So Sparkly.

This was not today's original post.

I had another nightmare last night. It was very Alice in Wonderland. I was standing by a cherry blossom on top of a mountain covered in grey snow. I slipped and fell the whole way down. I could feel it. I half woke up and I was aching all over. I stood up to look around but there was a massive purple python in my way. He wrapped around my ribcage and I couldn't breathe. The snake changed into a person, holding me close and making me feel safe. I opened my eyes and he was gone but I had blood all over my hands.
I was woken up by my own screaming and Billy forcing his way into my room.

Hypocritical Relationship Advice

You remember that saying "If you love them, let them go. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be." Ignore it.
Bullshit and lies. All of it. That phrase has two things I can't stand: the word 'if' and a blatant lie that corrupts the soul and destroys the heart.
Should you love them, grab hold with both hands, tie them down and never, EVER let them leave. Love is not for everyone, it is forever and you get so very few chances at it. Love will not wait for you to come back, to rediscover it, to try another day.
Love wants you now, when you are open and willing to love and be loved.
"You have to be cruel to be kind."
No. You don't. Love is not cruel and so you should not be either. Love is hard, that's all. Love wants to hurt you, stretch your limits and drag you to each corner of the Earth. Tell Love the Earth is not flat and Love will accept you. Love wants to make you feel its pain. Love wants you to compare your ache with its removal. Do not be cruel. Be kind and grateful.
Teen Pregnancy - Abortion coz he says so
When he tells you to get rid of 'it' just remember that 'it' is alive and 'it' is growing because your body loves 'it'. What you have inside of you is beautiful and not everyone is so fortunate to experience what you go through. Just because a child may interfere with someone's life plans does NOT mean that life is any less valuable. You should do what you feel is best for you and your baby. Should YOU decide that means termination, that is your choice. A child with no home and no life to look forward to will not appreciate entering this world. It is different if you abort your child for the relationship you had. It won't be the same. You won't love him for it. You will despise his very being. Choose carefully. Choose very, very carefully and remember to keep thinking of yourself, not him.
Getting Married - When you are sixteen
Don't. It's a dumb idea. You will SOOO fail.
That covers it.
If You Like Her (Yes, YOU) - Ask Her Out
She's graduating in a year? Big fucking deal, so she's out of high school first. What, were you racing? Or is it that you think she'll move? How far can a person go for crying out loud. I'll bet she doesn't head for Singapore so you always have IM, email, letters, texts, phone calls, weekend visits and post-it notes. Yes, post it notes. They work wonders. Just a little 'hi' will keep her smiling for a week after she finds it under the sink or in her closet or wherever.
Asking Her Out - But How Do I Make Her Like Me First?
Post-it notes: for EVERYTHING you could ever think of. Talk to her. Let her know you care if she feels 'swirly' and relaxed. Make the warm fuzzy feeling! Tell her things that make her less scared. Give her a reason to wait up until 2am to see if you get back online. Hug her often, even if you're just friends. Don't put your arms around her shuolders for two seconds then just let go. Wrap your ams around her. Stand close and take a deep breath. Always close your eyes,make it just you and her. Breathe out slowly and then you can let go.
Don't compare the love you had to the like you have. It isn't fair on the other person. You gave up on love, you sent it off and now you pay with second best. Keep it.
It is your reminder that you are an idiot. Enjoy.

When Should Amy Conceive?

I am unsure as to how some of my friends were able to correctly answer most of the questions needed to get this made. Not only is the possibility of my diary having been stolen terrifying, it is also slightly disturbing that of all the possible uses they could make of it, this is the one they chose. It also means I'm going to have to change all my passwords. Fucksalt.
To satiate their sadistic appetites, I shall place the 'ticker' they made for me on this blog so they can see it and have a laugh. I hope this is all the blackmail me with because I would probably die if my diary was broadcast to the internet (girls are so lame in their daydreams...)
So here, this will tell you the days that I am most likely to get pregnant. Right now isn't one of them.


I also don't know why it welcomes me and tells me I'm eight weeks pregnant when I click on it...

Cindershallow and Snow Mite

How is it that we are fed the constant tales of "happily ever afters" yet we do not complain, nor do we realise it?
Take Cindershallow.
An insolent child required to help with the maintenance of her home after her mother's death reuses to accept the authority of her step-mother. When grounded and forbid from attending a party she simply ignores her step-mother's instruction. Not only does she do this, she also steals clothes and transport. Cindershallow is disobedient, a theif and a petty whore.
Cindershallow flung herself upon the most rich of the eligible bachelors at this party, flirting and being a tease. In a similarly frustrating way, the prince turns his attentions unto her in response to her embarrassingly forward actions. They retreated to a quite corner to "talk".
At midnight, in a desperate attempt to return home before she is caught, Cindershallow stumbles out of the party, leaving a shoe on the front lawn. The prince, as drunk as Cindershallow was, had not bothered to find out her name but went around showing everybody the shoe. They thought he was still off his face, quite rightly. Some rich, conceited snob was running around with a girl's shoe.
Eventually he came across Cindershallow, who couldn't remember a damn thing about the night before. She took his word for truth as he was pretty hot and lived happily ever after. Well, until she died. Or until he did. I don't know who got too old first.
Then there is Snow Mite.
This parasitic child abandoned her home after a spat with her stepmother. She broke into the house of several bachelors, imposing upon them her own standards of personal hygiene and home decor. She took up residence in their home without consultation, eating their food, using their facilities and generally taking over with the excuse that she would help with chores. Barely.
Snow Mite gets a milder punishment than she deserves after eating an apple. As we already know, apples have proven themselves to be a sin. Not only is Snow Mite an evil and manipulative dictator, she is ungodly.
Upon falling into a coma, Snow Mite is locked by the seven men in a fibreglass, bulletproof case so that she may never terrorize another person again. This doesn't work much.
Yet another prince comes by on his noble steed (much nobler than him at any rate). He attempts to take advantage of Snow Mite but is unable to defeat the fibreglass box. He has servants come down to break the box open and doctors are forced to wake Snow Mite from her coma. The seven men convince the prince to keep her which he does because she LOOKS cute. Snow Mite is last seen headed towards the palace with her prince where she fell in love with her lifestyle and lived happily ever after.
Fortunately for us single girls, the inbred beareucrats took the bratty girls and so we have the nice boys to choose from. At least we can be sure our daughters won't marry their cousins.

What do I want to get out of Literature? I want to PASS idiot.

What do you want from Literature?
1.I want to learn to analyse the style, structure and purpose of texts including sripts.
2. I want an excuse to read for days on end.
3. I want to complain with the rest of a class about a book being so hard or so boring but secretly love it to pieces and wonder why no one else agrees.
4. I want a marked up ENTER.
5. I want to go home and stay up late reading and re-reading Anabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe, trying to find out how someone saw something else in it.

Why do you want this?
1. I don't why people write things but I do like getting in their heads to find out
2. I'm obsessed. Tell me I can read and I will. Tell me I can't and I will kill you.
3. I want to fit in. GASP! I'd just like to be one of THEM for a few classes a week. It is way more fun sometimes.
4. University of Melbourne. If they don't accept me, I'll kill myself.
5. I like knowing how opinions are formulated. I also like pedantics. I will read every word and put down every single definition if I have to. I want to know how you came to a conclusion.

Where do you see yourself in the literary profession?
I don't really. I'd love to be a writer but I'd rather explore. I want to get out out into the world, find things, see people, look at dead stuff!
History rules.

Why did you choose Literature?
I decided to do Literature and English to complement each other. Most of the people in my Literature class are doing a double English too. I guess I chose Literature because I wanted to have more to do with words. I love words. Words are amazing, they fascinate me and I can't get enough of them. I wanted to drown myself in hidden meanings and inside jokes. So I chose Literature.

How do you think Literature will help you in your adult life?
I think it will help me a lot with History at university. I'll be better able to understand textbooks and speeches. I'm pretty sure this will also help me write essays and reports really well. I expect it to at least help me put things into context.

I could ask myself more questions but I'm too lazy and have lost interest in this topic...

Forgive Me Rowena

I never seem to be able to hold onto my characters and drag them out. I may have the opportunity to lay the blame for this on my most recent plotline, it is quite disgusting to grasp and hard to keep myself thinking of it.
I would still like to scrounge up more than those measly 15,000 words for the girlchild of my story. She deserves more after what I have put her through. At first I thought it was writer's block but then I came to realise that I was scared of my character.
Well, she came to me from my dreams, of course I was scared.
But on topic again. I forced a girl to be raped and have an evil stranger's baby. I saw her lose an almost friend in the process of adopting. I gave her a gorgeous daughter named Never to make up for the son she couldn't stand. Then I sent her to Zimbabwe.
I think I am afraid of holding on to these characters because I am being cruel. I am a morbid writer this week, hurting all my characters and making them cry. I am scared of my character, my creation and I am scared to keep her. I don't want her to haunt me. I don't want to hear myself saying I have not done justice to the trauma of this child whose life I have ruined.
Today, for the first time in my writer’s life, I am ashamed of the things I have written, the lies I have told. That is what a writer does. They tell lies for a living. I don't like my lies anymore.

For the Sister I Must Not Forget

Once Upon A Time, I left and when I came back you were gone. It wasn't because you loved me any less but rather that you loved someone else in a new way. That was an ok love and I am glad you found it but parting is a cliche: it is a sweet sorrow. I loved to see you grown up and out on your own. I was proud because you were your own person and you were doing so well at it. Now I am perhaps very sad for my infrequent visits will become near non-existent. It is not because I love you any less; it is because I love you different. This time, you have left me. I am in the family home while you are off in the world.
You don't ask after me, nor I after you but it would be nice to think that you did. I cannot though because I know you. We are family and that means I know that you don't think of me. One day, when I had left, I thought of you. I didn't have days similar to this often but I did have them. I believe you cannot have them.
To control the safety of your new life, you must reject some of your old. Like your body would with snake venom, you are rejecting your past. I am the poison of your past. I cannot even remember when I stopped being the sugar and started being the poison. There must have been a turning point, a climax where I suddenly became the bitter villain of our story and ruined the relationship.
Now all I have left is the hope that our lives shall follow the formalised structure of the tales I so often immerse myself in (perhaps that was the issue; maybe you believed I never spent enough time in the real world, here with you). I am forced to endure the physical burning of desperation, the last object of value and virtue any person may have to hold close: my hope.
My hope is strong. I beg endlessly for a dénouement, for the unravelling, the untying of our misguidedly written manuscript to come to the end of such a farcical story that few would ever believe and less would enjoy.
I have hope for our conclusion, our happy ending. But then, happy endings are just stories we have not finished yet.

Beautiful Nightmares

Above my bed I have a post and it is an important post. It is important because it is what I wake up to after my nightmares. I read this post every night before I go to sleep. I can no longer stay awake until four am because I am too scared to sleep. I must face my nightmares now and find ways to destroy them.
I must be brave.
When I wake up and I am scared, I turn on the light and read to myself. I remind myself that it was not real, it was not real and it was not real. I keep reminding myself until I believe it. I make a note and then I go back to it the next day.
I look for what I dream of most. I ask myself : WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? Then I let it go. I know it will just come back the next night to haunt me again but I know what to do. Letting go, no matter how many times you have to do it, will save you.
Nightmares and grudges are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to deal with the pain.
Let go. You have to let go.

YouTube - Eels - I need some sleep

YouTube - Eels - I need some sleep
Thought this was a little relevant to me...
I absolutely loved the clip to go with it.

The Facade

She puts the effort in. Always
Makes it seem so… effortless
With no deterrents, just powering
On
And on
She likes the exotic and will try it
Now knowing the people not liked
The places she will not go again

An introverted extrovert by nature
Able to hide but is not shy
Experiences make her panic
She keeps going out. Sees friends
Saw family, made an effort to keep
The extroverted life in the open
Met a stranger, was introduced
And felt that odd butterfly from meeting
They were someone new.

It is her habit to be neurotic
Taking the time to agonize over
And over ridiculous things
She has a way of being disdainful always
She tells lies.
Constantly changing as a person
Events pass that have shaped
Have evolved her through her constant effort

Still her well worn smile is cancerous
It sucks you in (but it drains her)
To make you a part
Of how she follows the rules and has played
The roles. She knows her place too.

So you trust her. You always do
It must be something to do with
Her commitment and all her effort
She has to hide illogical crocodile
Tears with the real pain
With real anger won from her patience
Being tried, tested
Time! Time again

A leader of sorts
She leads the misled
Redirects and she guides
Still, she disagrees with
Unanimous agreeing
It is invalid; she finds it rude

Always the effort. She gets tired, yes
But the fatigue is ignored. She will always aim
For the stars to hit the lamp post not
The lamp post to hit the ground
It is why she tripped upstairs once
Reached the top another time and turned
To be praised again
Her face burnt like the devil
But it passed with a smile

It was a tiring night
When family failed to be pleased, her smile
That beautiful façade, was showing
Her efforts in strain
So much strain
She took a moment to close her eyes

Opens them again and watches this elder friend
Pick up and dust off her younger brother
And watch him, help him work
It makes him feel important and special
It makes her proud
She is glad to see Him in their
House and encourages the effort
Of them with her faltering smile

Because the effort of being herself!
Do you see how it is wearing her out?
Her mother died, her sister left, her brother
Still is picking himself up
There is a wedding to face, babies
To birth and tests, exams
EXPECTATIONS

She forgets the little things
Doesn’t know where her keys are
She laughs it off
Every time so she laughs a lot
Sometimes it is loud
And inappropriately timed

Focus. She says. And so she does.
But something has gone hazy.
There was a light in her eyes that you think
You saw. It went, gone with the nighttime.
The pressure must lighten.
Stop being her, stop wanting for her.