voice to fuck off and get out of the shower, I'm naked. Then someone knocks on the door and tells me to shut up o.O)
My point with DJ is that it is inevitibly going to happen. People move on and grow old. We don't stick together and that isn't a bad thing. It's a part of becoming an adult. There is always a time and place for highschool friends but unless I've made the plans, I won't know you in three years. I'll be busy with my job, a boyfriend, classes, the apartment, this dog I'll probably get, changing tyres on my car (I just changed my first one about a week ago, I was SO PROUD!), shopping, cooking, baby-sitting and of course, having arguments with newly aquired friends in the shower.
I don't really want to lose my high school friends because they do mean something to me. They mean a whole fucking lot and they always have. I am merely resigned to the fact and aware that it IS going to happen. Accept. Get over. Live through it. Live in spite of it.
Terreur xxx
08 April, 2010
So Screwed
Urgh, I have uni tomorrow and I have to get up at seven. It is now 12 minutes to eleven and I'm not asleep yet. I may have to pull an all-nighter and not go to sleep. I really don't want to do that but I may have to because I dam sure won't wake up until nine. I normally wake up at nine on the hols. I also have been going to bed at two am-ish again but that isn't normal.
I used to go to bed at about three am and then get up at six or six-thirty. That pretty much killed me so I got myself back on track and started sleeping regular hours. Those being eleven to seven. Then I started chatting with an old friend until all ridiculous hours of the morning and my sleeping habits were forced to change again.
Staying up for hours on end isn't so hard any more but I know it isn't doing any good for me. It's not that I always feel tired or unwell, I just look like it. I'm a bit pale from being inside so often these hols, the homework is drowning me a little. That's another strange thing coz usually I'm on top of everything.
I actually believe I am able to blame this one on my medication. I paid for the damn box of little green pills and then flushed them all when I was only halfway through. It's made me feel heaps happier and I'm slightly less odd but I am having a memory issue. Pretty much the only item on the cons list for flushing meds instead of taking them besides spastic sleep habits.
I'm weird when I'm alseep. I have to have Roxy in here with me now and she has to be under the blanket next to my belly. I also find it too hot to wear pretty much anything to bed now but I still have to have that one bit of blanket over me or I can't sleep.
My actual rant for today was supposed to be about the class I'm taking. We (The Kwongers) have a 'success' workshop in the morning, then our elective master class, lunch and a careers chat lined up for tomorrow. My issue is that I chose Health Sciences and the health science we will look at is that of the environment. I'm an eco warrior and I love the environment, so what is the issue? The organisers are getting Dave Trevoski in for the talk. What's so bad about him? He is not Dave from the first lecture. Dave was wicked. Dave was cool. He still is wicked and he still is cool.
I'm not sure what masterclass Corkie is in but I'm pretty sure it will be Legal. She's doing Legal Studies 3/4 this year, she has no idea about engineering and being an eco nerd is my thing. There's my logic. I hope she chose Health Sciences anyways. It's fun to have her around. She wasn't in Yellow at the last Kwonger event so she missed out on Aaron, group ghosting and walking on forbidden grass. Ooh, and the best place to have coffee on campus! They had this chai tea which was the BEST EVER in my entire life...so far.
But yeah...I have to get up nice and early for the classes so I can meet up with Corkie and her fam (mum and My PaigeBaby are chilling out in the city while we play nerd). I don't see myself getting up early. I think I'm going to have to break out the coffee (awful stuff that instant coffee is) and keep going and going like the Everlast Bunny for the next seven hours.
Shall try to sleep on train :)
Terreur xxx
I used to go to bed at about three am and then get up at six or six-thirty. That pretty much killed me so I got myself back on track and started sleeping regular hours. Those being eleven to seven. Then I started chatting with an old friend until all ridiculous hours of the morning and my sleeping habits were forced to change again.
Staying up for hours on end isn't so hard any more but I know it isn't doing any good for me. It's not that I always feel tired or unwell, I just look like it. I'm a bit pale from being inside so often these hols, the homework is drowning me a little. That's another strange thing coz usually I'm on top of everything.
I actually believe I am able to blame this one on my medication. I paid for the damn box of little green pills and then flushed them all when I was only halfway through. It's made me feel heaps happier and I'm slightly less odd but I am having a memory issue. Pretty much the only item on the cons list for flushing meds instead of taking them besides spastic sleep habits.
I'm weird when I'm alseep. I have to have Roxy in here with me now and she has to be under the blanket next to my belly. I also find it too hot to wear pretty much anything to bed now but I still have to have that one bit of blanket over me or I can't sleep.
My actual rant for today was supposed to be about the class I'm taking. We (The Kwongers) have a 'success' workshop in the morning, then our elective master class, lunch and a careers chat lined up for tomorrow. My issue is that I chose Health Sciences and the health science we will look at is that of the environment. I'm an eco warrior and I love the environment, so what is the issue? The organisers are getting Dave Trevoski in for the talk. What's so bad about him? He is not Dave from the first lecture. Dave was wicked. Dave was cool. He still is wicked and he still is cool.
I'm not sure what masterclass Corkie is in but I'm pretty sure it will be Legal. She's doing Legal Studies 3/4 this year, she has no idea about engineering and being an eco nerd is my thing. There's my logic. I hope she chose Health Sciences anyways. It's fun to have her around. She wasn't in Yellow at the last Kwonger event so she missed out on Aaron, group ghosting and walking on forbidden grass. Ooh, and the best place to have coffee on campus! They had this chai tea which was the BEST EVER in my entire life...so far.
But yeah...I have to get up nice and early for the classes so I can meet up with Corkie and her fam (mum and My PaigeBaby are chilling out in the city while we play nerd). I don't see myself getting up early. I think I'm going to have to break out the coffee (awful stuff that instant coffee is) and keep going and going like the Everlast Bunny for the next seven hours.
Shall try to sleep on train :)
Terreur xxx
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